My son has a gambling problem amd I don't get it

Hi mollyb don't punish yourself, we all want to believe them. You can be there for him but you know you have to stop giving him money. If he hasn't got money to go out that's his problem. Safeguard your money, make sure he can't get at your cards. Phone gamcare and talk to someone today. We are human and natural reaction is to help, but you can't help a compulsive gambler. They are compulsive liars and masters of manipulation. Find a gamanon meeting or ask for counselling. Take care, keep posting.

Morning,

A few pithy pointers to bear in mind:

A gambler will play as long as someone else pays.

What you allow is what will continue.

If you don’t want to be a doormat, get off the floor.

Improvement begins with I.

The best tried and tested way to help your son is to help yourself first. Tough love is needed but it’s tough all round - no less for you than for him. At the moment, the enabling is more cruel than kind. The answers for you lie in AlAnon and GamAnon, it doesn’t matter what any other family member thinks, if you go to regular meetings and stick with it, your life will change.

Take care of you.

CW

Merry go round wrote:

Hi mollyb don't punish yourself, we all want to believe them. You can be there for him but you know you have to stop giving him money. If he hasn't got money to go out that's his problem. Safeguard your money, make sure he can't get at your cards. Phone gamcare and talk to someone today. We are human and natural reaction is to help, but you can't help a compulsive gambler. They are compulsive liars and masters of manipulation. Find a gamanon meeting or ask for counselling. Take care, keep posting.

Hi Merry go round thank you for your comment, reading the comments to my post is helping to reinforce my need to get proffessional help/councelling and that is my intention. I will keep posting as I hope to be able to post one day that I am no longer enabling my son with his addiction and that he also will have saught help. God Bless.

Cynical wife wrote:

Morning,

A few pithy pointers to bear in mind:

A gambler will play as long as someone else pays.

What you allow is what will continue.

If you don’t want to be a doormat, get off the floor.

Improvement begins with I.

The best tried and tested way to help your son is to help yourself first. Tough love is needed but it’s tough all round - no less for you than for him. At the moment, the enabling is more cruel than kind. The answers for you lie in AlAnon and GamAnon, it doesn’t matter what any other family member thinks, if you go to regular meetings and stick with it, your life will change.

Take care of you.

CW

Hi CW thank you I know your right and my intentions are to STOP with the funding I can not believe how I have allowed myself to become part of his addiction by funding him and believing the lies he feeds me. Oh well heres to a more possitive New Year. Keep up with the comments they are extremely helpful. THANK YOU

Happy New Year everyone. I intend to change the way I deal with my sons CG and other addictions by definitely getting myself help and counselling this year. I have tried everything with him even having him home for a while to show him "normality" but it lasted a few days and he was off again gambling his small income running up debts with people then calling me begging for yet again 1 more bail out!!!!!. I am at my rock bottom as I no longer have the funds to bail him out so now he is giving me the guilt trip threats........ I promise to try and not give in to him as I know deep down I am keeping him in his addiction but my heart fears what he will do or what will happen to him if I do not help him 🙁 I feel like I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. My husband is tougher than me and tells me to block his calls and to disown him untill he comes to his senses as he is using and abusing me. As I said earlier I am at my rock bottom so I have emailed a local addiction help group called SIAS so hopefully I will be attending councelling soon. Pleas God let there be light for my son this addiction is heartbreaking. God Bless you all. Mollyb x

Hello, Molly,

What you need help with is your reactions as described in your post, ie you dealing with what might happen (might, not would, no one can see into the future) and how you would feel about it, if you were to ever let your son manage his own illness.

You can’t let go of trying to fix any more than your son can let go of gambling, it’s always going to be next time for you in the same way as it’s next time for him. The help you need is in Al-Anon, CoDA or GamAnon but only you can work on you, for you.

CW

Hi Mollyb (are you the person at the start of this thread also?? Im a bit confused),

I have just been reading your posts and I agree with other posters that tough love is the answer here. No need to feel shame or anything like that for trying to help, as its natural for a parent to try and help their child. It seems that you worst fear that he may hurt himself or worse are whats driving this for you, again its understandable as no one can predict what some one will do, what I can tell you as a compulsive gambler is that I had to hit rock bottom before I sought help. The addcition very nearyly destroyed me but if I had access to funds I would not have stopped until oblivion.

I am not saying its easy but if you really care for your son, you and your husband need to have a frank discussion with him. Your husband is right, you should sell the car and tell him its being done to pay off debts from bailing him out. You say he wallows in bed etc and refuses to go to councelling, well then show him the door. Let him know that he has a room in your house under certain conditions, you want full control over his finances and he is to attend councilling and GA. If not then its goodbye, and you have to follow through with this. Up to now all he does is ring mum, play the pity or guilt card and you top him up.

I know my words my sound harsh but a compulsive gambler who does not get help can destroy not only themselves but also the ones they love.