Not getting any easier....

Hi Katiecola

I am a CG in recovery

Having been a gambler, as much as I feel I have an understanding of things from your position, I don't. This is one of those situations where you have to have lived the nightmare to truly understand it, especially on the emotional level.

I would recommend Gamanon meetings. They have been/are in your position. Talk with people who truly understand what your going thru and how you feel about it. They will be able to provide you much needed support.

Best wishes

GAm anon can help.

You aren't expected to forgive on order to join, dont worry. We havent all forgiven, we dont have some zen like state of being.

It's hard to find people who actually understand what this sort pf betrayal feels like. Talking helps.

Gam anon is not ofr the benefit of gamblers, it's for the people who have been and are being taken to their wits end by a gambler. It's so hard when people first join, for them to talk about anything other than the progress of their gambler, good or bad, but after a while we do start tp talk about ourselves, our feelings, our hopes, what we can and cant accept.

It's about us ;earning to be happy again, after years of manipulation. i found it hard to know my own mind and gam anon has helped me get back in touch with what i think. Mr P is quite irrelevant in the meetings now. It's all about me.

It's helping me.

The thing is I've been to 3 meetings but they actually make me feel more isolated. All their loved ones are in some stage of recovery and are attending GA. Mine isn't. They are all leading 'normal' lives whilst I'm in a living hell. They laugh and joke when I just wanna cry. If I say that I can't get past what he's done to our family, they all scream- it's an addiction. Like that's some sort of excuse. He has stolen my future, hopes and trust. Just because it's an addiction doesn't mean that is okay then. I don't belong there.

Hi katiecola,

Have you thought about 1-1 councilling? I've just had my first session and it was great getting it all out. I feel the huge resentment that you do too, I have no idea when this will ever go away and I wish the anger would subside. Even when hes being nice i hate him, its a horrible thing to feel but they did this to us. It's not our fault, all we can control is how much of it we are willing to take. I'm taking a step back from him now so when he chooses to be selfish it won't affect me and my children as much. I know it will hurt and ill miss him when he's gone but if nothing changes we'll be stuck in the same cycle forever and it's not healthy. My husband won't get help either so I got a councillor for myself and im going onwards and upwards. Its a hard slog and sometimes I wonder if taking him back would just be easier but when I think of all the things he's put me through I tell myself to carry on. I get up, get dressed and thank god for my kids everyday and im taking it one step at a time. Keep using this forum too it's so helpful to get it all out.

Good luck xx

Hi Gemlou

ive been reading your posts. Sounds like a nightmare. I do counselling and it's good to rant but it actually doesn't help me move forward. I have tried to concentrate on me and my girls but I can't stop his behaviour effecting me. If I could be a robot I would but I can't. His moods effect me. I can't switch off. My husband is still at home but on the sofa. We don't really have a relationship. We share a house. It's no way to live but if he goes I'll really struggle to pay the bills even though I work full time. It's just horrible.

My husband is on the sofa at the moment too and I never know what mood he's going to wake up in. It really is a living hell and im always so anxious because you never know what's going to happen next. I wish I could be a robot too, having no emotion would be bliss, if just for a night to get some sleep! I have days where I can't function and I really have to push myself for the kids sake. I'm stuck and I don't know what direction to go, the only thing that helps is not to think of the long term, im just doing what needs to be done here and now. Some days are so long and it's even longer when you feel alone especially after being with someone for so long. It hurts that we can't laugh and joke and watch films and just simply be in love like we used to. I really do feel what you feel and I may seem like I've got it together at times but inside im just in pieces xx

I'm stuck too. I am guilty of looking ahead. My husband is always telling me he'll leave me but I don't know how he thinks he can afford to. I'm scared to be on my own but that's no reason to cling to a damaged relationship. We have been married for 20 years. I can't sleep either!

Hang on in there and take each day as it comes. Chatting on here really helps. X

I was always so scared to be alone and probably still am a little bit but I can do it, I know I can and we're never going to be alone we have our beautiful kids 🙂 I just keep telling myself that nothing lasts forever. Stand up for yourself a little and when he says he's leaving call his bluff, you need to shock him into taking action. You are worth so much more than being treat like this.

Good luck and we're all here for you xx

Hi katiecola and Gemlou, reading your posts &I can identify, I know every feeling and thought you are going through, I guess my situation is a bit different but long story short we have now been apart for three weeks. I was terrified to be without him, didn't think I would cope, even despite his addiction and his heartbreaking behaviour towards me over the last few months I still wanted to be with him and support him through it all, the thing is though he wouldn't accept my support, I was fighting for our relationship single handedly and that was never going to work. It won't work if you're the only person making any effort to do so. My now ex-partner attends GA and seems to be making progress however the realisation came for me that the addiction is always going to come first. I'm not first in his priorities anymore and wouldn't have been for a long time. And I deserve so much better than that, as do you. I would have moved heaven and earth for him to get him through this. I didn't listen to people when they told me to leave and rebuild my life, said I was still in love with him, thing is tho I was in love with the man who he was before this awful addiction took him away from me.... Not who he has been for the last three months, I have no idea who that man is. The last three weeks without him have been very up and down, but I feel like a weight has been lifted in a way too... No longer constantly worrying about where he is and what he's doing and who he's with, what mood he's going to be in this time, thinking about what I say to him and how I say so as not to rock the boat.... I couldn't see it when I was in it but now that I'm out I'm glad. As much as I wanted to help him and part of me still does, he HAS to do that for himself. Being single again isn't anywhere near as scary as I thought it was either. In fact I've found that really I did most of the things around the house etc anyway... He wasn't able to as the gambling and his low self esteem and lack of motivation stopped him.... It is initially terrifying but I'm surviving and as painful as it is in those dark moments, I find myself smiling again.... That horrible worry feeling inside my chest and tummy is so much less frequent now, he is no longer my responsibility. I still love him and always will and hope with all my heart he can find himself and his happiness and his way back to me one day but for now I'm living for me, and I deserve so much better than what I had been settling for. I'm not telling you to leave your partners, that didn't help me when people said it to me, I just want you to know that now from the other side things become a lot clearer. I wish you both all the best whatever happens, remember u are so much stronger and braver than you think, look what s**t you've been through so far and are still here!!!! Take care xxx

Thanks for your post SL90. It gives me some hope that there is life beyond this mess without the CG!

Its exactly as you say- I am the only one fighting for us. He has given up. I don't insist that he sleeps on the sofa- he chooses to. He doesn't make any effort. I'm always saying to him- why are you not fighting for us? He doesn't have the drive or energy to. Says he loves me but wants to leave. How does that work? I know my life would be calmer without him. As you say I wouldn't have that anxious feeling in my tummy. But financially I just don't know how we could live apart. A third of his wage goes to paying off debt. After payments, bills, mortgage he is left with nothing really. I will never afford it all myself. I'm trapped because even though I work full time I would really struggle to manage on my wage alone. I have been to citizens advise but I wouldn't get much help cos I have a job!

Im really glad you are doing well. It's really good to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thanks again for posting.

Good for you SL90, im glad you are finding your happiness 🙂

I think if my husband actually left and gave me space this would be a little easier. I've woken up this morning and I can't bear to even look at him, my mood swings with him are irrational at times. It's hard to watch him just lay there without a care in the world and watch me get the kids ready for school etc because he can't be bothered. He won't help me unless I have a go at him then it just ends in arguments, he knows this and it's probably what he wanted. I've told him to leave me alone for today. I really feel for you katiecola because the trapped feeling is the worst. Just think about you and don't play upto any games or tantrums he has. This is what I've started doing and he snaps out of it a little faster than usual because he knows he's not going to get anywhere. I was the only person willing to try also and now I've given up there isn't a relationship left. I know deep down I can't live my life with a CG, I have tried but I can't personally have a relationship without trust. I don't want to have to be someone's carer or paranoid all the time. My councillor asked if she had a magic wand and could take his gambling away would things be ok and I don't honestly think it would. He's a different person now, not the person I fell in love with. Take today as it comes 🙂 xx

It's not the gambling or the money for me, it was all those lies, all that being to exhauseted and depressed to do anything because he'd made such a mess of something i didnt even know about because he was lying so much. Mr P lived in a fantasy world where "next year we'll be millionaires" as Del BOy would say, then every time he lost he'd be in a rage about it because he was back down to earth with a horrible bump and i'd be on the thick end of it. And i didnt even know what had happened.

Totally impossible, i agree.

Katiecola wrote:

The thing is I've been to 3 meetings but they actually make me feel more isolated. All their loved ones are in some stage of recovery and are attending GA. Mine isn't. They are all leading 'normal' lives whilst I'm in a living hell. They laugh and joke when I just wanna cry. If I say that I can't get past what he's done to our family, they all scream- it's an addiction. Like that's some sort of excuse. He has stolen my future, hopes and trust. Just because it's an addiction doesn't mean that is okay then. I don't belong there.

Having an addiction isn't an excuse but it is a reason

Can I help being an addict? No i can't BUT I can take responsibility for my illness

That's why I go to meetings, you often see me on the chat on gamcare, im a lot more honest in my relationships but it isn't an instant solution

I'm glad your sharing here. It helps me no end as a reminder of where this addiction can take me and those I love.

Thanks for everyone's comments. You have all given me plenty to think about. I really appreciate the advise. I do try to understand the addiction but I just can't understand why I wasn't told the first time round 7 years ago. It's just too much to accept. I'm not that forgiving obviously. I hate the weekends. I hate seeing him crack open another beer huffing and puffing whilst I'm running round sorting everything like he is right now.