Hello all
Joined a few days ago and have been reading and digesting, done a few posts/replies but not known where to start with mine. Thanks again to those who have responded to my posts.
OH has been a CG all his life, I have been with him seven years and found this out 18 months ago. He quit for six months, had a small period of betting hen assured me he had quit again. But..... I found out two weeks ago hes been gambling again for six months! I have done all the credit and bank account checks, I have all the access to accounts and all the cards, or at least I think I do.
This has come from out the blue and I am devastated. I didnt take it that seriously last year and believed he would stop but now I have done more research I see the extent of the problem. Hes started GA and I want him to go to counselling but hes resisting at the moment.
We are potentially on the brink of ending. I cannot face a life with an addict again. I was with an addict for 20 years (weed) and when I got out of that felt liberated and free to make my own choices and path in life. To now find I have fallen for another and one who has knowingly duped me into thinking he led a normal life, has just about finished me off. I am so sad, upset and hurt. I feel like I am grieving.
I will go to the GamAnon Meeting this week and see how I get on. Maybe I will find hope and strength. Maybe I will remember why I was with him and see that its possible that person is still there.
Welcome hope
Sorry to read your story....I'm the addict in my marraige. So not the best to advise....just thought id greet you : )
Someone from family and friends will be along soon with advise...
Good luck
Hi Nicole... I am the mom of a CG so a little bit different but same feelings of anger and hurt. I am sure your world has been turned upside down. As I am sure other spouses will/have told you getting the finances protected is your first priority. After that I would suggest some deep breaths and giving yourself some space to figure the path you want to travel. Research this addiction, offload on here and definitely get to a Gam-Anon meeting.
There is so much support available for you... you don't need to go it alone 🙂
Cathyx
How did you get on at the meeting?
Hi CW
Mixed feelings, from it was amazing to vent and talk to people who truely understand. To what are these 12 steps and why do they suggest I have done something wrong and need to improve.
I seemed to be in a minority as most people are firmly standing by their loved ones and I am like..... do I really want to do this for the rest of my life, can I, for my own sanity, or do I walk away. Thats got nothing to do with love, thats got everthing to do with self preservation. I guess a lot of it depends what other stuff you have going on in your life and how may other people are dumping on you.... If its the only major think you have going on and you have the brain and emotional capacity to deal with it, then I guess its easier than if you have several similar large things going on. Thats where I find myself.
To be honest, I am exhaused, cried a lot, walked out, went back, vented, felt supported. Cried through the night. Feel like I am entering acceptance. Can I move forward, well just like the CG, I have to take it one day at a time.
Thank you so much for asking.
Hi Nicole
Sorry you're going through this, but glad you've found places here and at GamAnon where you can be supported.
Just in case you're using your real name as your username, I just wanted to remind you this is a public forum, and let you know about our guidelines for sharing personal information. It's up to you how much you want to share, just want to make sure you're making an informed decision.
http://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/uploading-photos-and-personal-information
Best wishes
Forum Admin
Hi
Thank you. No its more my desire than a surname.
Thanks for giving us the space to share and vent.
Hi, Nicole,
A few thoughts: the problem brewed over a long time, the whole recovery is long term, hence the suggestion to keep with GamAnon and whatever else you're doing long term and to expect results long term. Nothing fixes quickly, there are no blue pills.
Your recovery is about you, not the gambler or Other People. I'm not convinced that more people stay than break up, I always thought it was the other way round but gambling and the accompanying addict behaviour jeopardises relationships and we each have to make our own respective decision about whether to stay. The point of support and information is so that we can each make the best decision when we're ready to make it, rather than trying to see through the chaos and fog generated by the gambler.
re our role in the gambling: we absolutely don't cause it in the way that the active gambler would manipulate us into believing. It isn't what we said or did or didn't say or do, what we spent, what we did or didn't do in the relationship, it isn't that we are somehow all wrong. But our reactions and responses might perpetuate the gambling rather than inhibit it. The obvious example is to repeatedly bail out but it could be anything we do with the best of intentions -to rescue, clear up the mess, to tolerate the intolerable, generally to protect the gambler from the discomfort and the consequences of their gambling. GamAnon meetings sometimes look at this aspect but it is v uncomfortable.
Take care,
CW
Thank you ladies, very useful and helpful stuff.
I self medicated last night with wine and a friends ear, that helped a lot. I have had a chillind day so far today, again thats helping as the last two weeks have been a rollercoaster.
My OH is under no illusion as to how I feel and how serious this is in terms of jeopardising our relationship. Its hanging by a thread. We have yet to do some more serious talking but the strategies are in place and financially I am secure.
I think I have been through, shock, disbalief, anger and am moving slowly into acceptance. This is horrible and i need more time to process it. The fact its for life is horrible and boring and frustrating.
Yes maybe the meetings will help but maybe they wont, I will probably attend a few more time to see but I do like the idea of reading as much as possible and this web site is a gd send!
OK, back to see the one with his tail between his legs, where it should firmly be right now!
Have a nice evening ladies.
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