Screaming inside!

Hi Sue21

I am a CG. 6 years at Gamblers Anon. I had a bust about 3 years ago, but have been clean since.

The sad truth is that if he wants to gamble, he will. You most likely will not know, just as you didn't know before. We are very good liars. Do not trust him with money.

It is good that he has given you control of the finances. I would hope that he is also looking to attend GA meetings or similar. The support, and encouragement that is available at these meetings is amazing.

I am going to assume that he has told you of all his debts? I had a recent new member at our GA meeting here in Australia tell me "I can't tell the wife everything, she can't know everything". I told him that it is very important to lay everything out now. Only then can you start to address the total financial impact, and most importantly start work on regaining the trust that has been lost between partners.

For yourself, can you attend any Gamanon meetings in your area? These are meetings of family members of the gambler. They can offer you support and information that you will need to help you and your husband.

Failing that, keep coming back here. You will get a wealth of advice and support.

Best wishes

Hi sue 21,

I was in a similar position to you - I discovered the truth about my husbands massive debt- like you all in his name. I also knew nothing- it had been going on for years.

As wal 1957 said some CG do not admit to everything straight away. My husband certainly didn't - the debt figures gradually rose as the weeks past and ended up being over 3 times what he originally told me on day 1. I would really recommend that you do a credit check on him because if he is reluctant to agree alarm bells will ring and you will clearly see every credit card, loan etc in his name. Also you can check it in the future- it shows up future credit card applications. It gives me a little peace of mind that I monitor my husbands payments to see if they are up to date etc.

How are you coping? I know from experience that the lies and feeling like a fool are hard to take. This forum has been great for me just to know that I'm not the only stupid idiot who was has fallen victim to a CG.

I really feel for you as I'm living the nightmare still and I found out last November. On the up side your husband is willing to hand you financial control which is a great first step. Make sure you look after yourself- I would recommend gam anon too.

Thank you both for your advice, some days are better than others and although I do actually know about all debts (his idea to do a credit check). He really is doing everything he can: counselling, self exclusion, cancelled credit cards, gam care chat rooms and a diary. Yet still I feel sick with worry every time he leaves the house. I have this knot of anger in my stomach and I don't think I've slept a full night in two weeks. Going to my first gam anon meeting tonight.

Hi again sue

having just read half life's post, I didn't mean to imply you are stupid. So I apologise for it coming across that way. I feel stupid for not having realised what my husband was doing, for believing his ridiculous lies time after time. That is what I meant. It helps me to know that I'm not the only one in this horrible situation where you can't trust the very person you should be able to.

It sounds to me like your husband is doing everything he can so that is brilliant. And really that's all you can hope for. If funds are limited then it will be difficult for him to continue. I think your meeting tonight will really help and you will see people there who have overcome it and are living a happy life again. It will give you hope to see that you can overcome it together.

Hi Katie,

Please don't think for a minute I took any offence from your message, I didn't think you were implying I am stupid. It's just so good to speak to someone who knows exactly what you're going through.

In some ways we are lucky because he has quite a well paid job so we are able to see a way of paying off these debts but it's a double edged sword because has also given him the opportunity to obtain so much credit!!

To half-life I will be taking on board some of your ideas ie. Transferring his wages etc. I have to admit he is doing everything he possibly can but although I'm trying to be supportive I feel I will never completely trust him again. Off to gam anon now and GA for him so hopefully take some good stuff from that.

One day at a time x

So glad you can get to a gam anon meeting. I was convinced that i had to be able to trust mr P for our relationship to work, but then i realised i dont live in a disney film, so actually it can work and be very loving. I trust in appropriate places, i trust him with my life, but not the bank cards. It works.

Theres nothing you can do, its up to him to control himself, but when you are confident that you are safe as can readsonalbly be expected, you have to let go of wanting the reassurance. As an active gambler, he has lied to you for years, so actually he cant reassure you, no amount of questioning him will satisfy your mind and will only serve to undermine him, so let go of needing to know. Not immediately, no one gets their head around all this stuff on day one, but thats where you're aiming.

You definitely arent alone in going through this experience, the stress is lessened by sharing, the peace is found by letting GA and and gam anon's programmes do their magic on us.

Let us know how you're getting on

Hi sue,

How did you get on at your meetings?