Hi I have just discovered the forum and am really hoping for some advice. My husband is a compulsive gambler. I'm a mum of 4 and on maternity leave at the minute. Approximately 10 years ago my husband got into 50k plus of debt through online gambling. I remortgaged, bailed him out, was blacklisted for 6 years because he took out a huge loan in both our names without my knowledge which he then defaulted on... long story short I stood by him and went to Gamanon protected myself and kids financially he agreed to transfer his wages into my account for mortgage etc each month. This continued for a number of years although life was never easy as he had to work constantly to pay his huge debt and refused to go to GA which always bothered me. But I followed the advice and focused on the kids, our lives, the positive etc..
I always told him if he went back to the lies and debt we were done.
Fast forward to today...he's recently told me he's gambled again. When he first told me he said he was tired living a double life was depressed unhappy insane etc and needed it out in the open and it wasn't about the money. I has huge doubts. A few weeks later he asked me to take out a loan for his gambling debts so that we could move on with our lives. I told him I wouldn't do it, he has to take responsibility for his actions he's an adult etc etc. He then got angry threatened to move out etc. Subsequently he has just told me not only does he owe thousands on credit cards and payday loans etc but that he also borrowed 3k off a person he knows in work (and agreed to pay back 4k) and is now begging for help to pay this back as he claims he is "in trouble" if he doesn't. When I pressed him as to how exactly is he in trouble - will he lose his job etc he won't tell me. I refused to help him and said I don't believe him and that he's an adult and made his on choice to gamble and borrow this money. He then sent a begging message to a few friends of his asking them to give him or me money because I am on maternity pay and because he is about to give all his wages I.e. our mortgage, food, and bills money which he normally transfers to me to this person in work. I have contacted his friends and told them he's a compulsive gambler and asked them not to bail him out. One of his friends is trying to set him up with counselling which I think he has agreed to.
I feel totally lost as to what to do . I'm scared because I don't know how we are going to make ends meet. I'm also torn because at the minute , because I am on maternity pay which is very little , I am financially dependent on him. I also feel that I am going back on my ultimatum that if he gambles again then the marriage is over. The reality is that he has nowhere else to go and no money to pay rent elsewhere. But I also can't live with him/ like this. My children especially my 10 year old daughter are picking up on the situation and I am worried about the effect on them.
Sorry the post is so long and thank you for reading. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Typical cg manipulative,chasing losses,deceitful,guilt trip,immature,not prepared to take responsibility of his own actions and worst of all hurting people close to him bottom line is he doesn't care or this the damage gambling can do.Big question is what are you going to do ?take a deep breath and think clearly what you need to do for you and your children not him it's up to him to admit and accept his problem then it's a start if you choose to support him not financially then it's your choice it's going to be emotionally tough and no easy ride and you have to prepare your self remember if you can't help your self you are no good to others but be positive get some head space it can get better only if you both genuinely want it to good luck.Keep reading the forum posts they can guide you remember protect your self and your children
Thank you for the reply.
I don't think I have it in me to stand by him and help him financially this time. I've done it over and over and barely got so much as a thank you from him. I feel like I've taken from my kids to give to his gambling debts and we've missed out on so many happy times as a family because of it. I went through a lot of resentment which I don't think I could cope with again. It wouldn't have been as bad if he had accepted it and genuinely wanted to make amends. The problem that I'm really struggling with is that I feel trapped financially because of my circumstances being on maternity pay and also that he genuinely has nowhere else to go- no friends he can call on and no money for rent to move out as he can't pay the debt that he has. I don't think that I could ever trust him again now no matter what he said or did but at the same time I feel weak powerless and confused
Sorry to hear that sadly gambling can be very damaging to any relationship both financially and emotionally the trust and respect destroyed.As people here will say how much are you prepared to sacrifice?It's your call that's why you need to think long and hard before you make a solid decision .Ring Gamcare they can give you impartial advice and support you have nothing to lose but alot to gain .Again keep positive good luck.
Hi Karen
I'm sorry to see what you're going through. Life with an active CG really is rubbish.
Has he said he wants to stop? Because the truth is if he doesn't he won't and a CG who won't stop is more than capable of dragging everyone else around down with them. Does he want to make the marriage work? If he does it's time for him to step up to the plate starting with handing over his finances in full to you. You can't live from month to month not knowing if the money you need for the household might or might not be headed in the direction of some vague acquaintance. You also need to know the true extent of the debt which means access to his credit reports with every agency out there.
The vague acquaintance would be going hang in this house along with any other random pals he taps for cash. That's for him to sort out anyway, not you. Same for the payday loans and credit cards. He needs to get to Payplan or Stepchange and get some advice. He can try CAB too but the crucial thing is not to take out further debt you will end up liable for.
It's very tempting for us partners and family to take on the burden and try and fix things but the truth is we can't until the CG wants to fix things for themselves. Your choices lie with how much of this appalling behaviour you tolerate. Draw your lines and stick to them. State what you want calmly and don't be drawn into further discussion.If he can't move out for self inflicted lack of funds (I was in the same position and had pretty much the same conversation. No idea how Mr L planned to pay rent for somewhere else unless they took fresh air) he has to be very clear that the kids and the household expenses come first and the gambling debts a very distant second
Thank you both..
I did ring gamcare and the general advice was to follow my instincts and that he has to take responsibility for his actions. I agree 100% but just don't know what to do. He says he wants to stop but I doubt that he will, because ive heard it time and time again. I blame myself for staying with him and now I'm in even deeper with a new baby and feel so sorry for the kids and worried about their future. The advisor on the gamcare helpline said it's not my responsibility if he has nowhere else to go...but he really has nowhere. He moved out in a temper last Thursday for 2 nights because I refused to help pay his debt and when I asked him where he had been he said he had stayed in a hostel. I've told him I won't pay for his gambling but at the same time if he stays we will end up paying there is no way round it . I just don't know if I can take any more hes had so many chances already
Hi, Karen,
Sorry to hear it. Do you have real life support for you? Also, get a babysitter and start GamAnon again.
Would echo advice not to take on his problem about how he manages if he goes. After all, he survived at the hostel. You must have read about the Merry Go Round booklet, about how he needs to feel the consequences if he is to seek change and he won't if you protect him from them? Keep the focus on what you and the children need to be safe. You must to be able to set and enforce boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate. Otherwise the chaos will continue and you'll stay trapped.
Also, I'm not convinced about the friends, he's trying to tap them for money but not for a sofa? Or he has no friends because he's too busy gambling? In any event, friends are generally capable of enforcing their own boundaries and friendships are lost when the addict takes too many liberties.
Let him sort out him, you focus on what you need to do to look after you and the children. Take care.
CW
Hadn't seen the update. Seems he can manage just fine when it suits so if you want him out there's no need to worry. They really do need to feel the consequences of their actions. We've probably all been down the bailing out route and had it thrown back in our faces. Put yourself and the kids first. Until he stops you're the only one who will.
Take care
Sorry to read the position you find yourself in. I had lots of ultimatums which I ignored it was only when they was finally followed through with that I finally did something about it and from that day I have not had a bet. It's a shame it came to that but I can only blame myself for that.
Put you and the kids first and follow your gut. I wish you well.
KTF
Cynical wife wrote:
Hi, Karen,
Sorry to hear it. Do you have real life support for you? Also, get a babysitter and start GamAnon again.
Would echo advice not to take on his problem about how he manages if he goes. After all, he survived at the hostel. You must have read about the Merry Go Round booklet, about how he needs to feel the consequences if he is to seek change and he won't if you protect him from them? Keep the focus on what you and the children need to be safe. You must to be able to set and enforce boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate. Otherwise the chaos will continue and you'll stay trapped.
Also, I'm not convinced about the friends, he's trying to tap them for money but not for a sofa? Or he has no friends because he's too busy gambling? In any event, friends are generally capable of enforcing their own boundaries and friendships are lost when the addict takes too many liberties.
Let him sort out him, you focus on what you need to do to look after you and the children. Take care.
CW
Cynical wife wrote:
Hi, Karen,
Sorry to hear it. Do you have real life support for you? Also, get a babysitter and start GamAnon again.
Would echo advice not to take on his problem about how he manages if he goes. After all, he survived at the hostel. You must have read about the Merry Go Round booklet, about how he needs to feel the consequences if he is to seek change and he won't if you protect him from them? Keep the focus on what you and the children need to be safe. You must to be able to set and enforce boundaries of what you will and won't tolerate. Otherwise the chaos will continue and you'll stay trapped.
Also, I'm not convinced about the friends, he's trying to tap them for money but not for a sofa? Or he has no friends because he's too busy gambling? In any event, friends are generally capable of enforcing their own boundaries and friendships are lost when the addict takes too many liberties.
Let him sort out him, you focus on what you need to do to look after you and the children. Take care.
CW
Sorry to hear Karen. As an addict working on their addiction i know how hard this can be, but I also had to be willing to accept all the support i could - including GA which isn't always easy.
tri
Thank you everyone for taking the time to read and reply. He has said that he is going to fulfill his financial obligations to us this month,go to counselling and then take it from there. I am exhausted with at all aswell as trying to keep things going with the kids and a young baby so I am going to just wait and see what happens next. I'm struggling with anger and resentment - has anyone found any way to deal with those feelings? I got really low before because I was so upset and annoyed at the stress that he put us under and am afraid of it happening again. I really appreciate the advice thank you
Thank you for the kind reply. My circumstances are just so complicated. We have 4 kids together youngest is 7 months. I agree with everything you are saying I just don't feel like I know where to turn I feel like I need to speak to someone as everything is so complicated. I phoned the helpline and they basically said he needs to be held accountable for his actions but couldn't advise me further about my own circumstances. I phoned cab I am not entitled to benefits as I'm working and on maternity leave. It is all too complicated to start going into it here. I phoned a girl I know who runs the local Gamanon group twice a month she suggested I go to the meetings which may help but at the minute I feel like I'm fire fighting every day and don't have a long term plan. My husband has done this over and over again and I don't see a future with him but I don't see how I can manage alone either. Ive arranged to start counselling with relate to talk things through about how I am going to manage and they recommended I read a book about codependency by Melody Beattie which makes a lot of sense but I feel really stressed and powerless at the minute. I want to make him feel the consequences of his own actions it's just easier said than done ...I know there are bound to be people here that have felt like this before I've tried to get onto the chat rooms but had no luck
The book is available via that famous on line rIver of retailers whose name can't be mentioned on this forum, it won't break the bank.
Making the decision to stay or go is very hard, it's a decision for you to make when you're ready. However, it's probably best to take ownership of your choices. It's no good passing the buck to him or to circumstances in general. If you really wanted to go, you would or at least you'd start laying the foundations for it, regardless of the financial pressure. And you'd survive.
Take the help for you, take care of you.
CW
I did get it and it's v interesting reading. Thanks for advice. Need to take things one step at a time it's all very overwhelming at minute esp with a young baby. But I do appreciate all the advice
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
