no way out and no hope

you're not alone

i've been there, many of us here have and know the desperation and the lonliness, i particularly relate to the feeling like you cant even get ready and go out the front door.

good thing number one, you are talking to family, this isnt a secret

good thing number two, you're talking here

phone gam care, come to a gamanon meeting, there's help if you can talk, and you can, so keep doing it, it wont feel like this forever

you are not alone

Thank you I just feel like I need to be pro active .. I know talking helps and having suffers with depression after a bereavement I totally advocate this but I just feel despair at the reality still amounting to the same bleak conclusion... We have no money my mum who has help us out financially in the past has said she can no longer help and I completley understand the sentiment of her reasoning but still bills have to be paid still good needs to bought still life goes on ... And I just feel like I am at the bottom of this mountain awaiting a massive Avalanche ... Anticipating it and scrambling madly to advert disaster for us and the kids as I know if the "proverbial" hits the fan I won't get back up and o can't bear that for our relationship and our family ... I am simply not strong enough ... And I want to protect my children so much ... How others deal with this especially finacially wise?? Is there any help advice you can give??

try calling stepchange, theyre a free debt management service, really helpful for us, very reassuring, i know it seems huge, but money can be managed, if youre feeling proactive thats brilliant, give them a call and get moving with protecting yourself

and keep talking

Hi ickiv83

My circumstances are different to yours in the fact that its my son who gambles but every other aspect is the same as yours. His behaviour was the same as most gamblers and he schocked me just how bad his behaviour got, he lied, stole manipulated us and was truely vile to us, Im still shocked by some of the things he said and did.

Eventually it got to the point where he was told to leave we could not live with him anymore, I worried I was going to lose my sanity, I was in dark place.

Jump forward to now, after a couple of false starts for the first time in a very long time I feel cautious but optimistic. After the last false start we told him he cant home until he is actually getting counselling and can prove it. We have met up a few times for a coffee and just spend some time together and the change in him is amazing, hes polite, kind and is very much like the sweet young man he was before gambling got a hold. He has started counselling and has proved it, hes taking interest in his appearance again, hes eating healthily and even smiles at me sometimes and says please and thank you, all simple things that have been missing for a very long time.

Of course I know it could all be part of manipulation but I really dont think it is, we say what is acceptable and what isnt and hes agreed to it all. He wont be coming back home for a while, its baby steps at the moment and we're all ok with that. I cant wait to see him again.

I was in the same place as you, felt totally overwhelmed by it all couldnt think what to do next and thats when I decided to come to this forum. It was the start of things getting better, no it didnt change my son or the situation but it gave me a chance to tell someone which in itself was a load off my shoulders. Pangolin was one of the first people to speak to me, a very wise lady like the many who gave me that shoulder to cry on that I so needed, I will be forever grateful.

I was encouraged to get counselling for myself and I have, Ive had 4 sessions now andI its been one of the best things Ive ever done. I tell my counsellor absolutely everything, I thought I would shock her but no, shes heard it all before, I wish I did this a long time ago. For me its as important as any other health appointment infact its a total neccesity and I look forward to seeing her. It didnt change my son's gambling or his behaviour and accepting that is very hard, we cannot fix them, they have to want that for themselves. We have been using tough love for a while now and along with my counselling I have the strength to do and say what ever is needed.

My son has a lot of debt and about 6 months ago we spoke to Step Change and a debt management plan was set up, he made one payment to the plan then stopped. I thought that was it he'd lost any chance of their help, not so, theyve agreed to set it up again and its due to start again soon.

I know you feel overwhelmed and dont know where to start, I'll tell what I was advised by all of the very wise people here.

Keep coming to this forum and talking. Call Gamcare. Get yourself some counselling, Gamcare can arrange that for you and its free - highly recommend. Call Step Change, brilliant people. And one thing that has really stood me well was told to me by two people here, Pangolin and Amom - do something nice for myself everyday even a simple thing that costs very little or nothing, a bubble bath, a cup of hot chocolate, what ever it is that makes you feel good, it helps. For me its sitting with my feet up with a big frothy coffee listening to my favourite music, simple I know and you'll probably think how on earth will that help but it does.

As I said we cant change the gamblers they have to get to that point on their own, but we can and must help ourselves. It eases the chaos and madness and gives us some control and peace back to our lives. 🙂

Hi all, I am an addicted gambler married with two kids. I came clean to my wife about 4 years ago, and stayed 3 years clean. Then about a year ago, and I cannot rememeber why or where it was I gambled again. I did not tell my wife this time and I have gambled again for the last year, i have now off my own back stopped again and I am 34 days clean. What i am trying to tell you is, this illness is very hard to control, and can only be controlled if the person with the illness wants it to stop. Going with them to try and help them control it, does not work. But this is what every gambler wants, as it then makes it ok to gamble. Gambling is not a way of paying debts and bills, its only a way to create tem, very quickly. My advice is make them come clean, then you take full control of their finances. Self exclude from every nearby bookies, online accounts etc, in no time at all the finances will start to get better, and you will all be happier. If they do not agree to do these things they are not ready to quit gambling, my advice would be to not hang around to deal with the bailifs etc. Feel free to read my blog on recovery diarys section davebs26. Good luck and i wish you well.

Thanks for the wise words.. It just makes me feel less alone I am just really struggling financially it's the every expenses bills that can't be deferred of payment of stretched out like rent food I literally will be a zero again after this week pay.. Kids still need feeding... rent in arrears. Dinner money and car payment due (only leased as had no money to buy) and partner needs a car to work as he works as a sub contractor on a self-employed basis so if he doesn't work he doesn't get paid and that includes holiday and sickness.. I have started On the road to debt management but I fear for these issues ie food and a roof above our head

debt management is about securing the food on the table and the roof over your head, these are the priorities, then stepchange or whoever manages the debt with whats left, if there is no money after food and rent, then nominal £1 a month type agreements can be made to last until everyone is back on their feet, take the help, when you have that pressure off then you can deal with the future

the money can be managed and it doesnt all have to be up to you, these charities are on your side

keep talking