I reread this and I rambled some and I hope it makes since. Please feel free to ask questions.....
My wife and I have been married almost 33 years. We're basically high school sweet-hearts. We have 3 grown kids and two grandkids.
My wife's entire family plays Bingo and 10 years ago added Casinos to that. We've both always been both demanding/loving of our kids and responsible ourself ( I like to think, anyway). My wife has always been the one to pay the bills, do taxes, etc. For my wifes entire life she's had a general lack of energy. Her dad is the same way. Nothing has ever been diagnosed but she never wakes up feeling refreshed. This has meant several weekends where she slept for almost 20 hours. She's also not the type of person that says she's sorry or show's affirmation very often. As the gambling has become a bigger and bigger problem this has become an issue for me. My wife has barely admitted she has a gambling problem. She recently mentioned that she's tired out knowing that I deserve better but she's not able to give that right now. I think she would feel better if I left and found someone else. This is really hard to handle. We have already taken her off of our main banking account. We have a few rental houses that her relatives live in. This means it was fairly easy for her to get additional cash. She has sort of taken on the attitude lately that since she can't please me she might as well go to Bingo every night. As late as last week she wrote a check to the casino and was going to have to make loan payments. I mentioned that if she agreed that the three rents would go in the account she can't touch from now on I would pay the $400. Probably bad idea, I'm just being honest. Obviously throught the years I've been an enabler of sorts. My wife is 55 and retired early from the Post office 4years ago. As she's been mostly unable to get to any of my retirement and equity our retirement/future is still financially secure (for now). Things have gotten worse since retirement for sure. My kids know there's a problem but not really the extent of it. I'm commited to staying but I'm not able to show my love right now. It's like we're strangers sort of. Very hard for me to explain but I want to hug, go to movies, etc but I can't make myself do it when I know she's getting to walk out the door any moment to go gamble some more.
I do have a question though; My mom (1000 mile away) recently had surgery and I'm going to give my sister a little break. The dates are somewhat flexible but I wanted to try and make the dates the same as a Las Vegas trip my wifes family is taking. I told my wife it would mean a lot if she went with me to see my mom/sister. She has decided to go to vegas instead. Next month we have a cruise that's planned/paid for with another couple that we know from our childhood but never see. I'm wanting to say something like this to my wife, " I know you're not ready to get help and we've limited the money you spend every month. You can't know how much it hurts that you're gambling almost everyday. The way things are right now I don't want to go on a cruise and pretend that everything is ok."
Just looking for advice. I've pretty much kept this from my family and her family doesn't want to believe it's an addiction.
🙁 My heart goes out to you it really does but you are right in saying that you have been enabling her & this is going to be a tough one to break methinks. The thing is, you can’t make her change, can’t give her energy or make her engage in anything you would normally get from a healthy relationship because she’s an addict & she has to want to get well. You on the other hand can get yourself the support you need to best help both of you. I understand your desire to stick by her but this is a progressive disease & whilst you can have a degree of control around the finances, if her head isn’t in it, you really are going to be left wanting on an emotional level.
Ring the helpline, get to a GamAnon meeting & figure out what you need & deserve because you’re not getting it whilst she is in action & you deserve to be happy - ODAAT
Thanks for your quick response. There's a local group for Family/spouses that I'll go to. Thanks.
It's definately hard to consistantly think clearly at the moment.
Thinking clearly is really hard but a support group will do wonders. Although I am a compulsive gambler myself my mother is too & even after I dragged myself kicking & screaming onto the recovery train I was still able to justify when I enabled her. Tough love is so hard & even though I don’t feel the same way as normal people (that’s a by-product of my addiction: the best part of recovery is getting your feelings back & the worse part of recovery is getting your feelings back), it sometimes feels like little bits of my heart are chipping off when I desperately want to believe what she is saying but know that I can’t.
As you are experiencing, addiction is an emotional illness, albeit with severe financial consequences for most poisons & recovery needs more than just abstinence. I’ve been around these pages now for over 3 years & although I’m doing pretty well with it all, I’m still struggling to find things that motivate me & whilst I didn’t sleep much when I was gambling (didn’t have time, I had money to lose) I have had problem after problem with it since I stopped. I even forgot how to sleep for a few months & ended up on a course of anti-depressants to try & break my cycle. I don’t know why I want to spend every spare second sleeping now but I’m conscious that for many years, it was the only time I was safe from gambling (unless I was @ work)...This may be something that is keeping your wife in bed? It is also possible that she is depressed & her not wanting you to be around may be an internal battle with addiction telling her to get shot of you & all your restrictions even though her heart is screaming out that you do deserve better (you do) because addiction loves to make people feel worthless .
Now who’s rambling (you’ll get used to me)...The best advice I can give is to arm yourself with knowledge so that you know the beast you are dealing with & figure out where your line in the sand is. Ideally I would say to take over all finances but may need to do more than just monitor finances & credit reports here...One of the others will be along with sound advice on this subject soon.
I don’t have any questions but if you do...Chuck them out, everyone here is willing a better life for us all - ODAAT
Hi okcnoob 33 years is a long time to live with an addict. It takes a long time to recover and change. You need to concentrate on you. You are powerless over your wife's addiction. Sleeping is a common way to 'hide', also sign of depression. Secure your finances and don't pay her debts. That is enabling. You have to find a way to put yourself first. Getting support will help you. Telling someone their behaviour is not acceptable is not a crime but an addict will turn to what makes them feel better, in this case gambling. Sometimes you just have to ignore them. I don't think we want to really find out the extent of the damage either. I think we come to a point where we can't take anymore and that galvanises us into action. My husband has no money, no access. That's his choice. It took him a long time to realise that even a small bet lead to disaster. You don't have to pretend things are ok if you don't want to, that's your choice. Secrets and lies feed addiction. You are affected by this as well, more so than you realise.
Thanks for the concern and advice. As difficult as it will be I'm determined to not fall back into accepting small changes and pretending everything is ok. It's not ok. Not even close. I'm going to make accessing money as difficult as I can. Long overdue. The grandkids are on spring break this week so I get to take them camping in the RV. I can't wait.
I'll continue to educate myself and try and make myself go to a support group.
Sounds like great fun. Get away and enjoy those times.
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