Hi I'm new here, I've dropped in from time to time but really need advice from some of you with a bit more experience. Hubby is cg. I have financial control and mostly we do ok apart from occasional relapses. He had one a few days ago and we are trying to recover emotionally from that. My first question is what do you do with the anger and hurt? I'm pretty tough but this isn't what I signed up for and I find myself feeling bitter and angry. I know thats not going to help but it doesn't stop me feeling it. On a more practical note I worry occasionally about what would happen if I died, we have a young son. My husband would struggle without me and that would leave our son in a vulnerable position, they love each other dearly but I think without me around the gambling may rule the roost. I'm not planning on falling off my perch just yet but it is something that concerns me.
Thanks in advance, it helps knowing there are others out there, reading the stories is terrifying, sad but generally helpful.
Anger and hurt are quite normal in this situation and you cannot stop feeling emotions, although you can control what to do with these. I can't really advise what to do with these, my own relationship with cg is heading towards splitting up as I'm tired of looking out for him and I do resent him for gambling, in addition to other things too. Gambling was the last straw. Trust is gone as is most of emotional connection at this point and I don't expext he'll change to a different person just now. I am bitter too:)
re children, perhaps others can advise - I know that with insurance etc you can specify who will the money be paid to but then I guess it is a question of who manages it until children are old enough to take over... I also need to sort out a will for myself so this may be another option to look into.
.Hi,
I’m sorry to hear what’s happening but I just wonder if, like me, you’re losing yourself in the bid to look after the gambler and to keep the relationship going? You say that “mostly we’re ok” but your post is not really that of a happy and fulfilled woman. Are you (you, not him or anyone else) really mostly ok? Are your needs being met (because we all have human needs, whether we’re tough or less tough)? And if not, what are you going to do to make your life better? There are no prizes for being a martyr.
The anger and hurt is a valid reaction to what he’s doing and it’s a real signal, an alarm, to say that all is not well. It should be heeded and not suppressed or minimised. That doesn’t mean you should turn into a screaming fishwife, simply that it would be healthier to acknowledge your real problems with living with his addiction.
Dealing with it is about you coping with the situation that you’re in, for which you need help and support. I recommend GamAnon but if they’re unavailable, try CoDA or AlAnon.
re your son, I would choose one or two people upon whom you can rely to be guardians and trustees for him in the event of your death. See a Solicitor to make a Will in your son’s favour and you will probably be advised to write a private letter to be kept with your Will explaining your reasons. It’s not straightforward because your husband could challenge the arrangement that you make, you do need to be fully advised.
Look after yourself.
CW
You say you have financial control, so how does he relapse? where does he get the money form? also is he attendign GA meetings regularly and wokring the 12 steps to tackle his addiction. Your family life is at stake here, you need to have a conversation with you husband and give him an ultimatum. Its you or betting, I know it sounds harsh but accepting these 'occassional replapses' are enabling his addiction. I know if I returned to my bettign ways my releationship is over, and that is a huge help at detering me. As a compulsive gambler I get urges to bet every so often but like anger management I recognise the feeling distract myself with some task until it passes, I let my partner know so she is aware and discuss it at my GA meeting.
The real secret to recovery is honesty, from all sides. Be honest with your husband.
I won't comment on anything else but reference your fear should your husband survive you ?
If it's an asset like your home your worried over then would he be willing to sign it over to you soley ? In which case you could have a solicitor draw up a will whereby you put it in trust for your children in which case he could carry on living there with them or draw a rent from it if it was rented out but wouldn't be able to sell the asset ?
Just a thought ?
Wow thank you all for so much advice and food for thought. I had a busy day yesterday (day out with my Mummy...much deserved!) and so I am hoping to sit down a bit later today to work through all your ideas and get back to you. Part of me feels like I should stop and make fixing this the main focus but of course the reality is that I have to carry on with life working, chores and of course my son. Prioritising is difficult! Thanks again x
Hi I wonder why. I just want to say something, even with financial control cgs can still gamble. Sell possessions, get loans etc. It's not fool proof. Cash and receipts help plus credit reports. GA is where my cg goes and I go to gamanon. It keeps your focus. As for your will there are many options. Also you can't fix him. The only person you can change is you. Anger will eat you up. Action is far better. Let it go and move forward.
"Part of me feels like I should stop and make fixing this the main focus". All partners wish they could fix the situation but the reality is it has to start with your husband. Only he can fix it, you can support him and make plans, take financial control etc but he has to go get help as he is the person who has to go through recovery, you can only really tackle the problem if you really want to quit.
For example when I first had money issues caused by my gambling, my partner found out and the shame of it consumed me so I sought help and councelling. But even with this I did not admit or even realise truely that I was a compulsive gambler and ended up relapsing. Basically I thought I could cut out the times where I lost control adn still do my 'normal' bets at the weekend. When i hit rock bottom it was only then that I was able to seek help by going to my nearest GA meeting which I attend each week, this has really trasnformed my understanding of my addiction and given me the knowledge and the tools to really tackle it.
Hi Nikki56, sorry that you thinking that you are going to split with your cg. Can't blame you!! I wonder if leaving my cg would actually help him as it would force him to be more independent, unfortunately I am pretty certain with out me it would consume him completely. I have never considered insurance and I will look into that, although, at the moment extra monthly payments are probably best avoided! I don't have a will and that needs to be remedied (we don't really have any assets but needs doing regardless!) Best of luck!
Hi Cynical wife, thank you and no I am not a happy and fulfilled woman! I feel that I have lost a lot of my life to this and I am prepared to draw a line under that most of the time but more recently I feel the bitterness creeping in and history starts to replay in my mind. I have seen a counselor in the past however I think from following these posts that Gamanon is the way to go. Sitting in a room full of strangers does not appeal to me at the best of times but I'll have to give it a try. Yes it sounds like I really need to see a solicitor regarding arrangements for our son , the letter idea sounds excellent. In all fairness to my husband I think he would trust my judgement in that respect and maybe we could pick guardians/trustees together. Thank you
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