Partner has started slipping again

@b_stelar

Thank you for sharing your experience here on the GamCare Forum and I'm really glad you have reached out for support.

Along with the Forum, we have Advisers available 24/7 to help you through this. You can contact an Adviser by calling our Helpline on 0800 8020 133 or using our LiveChat option. We can talk everything through and look at all of the support available to you.

Please continue to use the Forum where you will find connections, support and understanding.

All the best,

Fay

Forum Admin

Honey, I hate being blunt but do what I couldn't do, get out!

My partner has destroyed my trust, we're in £20,000 worth of debt and he still doesn't think he has a problem. I hate living day to day, counting every penny... Its ruined a good chunk of our relationship. I'm in counselling to try and help myself get over it because we have a beautiful baby girl together but honestly if I could go back, I'd walk.

I've never been so stressed, so unsure, so on edge ever in my life.

Love him by all means, but until he WANTS to get help, you can't do anything.

Good luck ? 

Hello @B_Stelar

You've had a few more days since your post and I wondered how it was going?  There are plenty of people on here who have done what he has done (is doing) or who have witnessed it and you have my deepest sympathy. That said, sympathy doesn't get you (or your partner) anywhere in solving the problem and I apologise if I'm a little frank or even harsh in my advice. 

Gamblers love to gamble and its really difficult taking that first step and admitting that its a problem and actually doing something about it. Its ironic how many 'its not a problem' gamblers can't seem to stop (or say they don't want to or don't have to stop) - if it isn't a problem you could/would stop immediately.

He has a problem. You know that but he's not accepting it...yet....because he's in denial. It will cause more and more misery and pain in your lives and it will ruin and ultimately end your relationship unless something changes. He will lie and deceive you as that is what gamblers do to get an opportunity to gamble; its horrible and utterly demoralising.

>You are probably away that its very simple to:

>have a mobile phone blocked from gambling

>debit cards can be block from gambling

>self-exclude from bookmakers

>self-exclude from all on-line gambling

I've done all these things in the past yet still somehow managed to slip back at times - its not easy! I have been that person you describe in your post, I have done those things. I have deceived and lied, so I know exactly what I'm talking about and what his behaviour is like.

From my experience, its no good doing some of these things and not all of them as he will start gambling again. Its not easy but I found the best way forward, the only way that worked, was when my partner sat with me and we followed every step to stop the gambling. On that occasion she didn't throw it in my face or call me or hurl insults or blame, we went through her research of what must be done and we did it ALL. GamCare can advise you and him but I wasn't sure I wanted to face the shame and humiliation of my behaviour but they do work - the difficult bit is getting him to take that step.  Seek GamCare advice yourself and take it from there...

If you tell him that you have been snooping he will blame you, he will call you names, he will deflect his problem and turn it around so it you who is the guilty party. Be careful about what you say you've done behind his back with his finances. This is horrible behaviour but its what gamblers do - its a fact.

Try and take some time when its quiet and sit and say you want to help, not to criticise, and perhaps he might be at the stage where he will take that step.  I found that first step was like a mountain yet, once I started to follow the advice (and it wasn't easy to cut all gambling opportunities off) it was a massive cloud off my shoulders - huge!! You must keep talking as he will find it difficult to stick with it but a change of routine helps around the times when he would normally be gambling - I know it sounds naff but I joined a couple of clubs and it definitely worked, and he should read some of the stories on here if you can persuade him to.

You don't say how old you both are but I'd guess in your 20s. He can turn this around but if he doesn't its a miserable lifetime ahead and you are better off out of it so I hope you haven't yet got kids with him.

I don't want to end in a negative way but there it is. It can be done and he will be so glad he did.

The very best of luck

Mick

Hi all so I’m struggle at the minute I’m a wife to a gambling addict. So I probably start with my story so me and my husband have been married 6 years nearly 7 and gambling has not always been a problem. In fact it probably started about 3 years  ago. When I found out how bad the situation had got he would promise me that it wouldn’t happen again, but it just kept continuing and the lies just kept coming. The most recent time being this year when he had gambled away all his money he would swore to me that this was the last time that he had really learnt his lesson. I know what you’re probably thinking why do I continue to believe this. Anyway after this most recent time we agreed that he wanted to work on trust and he wanted to rebuild the trust and the only way that this would happen would be for me to monitor his finances, we did this by agreeing that I would check his bank statements on a monthly basis to ensure that he wasn’t continuing to gamble. Anyway this happened and he still continued to put money on bingo sites although it was less, but it has now come to the point where he no longer wants me to see his statements and has basically said that he has stopped but my argument is that if he really had stopped would he not want to show the statements to prove it. Now he’s basically saying that I will drive him back to gambling, I’m controlling, I’m a bully. I just don't know what to do anymore he sees how much this hurts me he sees what this is doing to me but doesn’t seem to care. 

@autism-mum You know what is going on here - he is still gambling and he is still lying to you. Thats what problem gamblers do - when he wants to really stop you can put a free blocker on his mobile - details of how to do this and where to get the blocker free is on this site.  He can also ban himself from all on-line gambling and those two things should be done as a starter.

You should talk to an advisor and I suggest you do this when your husband isn't around. If he doesn't stop you have a hard difficult life ahead of you if you stick with him and he doesn't stop this now.....I wish you the best of luck.

@ibbs2220 

I fully agree with you! 

As a wife of over 40 years who has a husband who was so addicted that he lost homes, a business  and has literally ruined any chance of retirement, I'm leaving this man.  Once a gambler always a potential for it occurring again and that's exactly what happened. 

Recap of our past: He claimed the reason why he is a compulsive gambler is that he was molested as a young teen. Maybe so, maybe no. He  gambled  away hundreds of thousands of dollars and suddenly that was his story (molestation)  and his reason for gambling. Who knows if its true? He sought help, remained in counciling for months and suddenly quite attending his appointments and a few years later he is right back to gambling. This time I lost my business and a second home has been  foreclosed and what little money we have is being ate up  in legal fees. 

He's also a complusive liar. He lies about small things such as not being at the store when he actually was. He lies about major things such as conning family and friends  out of thousands of dollars yet never told me about any of this.

A few weeks ago we stopped at a grocery store. I stayed in the car. Must have been my guardian  angels nugging me because I suddenly had a sneaky feeling  that he was buying lottery tickets. I walked into the store and there he was. He was in front of a lottery  machine buying tickets. I quietly walked up on him and he didn't even jolt when he saw me despite promising he'd  never  buy tickets again? This is how scheming and sly they can be. I am sure he had that pre-planned in his mind if I ever caught him to simply say they were a gift for me. Ha, how does he even begin to think that giving me a gift of lottery  tickets would some how make me happy when he knows that it would make me very sad if he even put a dime in one of those machines? He got caught red handed is what happened but it sickens me that he literally used me --- a "gift" for me --- to cover his own failure to be decent, respected man. 

Morale of the story: Once a gambler then always a potential for them to gamble again. For those who are dealing with am addict: Get out and do not look back. There is a decent chance they will destroy you all over again,  but in my case, the second time is worse.