I’m new here and it’s been really helpful reading other peoples stories so I’m hoping to share mine and get some advice.
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Me and my boyfriend bought our beautiful home at the end of 2021 and it’s been hell. It should’ve been the best time of our lives but it’s all ruined by the way he’s always put money above everything else.
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I earn much less money than he does each month and he’s been gambling because he’s been stressing about his money ever since we’ve had our home and paying the mortgage removed link Â
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I don’t understand where the stress started from because we both come from well off families and so we know if we were ever in any money troubles if it came to it we would be so lucky to be able to rely on help from others.
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It all started after we’d been living here for about 3 months but I wasn’t made aware of anything until almost a year after that. He would be making his parents pay off payday loans he took out to gamble and was threatening them not to tell me about his addiction by saying he’d commit suicide.
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We had an ‘intervention’ with his parents in December 22 and it seemed we were ready to move forward, I offered to manage his money and his parents agreed to buy him a car since he sold his old car to gamble or pay off debts.
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Since then he’s stolen my money from our joint account of which we pay the bills from and he continues to gamble right under my nose. When he stole from me I rang the helpline in tears wanting us to finally get him some counselling but it needs to be him I can’t do it for him on his behalf.
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I think I’ve got to accept our relationship at this point is completely over, he’s done so many awful things to me on top of the gambling that there’s no reason for me to want this anymore. I want to help him with his addiction but he’s just not a nice person.
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Before we do call it a day I would want him to actually get help. But what can I do if he just refuses to do anything? I do love him and want him to get through this but I’m just at a loss because it seems we’ve tried everything to help him and he just won’t accept the help available. He’s so lucky he’s had his parents to help pay his debts because people in his situation would usually be on the streets or worse.
Hi Hannah,Â
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story with is. It sounds like you've had a tough time since your move and it certainly sounds like you've done everything in your power to support your partner with his problem gambling and as you mentioned, Ultimately your partner needs to confront the gambling himself to move forward with this.Â
We would encourage you to try keep firm boundaries on your own finances and you could also mention this to other family members who are maybe unintentionally enabling him to continue gambling.Â
It can be a huge step reaching out for support so feel free to forward this link if he ever shows signs of wanting support with his gambling What to Expect When You Contact our Helpline - GamCare Â
and of course feel free to contact our 24/7 helpline: 0808 8020 133 (or live chat) yourself if you need further support with this Hannah. Â
kind regards,
Tom (forum admin)Â
Sorry to hear what you are going through.
He isn’t lucky that his parents have helped him time and time again as it’s allowed him to get worse knowing there’s an escape. Ultimately if there’s no consequences there’s no lesson.Â
In your position I would talk to his parents and let them know it’s still continuing and tell them about his behaviour towards you. If it means you walk away then do but don’t allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed if you do stand up to him. You said he threatened suicide if his parents told you, he was trying to control them.
You and his parents need to be on the same page with complete transparency and he has to realise the consequences of his actions if they reoccur. Life is too short to suffer with this because of someone else’s actions. If he doesn’t want help then be prepared to walk away. It won’t get better on it’s own, the addiction is too much, and he needs a rock bottom moment before he can say enough is enough.
Good luckÂ
Chris
I don't think a relationship is worth putting up with lies... But that's just my opinion.
Protect yourself and your finances. If he’s not ready to confront his addiction, he won’t be forced by anyone to do so and a gambling addict will not hesitate to manipulate and steal from you or his family esp if he’s at the height of addiction. Ultimately, you need to look after yourself. Do you deserve a life like this with someone who’s not even willing to change? No one does.
If he does decide to turn this around, you need to have an agreement of what the ‘action plan’ is (GA, you manage his finances, gamstop etc) and don’t let him manipulate you by negotiating controlled gambling etc. Also, never trust him with anything related to finances again. We can never be complacent with gambling addiction. Recovery is possible but requires hard work and commitment from the compulsive gambler. All we can do is support.Â
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