Rock bottom

Hi, I suffer from addiction so I am going to give you my thoughts.

It doesn't sound like he realises how much of a problem it is, and it is no excuse to steal from you. He is never going to get better if he doesn't have that self realisation. I don't think he is even ready to recover, sounds like he enjoys it too much, as gambling is a release/escape.

Like it or not, you are enabling his gambling addiction, you need to stop bailing him out. You are trying to be nice, but in the end he is taking advantage.

My father is a terrible gambler and growing up with that in the background affected us greatly. My parents were never able to afford a house, or a great lifestyle as my father stole and lied his way to get money.

In the long term you need to realise your lifestyle will suffer immensely. Do you really want to stay with him, because this stress is the life my mother had when she raised us.

I am being quite cynical, because some people (I am talking about severe addicts like ourselves) do recover. But they are the minority, with many years of work.

Many people can be gamble free for years, then blow up. It is difficult and i do not envy your situation. you can feel like everthing is going well, but people fall off the wagon, and gamblers tend to go overboard as unlike other addictions, access to credit cards and other forms of debt is too easy these days.

I hope you really look out for yourself. You need to think about yourself and whether you want to live like this, or are willing to work with your partner through it.

All the best.

Hi nicola95. The problem is he doesn't need/ have to/ want to stop. You are paying for everything, he doesn't need to. You are enabling him. Why do you think this is a normal healthy relationship? Why do you threaten to leave when you're not going to? If you are living with a gambler who can't afford to gamble they have an addiction. Why would you continue this destructive cycle by funding him? Get help for yourself. Separate all finances, make sure he cannot access your accounts, savings, credit cards. You have to change how you are dealing with this. Don't give a gambler money, don't pay for them, don't bail them out, don't take on their debts. Find a gamanon meeting, call gamcare for counselling. Find out about addiction, enabling and denial. This is not your fault but you are perpetuating the cycle. Compulsive gambling gets progressively worse. Don't ignore it. If he's really sorry and doesn't want to do it again he would hand over his finances and go to GA.

Thank you! I know I’ve not helped him but at the time I’m just thinking of us and how if he’s in money trouble that effects us both.

Addiction is a great manipulator. This is his mess not yours. If you continue it will get worse. Your finances should be separate.

He understands perfectly well that money earmarked for the household has to be replaced if he helps himself to it but he's choosing not to act on it because he knows you are there to pick up the pieces. He won't discuss it rationally because he doesn't want to stop.

Lock down the bank accounts so he can't access them as a matter of urgency. He will happily drain them all the time he can. Don't issue ultimatums unless you're prepared to act on them. Think abut the future you want for yourself. Think hard about what you want need and deserve from him or any partner. An active addict cannot provide it.