3 weeks ago my partner had to come clean that she has been gambling again as they where going to reposses her car . And needed money to stop that happening . June last year she had told me she was gambling and had a debt of 7000 . But that she would never do it again . I took over her finances and put the debt on a credit card 0% interest for 14 months that she had to pay every month . And she has . Its been a long slog no date nights holidays and simple things like can you pick up milk for the house etc as she couldn't afford to do anything while paying the debt off. I let her do her finances from October as she insisted she could manage them . And as far as I can see she went straight back to gambling .. and now how debt of 8000 on top of what she still hasn't cleared from last year. I went into total shock and I feel so mad at her for putting Me in a position where if I stay its another 14 to 18 months of waiting around for her to be able to have money to do things together . It's the fact she's lied to me constantly for months .. and the trued to say she did it to try win big for us .. No you did it for you not us .. and I just want her to go .. she knew by doing it again there would be a chance she could loose me and she made that choice .. am I being to hard
Just wanting other peoples point of view
@pdeqyx30zs No in my humble opinion you are not being hard.
Problem gambling is a mental health issue but this does not mean that a gambler can be excused for lying or financial abuse of a partner. You are entitled to feel any way you want in this.
You are having to put your life on hold and it is not your fault.
The only one who can get your partner gamble free is themselves.
I speak as a recovering gambler who hid debt from my wife for years. She forgave me and supported me and I have now stopped. But I never felt I had the right to expect her to do this, it was her choice.
I would strongly advise you to speak to someone about this to get it off your chest. A close friend or a relative or a coworker. You may find it good to talk it over and then give it some time before you decide how you will handle this situation.
All the best, keep us posted
Hi, I am on the same situation as your partner, I lied and lied and spent thousands of pounds, “looking for more money”, trying to get back the losses. But the only thing I have got is more debts. It’s been just a 4 days i have stopped completely, and I open the book with my wife but just because she found out my debts otherwise because of this addiction and the lies I would never told her about the debts until be paid.
Now I realised that the problem is even worse than I thought. Lies and excuses no more everything from now on will be share with her.
Luckily I still have her support, I don’t know if we will carry on as a couple, but, I could never get out off this without her help.
I know exactly how you feel, my partner( now ex) gambled all my savings…….yes I enabled him, which I need to accept myself. It was 10k. All I know is that I felt I was doing the right thing. I saw the person I love completely stressed out and I thought I was helping by clearing debt etc…….
I was so ashamed that I trusted this person and they screwed me over at every opportunity. I couldn’t tell my friends or family. I thought I could solve it all myself.
I can’t speak highly enough about support groups for spouses of addicts. It’s somewhere where I knew every person in the room had very similar experiences to myself.
For me I made some tough decisions around my relationship, as I noticed the more things went on, I was in some ways sicker than the addict.
I was driving myself insane, I gained so much weight from the stress of it all, and an awful lot of hard work I put in around my own mental health felt like it was destroyed.
I recommend a peer support group, it’s like a breathe of fresh air going in there.
@thebean thanks for the reply. I've asked her to move out and that didn't go down well.. im a cold heated bi**h for not giving her another chance . That I should be more understanding as gambling is an addiction that she can't help . She hasn't attended her meetings in past 2 weeks and its my fault because she was only going to keep me happy . She is for now in the spare room as she has no money to move out and nowhere to go . Life is stressful 😪
I was that person in the spare room not too long ago. Sure I would have loved the support from my now ex, but now I’m living alone and separated I can honestly say it’s the best thing that ever happened for my gambling addiction. Everyday I realise how much it can make us lose. If throwing all my money away wasn’t enough, I threw my wife and home away too. If that’s not the best motivation to quit I don’t know what is!
Sometimes it takes the biggest shock to make people realise they need to seriously reconsider their approach to gambling. This may be it for your partner (soon to be ex I presume). It may not be it. This may make them retreat to gambling to escape. Whatever the outcome, you have to look after you. Maybe there will be a time when things can work out again, but unfortunately until the gambling is seriously addressed, I believe you are making the right call. Only attending meetings to please you is not the sign of someone genuinely trying to beat this.
Stay strong 💪
Hi Ithappens i’m sorry you are going through this. My partner is a compulsive gambler and has been gamble free for the past 4.5 years. We’ve come to terms that for both of our mental health’s sake, he should never be trusted with anything related to money again. I trust him 100% with anything else. So i manage our finances and savings, and that will be the setup for life. He also needs to prove that he is committed to fight the addiction so he attends GA 3x a week, does his daily gratitude list, and I have access to his Monzo and credit report. Also we’re both Gamstop registered. Your partner is right it is an illness however as others have said, the gambler should want to beat it, has to put in the hard work. You can only support. You can’t be manipulated into enabling her fund the addiction. I wish you all the best and as others said make sure you get support too.
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