New Dad, lover & addict. why did you do this

Hello Cockapoolover

I am so pleased that you have reached out for help and support on our Forum.  I am also pleased to hear that your Partner is attending GA meetings along with the one to one support through GamCare.  

Unfortunately, Problem gambling has a detrimental impact on loved ones, who are suffering too.  We have Advisers available 24/7 to help you to process how you feel and to look for a way forward for you.  You can contact an Adviser by calling our HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or using our LiveChat/WhatsApp or Facebook Options.  I encourage you to contact us.

Gam-Anon

I would also strongly recommend you have a look on the https://www.gam-anon.org   This is a website specifically for friends and families of people who are affected by problem gamblers. 

Please know that you are not alone....

Best

Amanda

Forum Admin

Hi CPO and Welcome

The first trusted advice is that you MUST now protect yourself and control all finances. You need to shut down his lines of any borrowing and make sure he is self excluded and the gambling dens know who he is with the right paperwork......get proactive and be proud about it

He has done this because addiction is an illness and gambling is a highly addictive drug

Gamblers do not do this with an evil laugh to hurt you. They are delusional addicts and helpless to control it. In the cold light of day trying to explain gambling makes no sense. I felt pathetic trying to explain my actions to my father but that is part of the reality checks needed for detox

Nobody is judging you and the decisions are yours

However you can never be complacent again about allowing him anything other than a small balance with receipts provided

You may well need family support and legal advice

That is indeed where he should be.....doing extra work and extra shifts......it will help build some focused pride during recovery.....he will be extra working for a long time.....get used to it. He should be helping at the local foodbank and seeing how the money he was wasting could have helped people....not least of all you!

He needs to be well aware relationships are on the line....that is called REALITY.....The reality we all have to live by for stable relationships and a safer future

He doesnt need your trust with money....that's off the table.....what he needs is some love and understanding of the illness but only if he is doing a proper recovery

This is a lifelong thing...do you understand? If you are willing  to stick by him that is your decision. You will get stronger and your sixth sense will instantly know if he even thinks about gambling

He can heal and will heal with proper help.

You have a job on if you are ready....however that is a smooth reasonable job if he is truly ready to seek help

Talk to him and see if the GA meetings are teaching him humility and he has got to learn about what's important again

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

I feel your devastation & I feel your pain.

Nobody knows why but we can try and help you gain some kind of control back.

Have him sign up to Credit Karma. You keep these details & check for any credit changes & also all passwords, user account details for bank accounts credit cards - you need access to them all.

What helped my husband? Hypnotherapy. Since 2018 he’s been keeping his nose clean. Any sign of relapse & he’ll be back in there. Try it.

Big hugs mama, you’re strong & you WILL get through this. xx

Posted by: @cockapoolover

After having the best Christmas and new year with my new family (4 month old baby) I woke up to a letter from my partner declaring he had a relapsed and was in significant debt!

I am beyond heartbroken, I feel a shell of a person and am trying my best to carry on as normal for my little one. 

In lockdown my partner announced he was in debt from gambling just as we were about to buy our house. I forgave him and supported him to clear his debt by writing out plans and spreadsheets. The debt was cleaed quickly (8months) because of lockdown (no life) he blocked himself from the apps and we cut up his credit card together. It was behind us or so I thought!

 

we bought our house in 2021 I put down the entire deposit (I have this in writing) but we pay half each of the mortgage. 
life was beyond amazing and after a short while of trying we feel pregnant in decemeber 2021. 

being the breadwinner, I was a little worried about maternity leave but with always being good with money. I started saving as much as I could to help me out and prepare. My partner also said he would give me money here and there to help with our little one and going to play groups etc

After a lovely Christmas and new year together i woke up to a letter on 6th Jan to tell me that my partner had relapsed and was in significant debt (three times more than last time). I have cried everyday since and cannot accept any affection off of him. although i am desperate for a hug from him. The debt is a number of loans and credit cards and will take up to 7 years to pay off. He has had to take on a second job to afford to pay it all. Which means i am on my own 4 evenings a week as well as him working his usual 9-5 in the week. 

he has apologised non stop and is attending ga meetings weekly, has an app to support him staying gamble free, is recieving 1-1 counselling through gamcare & has given me control over his finances. 

however i am so petrified this will happen again and i cannot see a happy future. I am so heartbroken but keeping strong for my baby. I cant help but think he was doing all of this whilst i carried our baby, gave birth and our baby bubble. 
acorrding to him he did it as he worried we wouldnt have money when i was on maternity leave and that annoys me. We both wanted this baby, felt ready and knew what the financial situation was with having a little one. I did the right thing and saved money for this time. 

our house is also up for remortgage in September what does this mean for us?

please give me some hope! Every story i seem to read seems none of this ends in happiness but i love him so much and don't want a broken family for my little boy. He is so young and doesn't deserve this ? 

i feel so alone and like noone understands my story. I dont have anyone close who has been through this and am in a position where i dont want to tell too many people in fear of them not liking him anymore and this wont bode well if we stay together. 

we have been together 6 years which is also a long time. 
betting aside he means everything to me. We are two peas in a pod. We laugh and joke everyday. And he is a fantastic dad but unfortunately this isnt my life anymore. I haven't laughed in weeks and can just about drag myself out of bed to be the best mum i can be for my little boy. He is the one thing keeping me going. 

thank you for reading 

Hey. Just want to say it sounds like a heartbreaking situation and I can only imagine the torment and trust issues you are going through. However; it is repairable! The money, the mental impact, the damage on the relationship, everything.

It is all repairable and I mean that as I sadly put my wife through all the similar stuff you describe in your post and like you we are like best mates, cannot live without one another, yet I was the one behind her back causing her so much grief. One reason: not because i didn’t love her enough or anything else, just that i was addicted and ill from the gambling trap. As Joydivider writes in his post, it is absolutely an illness.

People here care for one another hence why the advice has been very positive from all - just to echo some suggestions along with my own;

a) control all of the finances temporarily with access to his credit report as Vendi mentions above. 

b) have a commitment to no more lies (can be a deterrent from other addictions he might come across in future)

c) have him do gambling blocks via his bank blocking all gambling related transactions (can be done online)

d) remove any access to money which he could gamble with again

e) review his progress and check-in on how his sessions are going with counselling. Me and my wife had massive success with this and by the end of my second session I felt different about gambling altogether. My wife (like you will i’m sure) really wanted the sessions to work and change my life and fully supported each session to make sure it was effective by openly communicating how I felt after each one.

I am now 489 days gamble free, I rarely now think about gambling at all. But back then my whole marriage was at risk and felt like I could never be trusted again. I have 2 children and my wife gave me chance after chance until I decided enough was enough and I had to change forever. 

All the best, we are here for you!

Posted by: @cockapoolover

After having the best Christmas and new year with my new family (4 month old baby) I woke up to a letter from my partner declaring he had a relapsed and was in significant debt!

I am beyond heartbroken, I feel a shell of a person and am trying my best to carry on as normal for my little one. 

In lockdown my partner announced he was in debt from gambling just as we were about to buy our house. I forgave him and supported him to clear his debt by writing out plans and spreadsheets. The debt was cleaed quickly (8months) because of lockdown (no life) he blocked himself from the apps and we cut up his credit card together. It was behind us or so I thought!

 

we bought our house in 2021 I put down the entire deposit (I have this in writing) but we pay half each of the mortgage. 
life was beyond amazing and after a short while of trying we feel pregnant in decemeber 2021. 

being the breadwinner, I was a little worried about maternity leave but with always being good with money. I started saving as much as I could to help me out and prepare. My partner also said he would give me money here and there to help with our little one and going to play groups etc

After a lovely Christmas and new year together i woke up to a letter on 6th Jan to tell me that my partner had relapsed and was in significant debt (three times more than last time). I have cried everyday since and cannot accept any affection off of him. although i am desperate for a hug from him. The debt is a number of loans and credit cards and will take up to 7 years to pay off. He has had to take on a second job to afford to pay it all. Which means i am on my own 4 evenings a week as well as him working his usual 9-5 in the week. 

he has apologised non stop and is attending ga meetings weekly, has an app to support him staying gamble free, is recieving 1-1 counselling through gamcare & has given me control over his finances. 

however i am so petrified this will happen again and i cannot see a happy future. I am so heartbroken but keeping strong for my baby. I cant help but think he was doing all of this whilst i carried our baby, gave birth and our baby bubble. 
acorrding to him he did it as he worried we wouldnt have money when i was on maternity leave and that annoys me. We both wanted this baby, felt ready and knew what the financial situation was with having a little one. I did the right thing and saved money for this time. 

our house is also up for remortgage in September what does this mean for us?

please give me some hope! Every story i seem to read seems none of this ends in happiness but i love him so much and don't want a broken family for my little boy. He is so young and doesn't deserve this ? 

i feel so alone and like noone understands my story. I dont have anyone close who has been through this and am in a position where i dont want to tell too many people in fear of them not liking him anymore and this wont bode well if we stay together. 

we have been together 6 years which is also a long time. 
betting aside he means everything to me. We are two peas in a pod. We laugh and joke everyday. And he is a fantastic dad but unfortunately this isnt my life anymore. I haven't laughed in weeks and can just about drag myself out of bed to be the best mum i can be for my little boy. He is the one thing keeping me going. 

thank you for reading 

Hey. Just want to say it sounds like a heartbreaking situation and I can only imagine the torment and trust issues you are going through. However; it is repairable! The money, the mental impact, the damage on the relationship, everything.

It is all repairable and I mean that as I sadly put my wife through all the similar stuff you describe in your post and like you we are like best mates, cannot live without one another, yet I was the one behind her back causing her so much grief. One reason: not because i didn’t love her enough or anything else, just that i was addicted and ill from the gambling trap. As Joydivider writes in his post, it is absolutely an illness.

People here care for one another hence why the advice has been very positive from all - just to echo some suggestions along with my own;

a) control all of the finances temporarily with access to his credit report as Vendi mentions above. 

b) have a commitment to no more lies (can be a deterrent from other addictions he might come across in future)

c) have him do gambling blocks via his bank blocking all gambling related transactions (can be done online)

d) remove any access to money which he could gamble with again

e) review his progress and check-in on how his sessions are going with counselling. Me and my wife had massive success with this and by the end of my second session I felt different about gambling altogether. My wife (like you will i’m sure) really wanted the sessions to work and change my life and fully supported each session to make sure it was effective by openly communicating how I felt after each one.

I am now 489 days gamble free, I rarely now think about gambling at all. But back then my whole marriage was at risk and felt like I could never be trusted again. I have 2 children and my wife gave me chance after chance until I decided enough was enough and I had to change forever. 

All the best, we are here for you!

Posted by: @cockapoolover

After having the best Christmas and new year with my new family (4 month old baby) I woke up to a letter from my partner declaring he had a relapsed and was in significant debt!

I am beyond heartbroken, I feel a shell of a person and am trying my best to carry on as normal for my little one. 

In lockdown my partner announced he was in debt from gambling just as we were about to buy our house. I forgave him and supported him to clear his debt by writing out plans and spreadsheets. The debt was cleaed quickly (8months) because of lockdown (no life) he blocked himself from the apps and we cut up his credit card together. It was behind us or so I thought!

 

we bought our house in 2021 I put down the entire deposit (I have this in writing) but we pay half each of the mortgage. 
life was beyond amazing and after a short while of trying we feel pregnant in decemeber 2021. 

being the breadwinner, I was a little worried about maternity leave but with always being good with money. I started saving as much as I could to help me out and prepare. My partner also said he would give me money here and there to help with our little one and going to play groups etc

After a lovely Christmas and new year together i woke up to a letter on 6th Jan to tell me that my partner had relapsed and was in significant debt (three times more than last time). I have cried everyday since and cannot accept any affection off of him. although i am desperate for a hug from him. The debt is a number of loans and credit cards and will take up to 7 years to pay off. He has had to take on a second job to afford to pay it all. Which means i am on my own 4 evenings a week as well as him working his usual 9-5 in the week. 

he has apologised non stop and is attending ga meetings weekly, has an app to support him staying gamble free, is recieving 1-1 counselling through gamcare & has given me control over his finances. 

however i am so petrified this will happen again and i cannot see a happy future. I am so heartbroken but keeping strong for my baby. I cant help but think he was doing all of this whilst i carried our baby, gave birth and our baby bubble. 
acorrding to him he did it as he worried we wouldnt have money when i was on maternity leave and that annoys me. We both wanted this baby, felt ready and knew what the financial situation was with having a little one. I did the right thing and saved money for this time. 

our house is also up for remortgage in September what does this mean for us?

please give me some hope! Every story i seem to read seems none of this ends in happiness but i love him so much and don't want a broken family for my little boy. He is so young and doesn't deserve this ? 

i feel so alone and like noone understands my story. I dont have anyone close who has been through this and am in a position where i dont want to tell too many people in fear of them not liking him anymore and this wont bode well if we stay together. 

we have been together 6 years which is also a long time. 
betting aside he means everything to me. We are two peas in a pod. We laugh and joke everyday. And he is a fantastic dad but unfortunately this isnt my life anymore. I haven't laughed in weeks and can just about drag myself out of bed to be the best mum i can be for my little boy. He is the one thing keeping me going. 

thank you for reading 

Hey. Just want to say it sounds like a heartbreaking situation and I can only imagine the torment and trust issues you are going through. However; it is repairable! The money, the mental impact, the damage on the relationship, everything.

It is all repairable and I mean that as I sadly put my wife through all the similar stuff you describe in your post and like you we are like best mates, cannot live without one another, yet I was the one behind her back causing her so much grief. One reason: not because i didn’t love her enough or anything else, just that i was addicted and ill from the gambling trap. As Joydivider writes in his post, it is absolutely an illness.

People here care for one another hence why the advice has been very positive from all - just to echo some suggestions along with my own;

a) control all of the finances temporarily with access to his credit report as Vendi mentions above. 

b) have a commitment to no more lies (can be a deterrent from other addictions he might come across in future)

c) have him do gambling blocks via his bank blocking all gambling related transactions (can be done online)

d) remove any access to money which he could gamble with again

e) review his progress and check-in on how his sessions are going with counselling. Me and my wife had massive success with this and by the end of my second session I felt different about gambling altogether. My wife (like you will i’m sure) really wanted the sessions to work and change my life and fully supported each session to make sure it was effective by openly communicating how I felt after each one.

I am now 489 days gamble free, I rarely now think about gambling at all. But back then my whole marriage was at risk and felt like I could never be trusted again. I have 2 children and my wife gave me chance after chance until I decided enough was enough and I had to change forever. 

All the best, we are here for you!

Hi their this is very sad to read can u get your partner on here, normally when this happens i can understand he feels embrassed but touch wood it possible to get better, he has to "want" to change rather then "stop" lossing he needs to be honest with u once the addiction does take over all logic gets thrown out the window until reality hits, this addiction is life long and simply he can't have a bet he needs to accept this from my experince i was clean over 2 and half years and thought i cracked it since my last relapse i have realised it life long illness and it could break me at any time, if he has any urgues he needs to be honest with u all it takes is one mistake, at my local GA their are people who have done 10 years to one who done 25 years GA so it is possible to abstain from gambling 

Gambling is like cancer. When you first get it, you are not too sure if it is anything to worry about. If you get help early it can be arrested and cured. 

If you wait until it is obviously bad, then either it might be fixed and you go into remission or you die.

Once you have had it and survived, you need to be on your guard for the rest of your life. 

Abstinence and support are the keys to staying well and even possibly being happy.

All the advice above is right. Prevention is far better than the cure. If you decide to stay with your partner, you really must separate your finances and protect your property for you and your baby.

Make totally sure that his debts are his alone and that the home can not be taken away from you.

And many people on here DO understand, and feel your pain. Get advice, get help and don't feel alone.

Wishing you well,

Clifford

@beat_gambling_today I am new to the site as I have just found out this week that my husband is a gambling addict and we are doing everything to put support mechanisms in place for his recovery. I have spoken to him about taking control of the finances and he feels this is just me punishing him.

You mention in your list about removing access to all funds he may use for gambling. Do you have any advice as to how this may practically work? He may need money for petrol or a coffee or food for our daughter if he is out with her. This is not often or daily as I am her primary carer, but realistically there are some times he will need access to money. Do we work out an allowance for him? Does it have to be cash only, or can he have a card and I monitor the gambling? 

He was only ever gambling online and he is certain he wouldn't go into a bookies or buy scratch cards, but I feel we can't know this for sure as yet. He has signed up to Gamstop, I witnessed this, and we have downloaded GAMBAN onto our various devices to prevent any online gambling. Its not possible for him to gamble at work online because there are strong IT safeguards to prevent this. 

He is starting meetings on Tuesday and will go to 2 this week - I'm bringing him.

I feel we have in relative terms caught the addiction early, 6 months, and we are not destitute. The financial situation feels salvageable from the work I have done on our spreadsheet, but what we're both finding hard is that he is the main breadwinner and he feels he is being punished by not having the final say on financial decisions. 

I appreciate this would just be from your own personal experience that you speak and that you may have no answers, indeed there may be no answers, but I would just appreciate your thoughts if there is anything that comes to mind in relation to my questions. 

Many thanks.