Hi
I joined a few days ago and this is my first go on this forum so forgive me if I go on.
My husband of 7 years is a cg. A few years ago he ran up a lot of debt and although the debt was sorted we didn't deal with the problem itself. Instead he (and I) just got on with things without dealing with the problem head on.
So Sunday night he sends me a text. He had ran up huge debts again of £44k online betting. He has taken out 12 loans basically taking out loans to pay off the monthly payments and so on and ran up this debt. He was deeply ashamed and sorry and felt he couldn't come home.
After hours of emails and texts he promises to get help not for the debt this time but for the gambling. He attended his first meeting on Tuesday with ga and has another tonight as he intends on going twice a week.
I feel partly responsible as I should of dealt with it properly 2 years ago when I found out but instead buried my head in the sand and thought it would go away (although looking at it now I knew it would not stop another reason for my own guilt).
I have all his bank cards, accounts, ran all the credit checks to see if there was anything else I didn't know about. He has self excluded and as I say is attending the meetings.
I really hope with help he can stop we have two young daughters and I do not want our family to break up. But it's very difficult as I know it won't sort itself out anytime soon. Can't see any light at the end of a very long dark tunnel at the moment. My heart is broken but I love him and I know he is ill and I just pray he will continue to seek the help he needs. I just want to help him every way I can and for him to beat this but it really saddens me to read these forums of people really trying to stop but falling off the wagon so to speak. I don't think I could take it if that happens.
Hi Jennifer
Many thanks for your words on my post earlier it's nice to have some words from a partner of CG to really understand the hurt and pain we have caused because when we are gambling our family's are at the back of our mind or even totally out of our minds ! Like you say our stories are a mirror image and can only wish I was in your husbands shoes and my wife standing by me and working things through together ! There can be light at the end of the tunnel but like I've said a lot of hard work and honesty along the way is needed and your husband wanting to kick this addiction/illness, I know I've got to do this for myself and only hope my wife can take me back.
Good luck with everything and I will look out for future posts.
All the Best
Darren
Hi Jennifer,
It sounds like you have put a lot of things in place already which will hopefully get to the root cause this time. You can't blame yourself when a compulsive gambler is active we are very adapt at covertour tracks. I know it's daunting reading on here but they are lots of people winning the battle. I came here 16 months ago and am gamble free With the support of here and GA unfortunately I lost my relationship but with your extra support he can do this if he has the desire.
I would recommend you call game care they offer support for you as well as the compulsive gambler. They offer free of charge counselling and you can call and speak direct with the advisors.
I wish you both well it won't be easy but it can be done.
KTF
Hi, Jennifer,
Sorry to hear it - it's rubbish.
I also let myself be hoodwinked first time round but as we've found out, the problem is the gambling, not the money. But at the end of the day, the person placing the bets and taking the irresponsible loans is your husband, not you. You can take responsibility for your own actions and choices but it's a path to madness to take on responsibility for something or someone who isn't you and who you can't therefore control. The three Cs: you didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling, you can't Cure the gambling. You've found this out the hard way.
Keep your focus on you. Your problem isn't about how you can make sure that he never gambles again. Your problem is dealing with the effect that his gambling and associated behaviour (deceit, emotional remoteness etc) has had on you. You matter, your hopes and dreams matter, your expectations of your equal life partner matter, your boundaries matter and all should be respected. There is a lot of help out there from the Helpline, GC counselling, GamAnon meetings but it's up to you to take it, to get the strength and support to make the right decisions for you and the children. It took a long time for this to build and it takes a long time to get past but you have to start somewhere.
You can't fix him, he has to fix him. He has started to help himself, which can only be a good thing all round. It's about him taking responsibility for his own actions, their effects on him, you and the family and for clearing up his own mess, without thinking that he's a toddler and therefore you ought to be doing it for him. He's not a toddler and one way you can help is by curbing the instinct to take over and do it for him. Financial control is different, that's necessary to protect you. But don't shoulder blame wrongly, don't nag, don't think that it's up to you to keep him safe.
Look after you and the children, let him fix him, take care.
CW.
Good morning
Thank you all for your kind words. Everything you all say is correct. Yes I have definitely learned the hard way this time and I am determined not to fall into this trap again.
I plan on being as supportive as I can but only as long as he is wanting to stop and help himself. His second ga meeting was last night. He came home and we talked about it for hours. Something we have never done before. That gives me some comfort. Although I cannot trust him financially and never will again it was an insight into his current state of mind and he is really positive he can really beat this horrible thing.
I wish you alll well on your own journey whether a ga or a family member.
Hopefully I can update you all as he progresses.
Take care xxx
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