Not getting any easier....

Hi Katiecola

As a CG, I led a double life, as do most gamblers. If we are married, we have a wife and a mistress. The mistress being gambling. We do not ever want the wife to find out about the mistress because we love her so much. Love then turns to guilt and then self loathing for we eventually come to realise that we are ruining our lives, our future, and quite often the future of our loved ones. To get out of the mess, the CG often feels that he has only one avenue, the BIG win. We continue with this fairy tale until ultimately reality catches up with us.

I think that unless you too are an addict to gambling you will never understand why we do it. Just as I, as a CG in recovery can never fully appreciate the emotional turmoil that the loved ones of the CG go thru.

I think that at the moment he has given in to what he sees as the hopelessness of his situation. He sees no way out. Until he seeks out the help he needs, nothing will change. Counselling sessions or GA can help him if he wants to get help.

re your Gamanon meetings, if you feel that you aren't getting anything out of that particular meeting, is there another one nearby that you can get to? Just like a counsellor, meetings vary. I have tried 4 GA meetings in my area. I am in the one I am most comfortable with. I have developed a great support network with 3 people in particular.

You wrote.........."I can't live my life with a CG, I have tried but I can't personally have a relationship without trust." This is one of the greatest hurdles a recovering CG has to try to overcome. Only by doing the right thing, being honest and open with family, and given time, will this trust be restored. The trust will never be restored to the pre gambling days however. Anybody who fully trusts an ex-gambler is being very foolish.

Take care

It's funny you should say about the mistress-before I knew, I actually asked my husband if he was having an affair- the secrecy surrounding his phone made me suspicious! Little did I know that he was using it to place his bets everyday. But he has ruined my future and used money that could have been for our girls future. The injustice of it all really gets to me. But in the same way that they say people wouldn't start an affair if they were happy at home, can this be applied to a gambling addiction? If he was happy with me, would he have needed this escape? I can see the process as you explain it and it does ring true but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

I was reading on another post about CG needing to change their environment in order to recover. Well maybe I have driven him to it-neither of us have been happy for a while- but when the truth came out I thought- that was probably why things were so bad. But now we have all this to deal with too. So maybe he does need to leave but god knows how we can afford to split up. Maybe being apart from me will be the making of him. Makes me cry thinking that. Thanks for your post

o*g- I need a rant! Just asked my husband to show me the credit cards online like we agreed weeks ago. He will only show me on his phone and the balances. Not the recent transactions like we agreed. I calmly asked to see it and he immediately gets narky with me. Shaking his head getting all annoyed. How bloody dare he? I'm just asking for a bit of peace of mind. This is exactly why I can't move on. Every step to overcome this is thwarted by his attitude. So obviously he is still gambling or why not show me? Why get so annoyed with me for asking what we had agreed? And now he has walked out so I can't even have it out with him. I'm so angry. Can't take much more of this. He's not sorry. It he was he would be helping me, not putting me through this hell.

Hi Katiecola

You are not to blame in any way for his addiction. CG's are 'wired' a bit differently to the average person. The addiction is all-consuming, and unfortunately, family will always come second. Don't try and second guess yourself ie: "maybe if I didn't do this, or why didn't I notice" etc. We, as CG's hide our problem very well. It is not uncommon for a spouse of a CG to live with their partner for twenty years or more without knowing of his/her gambling problems.

re him not showing recent transactions. I think that you are right, and that he is probably gambling. He gets annoyed because he is upset with himself, and then he takes it out on you because he feels cornered. He doesn't like himself at all at the moment, and he will probably (like me) feel it is belittling to have someone check on his finances. However belittling it may feel to him. it is a very necessary step. Most gamblers go thru this process of handing over control of their finances to another person.

Just a note on one of your earlier posts where you wonder how you would survive, ie pay bills etc. without the wage that he brings in. If he continues to gamble, financially you will definitely be worse off irregardless if he still brings home a pay packet. At some stage in the not too distant future, the debt will become too much. He needs to address this problem now before it's too late.

If he is not willing to help himself by seeing a counselor and/or attending GA meetings, then the outcome for him is bleak. He knows he has a problem and the fact is that he is the only person that can fix it. He has to want to help himself.

For your own benefit I would suggest talking to a counsellor. I would also suggest that you gather support from family and friends. We are always here as well, and welcome you anytime you feel that you need to have a "rant" 🙂

Best wishes

HI Katiecola, you have been in my thoughts so much. Wal1957 has just said all the things I wanted to.

We dont suggest counselling because you need "fixing", its because you have been bearing an awful burden alone and it IS too much for anyone to take.

The thing that sticks in my my mind is your feeling that he has ruined your future. This is something that I think counseling will help with, it takes time and gentleness to find your feet again and to know that you control your future, not him. You arent going to let him. Your future isnt ruined, it just is not what you expected, or what you wanted and there is a process of adjusting to that loss, very much like grief, and thats nothing to do with your gambler, thats all about you. Using the counselling service for supporting you, helping you through, kindness and gentleness for you.

There is no recovering the future you expected to have, it has gone, let yourself grieve for that and start to create the conditions for a new future to grow. Your future is yours and no one elses.

I can see some of my advice hasn't helped, but I keep thinking about your situation often, so do keep talking, I havent forgotten how painful this is.

Oh please don't think your advise is not helping!! I am so grateful to everyone here. I've said it before- this place is my addiction! I get so much support and help from it. I am truly greatful so please continue to advise me!

What you say about my future is so true. It is not going to be the one I'd planned but it is mine.

I think I know deep down what needs to happen. I just don't want to accept it or live through it. But am stronger I think and I can hack it. I really believe he needs to go for his own health. We just continue the vicious circle of him doing nothing, me getting frustrated and more resentful, him feeling even worse about himself etc.

I just struggle with coming to terms with it all. Thanks again to everyone.

It is so very hard, but every one I have known, in hard times, finds reserves of strength that were previosuly unimaginable.

Do things ta your own pace, sometimes you will move fast, other times it will seem slow, but I really believe that the times when we move slowly we are doing it for a reason, that something is falling into place that we wont see until later.

The main thing is that a CG is not running your life. They have no capapcity for making anyone, even themselves happy, they cant be allowed control of others.

You will get through it.

Hi Katiecola, I know it's all been said already but I just wanted to fly by with some support! I can't imagine how stressful this must be for you trying to keep it all together & I'm not remotely surprised you are angry! This is no way your fault & I am impressed with the sustained effort you are putting in with him! I am a CG so I can 'sympathise' with him but I know I wouldn't have your strength if the boot was on the other foot! I get that it's not just about the money & the lies, you have a family to think about & your man is in there somewhere but he has had unwavering support for some time now & he's still letting you down! I am going to sound harsh but it feels to me like you are still driving everything & only getting empty promises in return! I would hazard a guess that he was missing sessions because he doesn't want to quit & until he is ready to man up & deal with this, you are just papering over the cracks! Never mind him showing you the statements, you should have full access to view his accounts @ any time if he's really serious! I really wish it didn't sound like relationship advice but it does & I'm sorry for that side of this but I make no apologies for telling you that you must do everything you can to protect you & your family. As Mr Stop says, this is a progressive disease & sooner or later, the debt will be higher than the incomings & then you really won't be able to manage!

You will find a way through this, I just hope it's soon! Keep looking after you - ODAAT

Thanks again everyone. I don't know if I've mentioned this but my youngest daughter is taking her GCSE's in June so I'm trying to cling on till after she has finished. I couldn't break up her family at this stressful time. I know I'm doing all the work, putting all the effort in. I know he should be completely transparent with the finances. I know he is probably placing a bet right now. I can't change him, I can only change my future. Trouble is I keep wanting to put my faith in him but I know I shouldn't. He is so far removed from the man I married but I keep thinking I can change him back but I know only he can do that too. It's hard because I feel like I'm giving up on him if I call time on our marriage. But I guess he took that risk with every bet he placed.

Hi Katiecola

The man you married is still there. At the moment tho, he is lost to the world of gambling. Just like a little boy who has just found the best toy ever, that is all he wants.

Emotionally draining as this is for you, you have to try and think with your brain, your heart might steer you in the wrong direction. Because you love him, you have/are trying to steer him in the right direction. Your feelings for him will not be able to fix his problem however. He is the only one who can do that. If, and /or when he is ready to get the help he needs, and if he is lucky enough that you are still with him, then you will be able to support him in his recovery.

Best wishes

It's awful reading wot our addiction has done to our loved ones. The one thing that jumps out of your posts tho is that u simply CAN'T forgive him. I hope counsellin Can help you with this. I'm a female gambler struggling badly to correct my wrongs. My other half can't forgive me either and without making excuses for us it simply makes the problem worse. I feel I'm being punished verbally constantly and while most.gamblers have self esteem issues being constantly reminded of our mistakes just makes things worse. I hate to.say but if u truly can't forgive him u need to walk away for both of.your sakes. The key to recovery is happiness and u will not find this without forgiveness. I wish u well and hope u can get through this x

Hi

well as you say it is awful what your actions do to the loved ones. I'm glad you are trying to correct your wrongs. My husband isn't. He is putting up every barrier to put this right. He won't even fully hand over the finances. That is why I can't forgive him. I have got to the stage where I would love HIM to walk away. But if he does my daughters would be heart broken - one would probably want to go with him. So it's not as easy as walking away. My life has been shattered by the one person I thought I could trust. I would like to put my happiness first for a change but when you have children it's not that simple.

Hi katiecola,

I was in the same position where my husband was in self destruct mode and wouldn't agree to get any help this is why I was such a mess. Now he's agreeing to see someone again, im willing to try again as you would be im sure. It's so hard because they hold your future in their hands. I don't and never will trust him again, I'd be foolish to. I hope your husband sees some sort of light at the end of the tunnel but I know how frustrating and angering it is when they seem to not care and just carry on. I may find myself back to square one in the near future but ill know I did the right thing supporting him for the here and now, if he fails he knows under any circumstances he has to leave. I really do feel for you, did you get a 1-1 councillor??

Gem.

He needs to want to stop for this to work and recognise he has a major problem. I also have kids so I know it isn't easy to walk away or to even split. I honestly think I would have a better chance of recovery if he did walk away. I don't have the money to leave him, but our relationship is not healthy for any of us and esp the kids. They aren't daft and our arguments and attitude with each other wears off on them.
I wasn't defending your other half btw and he has no right to forgiveness, but having gone through this myself, unless u both address this horrible illness for the addiction that it is, it will never work. Ur other half is still in there somewhere. The person u fell in love with. I just hope u can both find him and it's not too late x

Jw1976, I'm not gonna lie, your post really upset me when I read it first thing this morning. You see I read this forum all the time. Not my husband who has caused the devastation- me. I do know he needs to want to stop because I read so much about gambling. Again me- not him. Have you told your partner that your recovery would be easier if he left? Because I have asked my husband that very question. But you see I am trapped much as you may feel because I will struggle to pay for everything by myself but I didn't put my family in tens of thousands pounds of debt. I am doing everything I can think of to keep my family together. Was he thinking of us whilst getting us deeper in debt? I think not.

I rarely see glimpses of the man I fell in love with. However he seems to manage to cope perfectly well in company. He switches on the charm but can't do that for his own family.

You are obviously addressing your problem. If my husband were to show any effort I would have a chance to move forward. Believe me I know he holds all the cards but I can't reach him. If I try to engage in conversation he just shuts down. He is hiding in the bedroom right now. Anything to avoid facing up to me. My girls and I deserve better. But stupidly I can't give up on him. I have cut my own 1 to 1 counselling sessions short so we can proceed with couple counselling!

I also know my children are suffering terribly. I know our relationship isn't heathy- I haven't slept properly for months.They see their mum crying way more than they should. But as I say my youngest is about to take exams so I'm not prepared to take the risk of chucking him out 2 months before they start.

Hi gem, I'm so pleased that your husband is taking positive action. You have been through so much and I'm sure he knows he's very lucky to have you. I have everything crossed for you both. I hope I will be in your position some time soon before I crack up! Wishing you all the best.

Kate x