New name new start

Hi Phoenix,

I followed your story from the beginning and I'm really sorry to hear of the pain you are still going through but it sounds like there may be some light at the end of the tunnel.....I hope you find some peace as, I'm sure you have been told a million times, none of this is your doing.

Us cg's always think of ourselves first and it's horrible to read the affect it has on the people around us.

I don't really have much more to say than that but I really hope things continue to improve for you.

I wish you well.

HI ITDamo

Thank you.

Im doing ok, Ive come to terms with how things are and can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Its a new normal so taking a little getting used to but it each day it gets a little better.

Hi Phoenix67.

I read your words and wept a little.

I wish my husband would just go. I know that's not what you wanted as a mum to happen to your son, and the not knowing must be gut-renchingly painful. But I wish he would just pack a bag and sod off and leave me so I can pick up the pieces and move on and start again. For me and the children. My problem is, I'm too soft. I have put up with years of lurching from one bad situation to another with him and his gambling. He is nearing 40 and has been a gambler for 20yrs of his life. I woke up one day and had had enough, decided that I wasn't going to keep covering it up anymore, no more excuses and pretending. I wanted to leave with the children. I told the schools what was happening. I have read that it's important to stop covering up and to tell someone what's happening. His parents and talking to people on here made me realise it was abuse I was suffering at the hands of him. My husband. Lover and protector. Don't make me laugh....the only thing he's ever protected and loved is himself and his gambling. I am bitter. Angry. Hurt. Broken in so many ways I can't put into words. Scared. Not of anything physical coz that's not in him, that's one thing I can say about him. But he can twist and manipulate and bully verbally and mentally to the point where I have felt like my only escape is suicide. But no way am I leaving my kids to him. He keeps saying he's not a monster. That he's no abuser. I just wanted it all to stop. But I stupidly let him back home, listened to all the lies and manipulation and now it's backfiring on me big time.

Stay strong.

I wish you so much luck and happiness. I hope your life continues to get easier and better and In time, you will feel fulfilled and happy. Your son is a grown man now and has to take responsibility for himself and his actions. My husband has had his @r*e wiped for him his whole life and expects nothing less now as a grown married father! You have not failed, you have done more for him and taken enough from him than most parents would. You have nothing to reproach yourself about at all.

Good luck and take care,

Sad x

Hi Phoenix I'm pleased you've came back I've been wondering how things have been going. First of all I'm sorry your not in contact with your son, that is sad and must hurt you every day. You went through a traumatic time as a mam, a wife, a family. It's not your fault, you tried all ways to help your son but unfortunately he wasn't ready for your help he wasn't ready or able to stop the addiction. I'm pleased you have had counselling and it has been of some help for you. I hope that one day your son will beat this addiction and will come to you to make the peace. You will always be his mam you have had to put your relationship on hold for now. you take care. Wcid x

As a mum we only want the best for our children. When you have a child that gambles our reaction at first is the thoughts that some how we have failed. It takes a long time to get past this feeling. Then we feel sad to see what our child is doing to their life, not sad for ourselves but sad for them. It's a pain we carry with us always.

Your son will hopefully wake up to the fact that he has a problem. Seek help and eventually come back to the family that love him most. But for now it is time for you

So happy to see a post from you. You have been to hell and back and lived to tell the tale. I am so sorry that your son has still not embraced a recovery I know you must be crushed. :(. I am glad that you have been getting help with this... it's to hard to bear without support.

Stay strong my dear... thinking and praying for both you and your son.

Love

Cathy

Hi, Phoenix,

It's a nice idea, rising from the ashes of the addiction, I hope you grow and go from strength to strength.

Take care,

CW

Hi Everyone

Thank you all for your support.

I didnt think just a couple of weeks ago I could sit here and talk to anyone about this, and couldnt imagine even feeling a little better than I did but I do in tiny steps every day. I dont think Im ever going to stop feeling sad for him nor get rid of the knot in my stomach but Im learning to live with it.

Ive neglected my physical and mental health for a long time and Im doing things to put that right, even simple things help like making sure I eat a decent meal and doing something that makes me feel good, even going out for a coffee feels good.

I think the thing thats helping the most is that Ive stopped doubting myself, after years of being told how rubbish I was and all the other insults my son could throw at me, I know none of its true. I know I have done my very best to help him.

Its been said to me that we made the right decision, but it wasnt a real decision we had no choice, it was obvious he was going to continue to gamble and his behaviour was deteriorating rapidly and we just could not live that way anymore.

Sad and Lonely 80. I know all too well how you're feeling, its sheer hell and I couldnt see myself ever feeling any better but I do bit by bit.

Your husband is a compulsive gambler and , and will behave in all of the awful ways you describe. Its perfectly normal to feel the way you do in the circumstances, and yes this is abuse it doesnt have to be violent theres other kinds of abuse its all horrific and you shouldnt have to live with it.

Your husband is in denial and you will never be able to reason with him, you'll drive yourself mad trying so dont bother. You are not soft, dont forget how manipulative a cg can be its easy to see how we believe them, they can be very convincing. There were at least 2 occassions when we threw my son out before he left for good and each time I was determined he wasnt coming back but he came back. As you've found out theyre full of promises which dont last and we're back to square one again or worse . Im afraid while your husband is in denial things will continue as they are or more than likely get worse, Im so sorry to say that.

Dont make the mistake I made living my life around them, huge huge mistake, you gradually get more and more beaten down by it all. I was as broken and scared as you are now and yes I had a melt down for while after my son left but Im doing better now and there is life with out a compulsive gambler in it, and it gets better every day, I wouldnt trade what Ive got now for anything. To start with I wanted nothing more than to get my son back, and I came dam close to it but I knew that nothing had changed and wasnt going to and thats what stopped me.

I really have felt just as low as you but realised the only person who could change the situation was me, my son and your husband are in denial, we cant let them call the shots. Plus the only people who can help them is themselves we cant it doesnt work that way.

We gave my son an ultimatum (have done several times before but didnt last ) but this time we knew that we must follow through if he fails and we'd be no further forward and he wont believe anything we say after that. He was told what was acceptable and what wasnt and if he wasnt prepared to do as we ask he must leave. He stole from us again and he was told to leave, he wouldnt so we changed the locks, and long story short he left and havent seen him since. I thought the stress and the upset were going to kill me but it didnt Im still here and fiercely determined never to go back to living that way again.

If you do not want to live with your husband anymore then its you who's going to have to make that move, he wont. Theres plenty of partners here that give better advice with this than I can, theres women who have left there husband and are doing well, sorry if I cant remember names.

Get as much support as you can, Gamcare would be the first call, the domestic abuse help line would be of great help too, it would worth seeing what legal advice you can get as well. Id also give citizens advice a call , your local housing, you dont have to be in emergency accomodation. You dont have to do it all in one day, just a bit at a time, give yourself a little time to get things organised. I would do all of this with out your husband knowing, Id keep any converstaions with him brief so you dont get any more upset getting drawn into his mind games. Id stay out of his way as much as I could, while I quietly got on with making plans that were right for me.

You are much stronger than you think you are, if you dont want to live this way any more then you call the shots not him. He'll probably turn on the charm, then the bullying and abuse will start you know the pattern by now but see it as that, its all just manipulation, dont listen to it. I learned not to react (very hard wanted to scream at him) but I kept it brief said only what I needed to and walked away and did that every time, shocked my son he was expecting an argument, he never got another one from me.

Once you decide what you want you stop feeling so helpless, yes it scary and hard but well worth it.

Take care x

P.S Cyncial Wife you're spot on, that just why I chose the name.

P.P.S Hi Amom 🙂 x

Phoenix, you are amazing!

What words of strength and wisdom you have bestowed on me even in such darkness and pain yourself....my respect to you is huge and I thank you for your reply. Everything you have written is right and true. He came back into the house knowing I didn't love him, he begged me to give him the chance to make things right and show me he can treat me properly and show me the love he should have been all along. We have had 3 good days of talking, hugging, being in each others company without fighting or harsh words, more intimacy, him helping around the house more.....then the last 4 days have been filled again with arguments, avoiding eachother and him threatening me with all sorts. Back to what it was before. He is so manipulative it's scary. Yet he does not see it. He thinks he should be getting a financial reward for seeing his counsellor and half sticking to his agreement....honestly, this wa said to me tonight less than half an hour ago! Then the usual guilt trip and threat of taking his phone into a shop to sell to raise money to gamble with. He has had a go at me for wearing pyjamas to bed....he sees it as an indication of me either being in a mood with him or some other personal attack. I'm allowed to wear bloody pyjamas if I want to....it's like I either have to ask permission first or pre-warn him that tonight I will be wearing them and it's for this reason so there's no preconception. How messed up is that? I'm realising as I'm writing this to you, that no other wife would have to explain to their husband their choice of bed wear in any way, shape or form, so why the hell should I? Is that classed as abuse? I don't know? He says he's not abusive and refuses to be labelled as such. This isn't the first time this has happened either.

Reading your story of how life was for you with your son is gut-achingly sad. It's a different level of pain when it's your child. You're not supposed to give up on them by law of nature are you? But in these situations there is no other choice and I commend your strength. I wish I was as strong as you. I know you don't feel it but you are.

I will take your advice re: help from agencies etc. Maybe quiet work behind the scenes is what's needed now. I've tried the shock approach and that doesn't seem to have really worked other then he's seeing a counsellor for his gambling....which they have only offered him 4 sessions and he's already had 2, so my thoughts and feelings are that it will end there and he can say he's stuck to his side of the bargain. As he's been in a mood with me the past 4 days and I've shown him no affection I'm not sticking to my side....oh, and it's me who needs to change aswell according to him. There isn't a person in the world that is affectionate to someone vile towards them to my knowledge.....I may be wrong. According to him I usually am!

All the very best, keep strong and moving on....easy for others to say and harder to do, I know, but I think you are amazing!

Take care,

Sad 🙂 x

Hi Sad

Thank you for saying Im strong but really Im not, we were literally stuck between a rock and hard place. Life with my son was beyond awful or a life with out him, either were really bad, and it was obvious that after all this time he was still very much in denial and didn't want recovery. The hardest thing for me to deal with is knowing that losing us wasnt enough for him to want recovery. We got to the point where we said enough but its taken us a very long time to get here and all we ever seemed to do was go round in circles. Up until he left I was still thinking show me something that gives me hope but it wasnt like that it was horrible.

Now 9 weeks down the line and feeling a little better and at the risk of repeating myself theres no way on earth I would ever live that way again. I miss him so much it physically hurts, but that doesnt change anything hes still a cg and nothing will of changed. Im told that when he chooses recovery that he will see we did the right thing and thats what keeps me going, I just have to wait.

What your husband is doing is classic cg manipulation, saying what he knows you want to hear, and then you realising its just more lies. Do not under estimate how manipulative and calculating they can be, Ive heard some good ones and I thought my son couldnt get much past me any more but he did.

The moodiness, the blaming you for anything and everything, the bullying, the emotional abuse, the trying to make you feel guilty and all the other behaviours that go with a cg. Your husband is deep in denial and his behaviour shows that and you will not be able to reason with him, all you will do is keep going round in circles.

My son had a brief spell where he wanted recovery and just in a short time the change in him was quite remarkable, he was softly spoken, polite and was happy to do what we asked of him with out hesitation, totally didfferent to the monster he usually was. It didnt last long and he slipped back to what he was. Any cg who wants recovery has to do everything possible to get that, theres no negotiating, and should be willing to what is asked of them with out question, if they hesitate or get stroppy then theyr'e not genuine.

You're getting stuck in the same cycle we all do, its normal I did it for years, we live in hope that they'll stop and that maybe this time theyre nice to us its a sign that things are going to improve, then crash the realisation its all lies again. When you realise "here we go again" its real kick in the teeth but we pick ourselves up and just keep going in hope.

I have upmost respect for a cg who wants recovery and is actively doing something about it, but one in denial is an entirely didfferent thing and those who have recovered will tell you they're not to be trusted.

I understand you're upset about wanting to wear pyjamas, heck you should be able to wear a tutu to bed if you want with out any of the agro your husband gave you. Again its all part of the mind games they use, when you get drawn into an argument with him its exactly what he wants, it takes the emphasis away from his bad behaviour and talking about his gambling which is the last thing he wants. Threats to sell his phone, or what ever else it maybe its all again the manipulation and mind games. Every day he'll blame you for something else that hes not happy about, it can get quite ridiculous, eg. the pyjamas, theres many times Ive been lost for words for some the things my son has blamed me for.

Once you see it for what it is you learn not to react to it, learn to walk away, when he starts being stroppy or blaming you for anything just walk away dont saying anything and leave the room. It will shock him to not get the response hes used to and you will come away feeling better. Its hard to start with, I wanted to scream at my son and often felt like giving him a good hard slap, but all it does is drag you back in.

As for affectionate one minute and vile the next my god was my son good at that, he could turn the charm on like you wouldn't believe. A day before he left he told me what a great Mum I was etc etc only so he could go and rake through my bedroom to look for money and when cornered my charming son wasnt calling me a great Mum anymore it was "s**m".

He may not like the idea that the way he treats you is abusive but it most definelty is, when it was first said to me,I couldnt believe it, but I most defiently see it was now. Its now Im out of the situation I see just how bad it had got, but for me it was normal, theres nothing normal about the way my son treat me or how your husband treats you.

I thought that maybe my son was so addicted that somehow he couldn't control his behaviour around us and it wasnt his fault, (thought that for quite some time). It was pointed out that he gets out of bed and goes to work and interacts with the outside world, but not one other person out side of here would know hes a cg. The point is he chooses to behave badly towards us, hes an adult (still very young but adult all the same ) and makes his own decisions and so does your husband, they know exactly what they're doing. I can see how much my son is hurting and Im sure all cg's are the same but that doesnt mean they can treat us badly.

Its up to you when you decide you've had enough of living this way.

Take care x

Hello Phoenix67

I wanted to wish you a warm welcome back to the forum. I was really glad to see your post and to see that you feel able to talk about yourself and your son again. I understand that your time away from the forum was necessary in allowing you to focus on yourself and have a complete break from a gambling-related environment. I have to say that I think you've chosen a great username, and one that indicates an element of change since you were here last. Although you say you don’t feel strong, perhaps you’re stronger than you think you are.

I can hear that counselling has been really useful in helping you come to terms with what's happened, and by allowing you to accept that none of what’s happened is your fault. It certainly did sound like what you went through was traumatic, so perhaps it was helpful in some ways to have this labelled as abuse. I can understand why you might have doubted yourself over the years given some of the things your son said to you (perhaps born out his own frustration and upset). I completely agree with you - you didn't make a choice to end the relationship with your son, you simply couldn't continue with the set-up that you had. As much as you tried your best and hoped to be able to help, it was not healthy for him or for you and your husband either.

You have come a long way in the last two months but I can hear how painful this continues to be for you. You seem to have accepted that there will be a 'knot in your stomach' and a sadness for as long as your son is not in your life, but that you’re finding ways of living with this. I can imagine it will take time to adjust, given how much your life has changed, but it’s good to hear that each day gets a bit easier. You have a huge amount of support here from people who really care about you. For as long as your son is not in your life, I hope you can continue to look after yourself and use support in this way.

Best wishes

Laura

Thank you Laura

Im doing ok, things are getting easier.

Ive seen my sons social media this weekend and theres plenty of photos showing what a great time hes having out with friends at clubs and casinos. I cant decide wether Im relieved hes ok or angry that his world hasnt seem to of fallen apart like mine has. I was hoping that maybe he was a step closer to want recovery after past events but it doesnt appear so, and hurts to think that losing us wasnt enough for him to want that.

I think I needed to see those photos its gave me quite a reality check, its time I drew a line under this and moved on with my own life he obviously has. Yes I feel so sad I think I always will but I no longer want to go and look for him and quite frankly dont want to know where he is.

He was told that he wasnt to contact us again until hes in recovery and I stand by that, Im just going to have to be patient and hope that we dont have to wait too long.

Thanks again.

My heart breaks for you yet your strength and courage are incredible.

You are doing your absolute best for your son no matter how c##P it feels. It is such a lonely road you're travelling but wanted you to know I keep both you and your son in my heart.

Cathyxx

Hi Amom

Thank you for your unending support it means more to me than you'd ever know, this is as you say a very lonely road. My husband never mentions our son, said all he feels is relief and my other son never mentions his brother in fear of upsetting me, it feels like somedays he never exsisted.

I dont feel courageous or strong, this was forced upon me and Ive got no choice other than to keep going. You once told me to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and thats all Im doing.

It still all feels a bit odd, even the little things take a bit getting used to I still have to remind myself that I dont need to hide my handbag all the time. The peace and quiet as wonderful as it is again feels a liitle odd.

I dont want to stop missing my son, for me it means how much I love him but Im learning to live with out him. I tell myself I need to look after me and in time when hes recovered I'll see him again, maybe Im deluded but it works for me.

Anyway enough about me how are you doing ?

Ann xoxo

thank