My mother has destroyed her life with gambling.

Hi Sjl7

Its a difficult one this but I will give my best advice.

Firstly you need your eyes wide open to the power of a gambling addiction and the history of your mothers activity in sourcing and gambling money.

My first instincts is that there have to be conditions for living with you. The real danger here is that an active gambler will start to see a comfort zone of a roof over the head and gambling activity could continue.

Ideally for real help you mother has to be ready to stop and you need to be in control of all finances. If she is skint a few days after payment that is a serious sign of gambling that rings my warning bells.

What you have taken on is perhaps tougher than you think. You do need to confront her and you do need to state that gambling is not acceptable. You cant stop her gambling. Only she can be ready to take the right steps to stop

I have to be blunt here that if aunts things were going walkies it could well happen again there. Family jewellery or anything may be at risk so you need to be fully aware and protective. Im not suggesting your mother is a bad person but the addiction is similar to an alcoholic reaching for the next drink. Its not really a case of just saying no

Please ring gamcare because you need to be fully aware what you have got on here. I dont know your relationship but a gambler who is not ready to stop will create problems, the wages will go fast and you will be a free hotel. When I was in full swing I used to get bailed out by my parents then gamble again

Im not calling anybody and Im just telling you the power of addiction. She may not mean to harm you but a full blown addiction and gambling binge will harm everybody close.

You have told us that she has lied stolen, blown hundreds of thousands and is always asking for money. Whats changed this time?

Im sorry but if you are to be the guardian angel (and I understand that) you need to know whats what.

Im sorry if you dont want to hear this but Im just helping you. Get all the advice you can but you must realise that protecting yourself here is just as important. I fully understand that she is your mother but it needs to be made clear that recovery is needed and any trouble will lead to a hostel placement as I believe the council has a duty to house her.

If she is an active gambler you can expect trouble.

Am I sounding harsh? Come back to me. I know all about gambling addiction and you have more to learn

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

hi, thank you for taking the time to reply. And no I don't think your to harsh at all sadly everything you say is completely true. I just have no idea where to Evan start it's all such a huge mess. I don't blame her I know that it isn't really her it's an illness and she can't control it. I just want to make sure I approach the situation right I don't want to upset her and make the situation Evan worse. I will definatley ring the helpline tomorrow and find out as much as I can.

Good choice Sj, please let us know how it goes. I'd also encourage you to read some of the recovery diaries. There is hope if your mum wants to stop gambling but I realise you have many conversations before any of that happens. Joydivider is right in what she says and i'd encourage you to get as much support and honesty around you as you can. Gamcare will offer you counselling and i'd accept it if you can. Then there's Gam-anon which is the family support for GA, something else to consider? You could have a look at their website?

As the gambler in this relationship, I might be the second to last person you want to hear from, but there is hope and help out there. This isn't your fault and neither is it your mum's if this is an addiction, but that still doesn't mean you don't deserve as much support you can get. good luck tri

Hello sjl7

Thank you for sharing your story here. As the others have said, you would be very welcome to call us on the helpline 0808 8020 133 or chat to us on the Netline. You've had some great responses here from those who know what it's like to be a gambler. You might also find it useful to hear from families and friends of gamblers, so I'm going to move your thread to the family & friends section.

Keep posting

Forum Admin.

Hi,

Just be aware that active compulsive gamblers who are not prepared to stop are very manipulative and nothing, nothing, comes between them and the next bet.

Choices. Addiction is an illness but the addict always has the choice to seek recovery or to keep using and if the addict isn't responsible for her own choices and their consequences, then who is responsible? Unless the addict takes responsibility, anarchy reigns. Not healthy.

Similarly, you seem to feel that there is no choice but to have her live with you. No doubt much has been said to you to encourage you to think this way. She's not my mother, easy enough for me to say but actually, regardless of any guilt trips that you have been sent on, you do indeed have a choice. She doesn't have to live with you at all, she's there with your permission. Your home, your rules, it would be in your best interests to set firm boundaries. (Pick the minimum: to pay rent, no stealing, no abuse, better still, handing over financial control and attending regular counselling and meetings). If she chooses not to accept these, she doesn't live with you. Her choices, consequences follow, you're not the baddie.

Paying rent is important. You mention that she hasn't looked after herself but everyone has living costs and if you shield her from them, or from the consequences of gambling away her income, then actually it doesn't help long term. She's not an infant.

All of which is about her and therefore a side issue. Your concern and your main focus should be on you, on how you deal with the issues and difficulties that she is causing you. Keep on what you've started, call the Helpline, read the forum, go to GamAnon meetings. The help is out there, do take it.

Take care of you.

CW