Hi there my name is Stevie, I'm 23 and I have been with my girlfriend for around three years now. She is such a kind person with a big heart and I couldn't ask for anything more in a women, she is loyal, respectful, beautiful and a lady. But she has a problem with gambling.
She has stolen, lied and abused my trust many times with her gambling, she has a problem with online gambling. Every two weeks we have agreed to spend money on our selfs as a kind of treat, I spend money on me and her herself. I am in charge of the money, it is all in my bank account and she does not have access to the money. I also have a web blocking program called k9, so I can control and let her gamble when dates are agreed. But the thing is
She becomes very nasty when she gambles. I hate it when she gambles. When she loses there is hell to pay, she takes it out on me with a snappy voice and one liners, she says things like it was a chance for us to win money or I am bored now, what do I do? Or can I have some more money, please I am really enjoying it. And if she wins I hate it, because I know it will result into oh I was having fun it's over now trying to make me feel guilty. I try and avoid her when she is gambling, I really hate it.
It gets worse a lot worse, her mother is also a gambler and her mother lives a two minute walk from us and she is a bigger gambler then my girlfriend, gambling everyday, at bigger States, online slots, bingo... They say it's a way of bonding, mother daughter time..... And my girlfriend will ask if I'm coming round to see her family have a beer with her dad and have a family night but I know for a fact it's a scapegoat for gambling. She changes into this monster I call him 'gamblor' believe it or not I have spoken to him before I told my girlfriend to close her eyes and say the first thing that comes into her head. Her responses was the gambling monster within. It was stuff like "f*** you, you don't love her if you did you would let her gamble, she doesn't need you, let me gamble, I hate you'
Being in a relationship with someone who has a gambling problem is hard, my brother is also a heavy gambler more of a gambler then my girlfriends mum but that's another story.
Today as I was leaving for work, she said what am I supposed to do when you're at work, I told her go on gamcare meet people in your situation. She said what's the point. I then went to Work and got texts asking me for her to transfer her money. I gave in because I don't want trouble or the anxiety, I wrote down my feelings to kind of let of steam I felt at the time 'Stressed, empty , sad, worried, crying, scared, alone, upset, feared, oppressed, terrified, naked, frail, weak, no hope, angry at self, nightmare, scared, tiny, down and out, nervous, petrified, tears, heart ache, pity, used, washed out, afraid. Tired, collapsed. Fear and demanded.' I cried on the bus to work, and now I am scared to work at my volunteer job, because she will be bored and upset and sundial and need to gamble. I tell her there are other things to do then gamble. I do sometimes gamble with her to kind of show her it's easy to walk away I gamble say Once every three months. I know it's wrong to do it with her but I kind of deep down want to show her I can walk away and set an example.
Sadly today after giving her the £10 she logged into my gambling account and deposited £10. As soon as I found out I suspended my account. It's only ten pounds she says it's nothing, I am shallow because I begrudge her £10 she will say. Well I guess it's better then her stealing my birthday money from me £150.... She's calmed down from that but the money all adds up and so does the stress
If truth be told I don't know if I can be with her any longer I probably will but I am at the stage I am starting to resent her. I don't believe her apologies, I've heard it all before. I become cold and distant to protect myself from the pain.
People have said simply walk away. The thing is I have a personality disorder. And part of the problems I have is I fear abandonment. So in my mind when I'm angry with her gambling say when she's gambled £100 through the week when it was meant to be £20 I can't walk away because in my mind at that time I'm petrified she will walk away to her mums and move out and leave me.
Whenever I am at her mums when she gambles I feel the tension her mum wins it triggers her, when she wins it triggers her mum and I'm the biggest evil person ever and she lashes out at me and says I'm to go. And it's all my fault. I've tried telling her to keep herself busy. But she questions on what she should do.
She's been to ga before but one of the guys started flirting with her and she felt uncomfortable to go back. It was a text sent to my phone saying 'you looked good tonight' so that ruined ga for her. But tomorrow she will be returning to ga In a different location
Basically if I don't give her money I'm the baddest person in the world. I feel emotionally abused, and I am actually scared of her. Yes a man who is scared of her girlfriend I am not ashamed to say it. Her mother is no help either 'saying its your money too you should spend it on what you want' 'you're a worse gambler then I am' 'are you playing tonight?' If she says no then she says okay I'm going to bed bye g o home to me and my girlfriend when we are visiting'
I just don't know what to do, is it normal to fear your partner?
Thanks
Stevie.
Hi Stevie
I am a recovering CG.
Your partner will gamble until she wants to stop. Her mother, also a gambler is not helping matters. When she does go to GA, are you going along with her, or have you given any thought about attending Gamanon?
One thing you should never do with a CG is to give them money...for anything. It doesn't matter what sob story they give you, do NOT give them money. They have no concept of the value of money. It is only an aid for them to gamble.
A partner should never feel afraid of their other half. Do you feel as though she would be physically violent when she is gambling? Is she aware of this?
During my 14 year marriage my wife slapped me 2 times. I told her that if there was ever a third time that I would reply in kind. Whether I would have I don't know, but there was never a third time. I believe that you should always be able to express honestly your opinions in a marriage or partnership without fear of physical action. If you are that upset that you feel you are going to resort to physical violence, walk away. When you calm down you will realise that your anger had gotten the best of you, and that rational thought had taken a backseat.
Take care
You are not alone. I know the fear and I have met men whos gambling girlfriends terrify them before. You are not alone. Come to a GAM anon meeting if you can, pick up the phone and talk to a gamcare advisor, starting to talk about this us the best thing you have done, so keep talking...
Oh Stevie, this is no life for you 🙁 I know that you love her but this is tantamount to domestic violence & that is unacceptable! It's is absolutely not right that you should fear your partner & if you want to stick around & support her, you must seek help for you! It looks like she has made an attempt @ stopping for you to have control of her finances but I have to question why someone from her GA meeting would be texting your phone?
Please phone Gamcare & get some advice! Look after you - ODAAT
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