Revelation

First thing i'm going to ask is if there is a gamanon meeting you can get to, they are a bit sparse, but worth the effort. Its going to answer your question about whether anyone else has been through the same straight away. Yes we have, we have our meetings to help each other through, some of us dealing with recovering gamblers, some with relapsing gamblers, some with gamblers who are in denial about their problem. But there are alot of us.

Your situation is very similar to mine in that i knew, or had my suspicions for a while, it wasnt really the money that bothered me, although it did make things more stressful, it was the lies, relentless lies. I suspected an affair for quite a while, but did wonder who was having an affair with someone who could even organise himself to brush his teeth anymore. So anyway, i turned detective as you have done, Gathered my evidence so i knew my own mind was right and didnt exactly confront, in the big showdown sort of way, but he came home to it all laid out on the table and all i said was "you have a problem, i am willing to help you deal with it if you are ready to deal with it, but i cant let you take me down with you", It didnt go well, he went mental, accused me of all sort of betrayals of trust for opening his post and so on, it was actually some months and several more confrontations before he went into recovery, by which point i had given up on us and let go.

Gamanon helped me to organise my thoughts, i already knew that i loved someone i couldnt trust, but then i met these people who were also living with that and could do it with serenity and humour. You dont have to trust someone to love them, unless you live in a disney film of course, but i dont, so i can reject that. Theres alot to learn, but above all it actually gets you to understand that this is not your fault, you do not deserve this and to continue with it is too much for a person to do alone, support is there.

Me and him are still together, but there are conditions, he goes to GA meetings is the first one. they seem to have got through to him what he has done to us, to me, to the family. I needed him to acknowledge what hed done, I handle all the finances, everything, for my own peace of mind, he has a daily allowance. i am free to question whatever i want, open post. all sorts of things, but thats for the future, its just an example of where someone went next and its not a prescription for you.

Right now, i just want you to know you're not alone, this isnt your fault, you dont deserve to be treated this way.

Keep talking.

Thankyou so much for replying i really appreciate it.

I have to be honest i did for a long time suspect there was a possibility it was a cheating thing. Last year he hadnt been working for almost a year and a friend of mine got him a temporary job in a warehouse to try and get him back out there working. His first wage disappeared and he got emotional and admitted he had gambled it " i want to give you everything so i gambled to try and make more money to make that happen etc etc". I believed it was a one-off but it has gotten over the past 6 months particularly with him now in a full time permanent job that i am still struggling financially paying all of the bills and still borrowing from all over the place to cover living expenses.

He has even gone to the lengths of borrowing from my parents.....which just fills me with so much embarassment and shame and i cannot answer their questions as to why when we both have decent jobs are we always struggling.

We dont have a life, we never leave the house, i barely make it one day to the next and i just keep thinking it will get better but now that i know the truth it's hard to accept. And your right it isnt the money it's the constant lies and ridiculous lies that i am actually ashamed of myself for believing.

What has stung more than me being in enormous debt, not being able to eat let alone get to work some days but that i gave him money a week ago as his child (from a previous relationship) needed x or y and on his statement i can see it going into his account and swiftly spent gambling.

I love this man completely and all i want to do is help him so your message actually gives me a little hope that there is a future there but i need things to change though i am terrified of his reaction.

He does the blame game....the emotional black mail and anger and from reading these forums i know this is a defensive/shame thing to cover up the gambling but i am not sure i am strong enough to handle it. I have covered up our financial problems for so long, always covering for him, bailing him out (i.e. for his child or for him to get to work) i really am in a position where i cant tell my friends/family as do i really want them to know and think badly on him.

Sorry a bit of a brain splurge of thoughts/feelings

spluge away, splurging is where recovery starts

i wrote a long email to my dad, who we owed money to, explaining the problem, and it took him a couple of days to reply, i cried so much waiting for that reply, it is so deeply exmbarrassing at the time, his reply was concerned, he was worried about me, but he didnt give a d**n about the money, just wanted me to be ok, was so appalled that this illness could have brought someone as vibrant and sporty and fun as my husband to such a low point. my dads support has been great, well actually hes no use at all in terms of advice or anything, but hes on my side and i am relieved i told him, that was a big burden lifted.

This is not your fault, dont be ashamed of what he has done to your relationship, start getting some help for yourself. I cant say if he will join you or not, but you will feel better about things when you can eat, it sounds daft to say you might need to show some tough love and refuse his demands for money so you can eat doesnt it, but we've all been there. I have to travel quite far for my gamanon meetings, but thats a necessary expense, not an optional one. Having my hair cut and my makeup bag decent is normal and now a necessity, but i went without those things for a long time once. And i lied about being on wierd diets to hide from colleagues that we couldnt afford food. He is going to have tantrums when you say you know of his failings, let him, he will burn out in the end, stand firm, you know whats going on. there is help for both of you out there.

You dont deserve this, start helping yourself and protecting yourself.

Thankyou so much for your kind words it does really help

I have had a look into the GamAnon meetings though it appears this only covers England and Ireland and sadly not Scotland but i am going to have a look around for alternatives as i think an outlet is what i will need especially once everything is out in the open.

I guess i have to be prepared for the anger directed at me for opening his mail and bringing this out in the open but i think i have to take your advice in that i am doing this to help him and i know only in that will there be any hope of moving forward. I so hope that he can admit it's a problem and doesnt defensively shut himself off or say im leaving or the million other things i am imagining to avoid dealing with it.

A lot of the time at work i have last minute work to do or a meeting that i have to attend to avoid questions about why i am not going to lunch. I have lost count of the amount of stories i have told why i cant go to this event or that family gathering due to money issues.....his lies have turned me into just as much of a lier which, frustrates me beyond belief.

I will lay out what i know and that he needs help but i have read in other posts that taking control of the finances is a key thing but i am not so sure he would agree or how to even broach this. I know this is a secondary thing to him actually admitting this and accepting help but i have so many worries/thoughts spiralling through my mind at the moment.

I have found the alternative site for Scotland now for GamAnon i am going to look at availability near me

I seem to remember telling people i'd lost my license because somehow that was less embarrassing than saying that he'd sold the car and gambled the money. Messes with your head this stuff doesnt it. But its done now, its in the past, time to look to the future.

You're doing all the right things.

I found his anger easier once i understood that it was part of his illness and that i didnt in any way deserve it, i viewed it as a toddler tantrum, even found myself dealing with it as if it were a toddler, talking to the dog while he ranted, saying "can you hear all that noise? what a load of fibs it all is too".

im not saying any of its going to be easy, but it is easier when you have a group to talk to, when you can hear the different ways people have approached things, and when you can just get things off your chest, so i hope theres a group you can get to.

Thanks again for replying it really is helpful and feels not so lonely i guess

He will be home from work shortly so i am psyching myself up for what is to come but i have to deal with it tonight i cant put it off or it will literally drive me even further in a spiral

all the best, we will be here somewhere with the virtual coffee and biscuits when you need a chat

Hi can I join your chat ladies?

I seem to be in a very similar position. I confronted my husband with his post I had opened. When I calmly asked him about it he actually denied it to my face even though I told him I had the evidence in black and white.I had to repeat myself about 3 times before it sunk in.

Anyway things really haven't moved on for me. I made the discovery mid November and only yesterday did he finally tell me about another massive loan. He is still lying to me and although he has attended some councelling sessions I don't feel he is very comitted. He has cut up his credit cards but point blank refuses to register them online- something I feel I need because I need to see that the money is being used to make minimum payments and not being gambled away. He has no idea of how important it is to me and just keeps saying that he doesn't want me to go through all his history and he can't face it. However I feel he needs to face reality to move forward. I don't think I'm asking much in the circumstances-he has put us into thousands of pounds of debt and fed me such lies for years. I too feel completely stupid for swallowing it all. Just don't know what to do anymore.