Self-detective: maybe a silly question, need your help

Hi there :)) .

The answer to your question is Yes he most certainly can play with coins and notes in a betting shop , it's probably the better option for us Compulsive gamblers to be honest ,as it leaves no paper trail in it's wake unlike card transactions which would show up on a statement .

I can also assure you that should you have any questions or just want to vent on here then this section is full of family and friends of gamblers who seek some answer or need to make sense of this addiction . 

I'm a compulsive gambler myself although I've not had a bet for a few yrs now I can remember quite clearly the devious lengths I would go to in order to keep my gambling a secret , so beware of what he may or may not be telling you . 

I'm sure f and f's will be along shortly with some good advice but just wanted to let you know that theres plenty of support available for you here should you need it . 

I wish you well .

Alan  

Sorry I just wanted to add that make sure the transactions are from high street betting shops that he could just walk in to ? , It may be that he's betting with them online in which case it would need a card to make a deposit ?  

Take care 

Hi Alan,

Thanks for your answer.

So, sadly, he can.

Then my decision is to leave him...

It breaks my heart but I can't stay in a relationship with broken trust.

Also, when I confronted him about lying tonight (I checked his bank account and found he lied about cash he said he needed for paying his debt was actually for his own use). His answer?

- I should stop blame him

- I am the cone causing this argument

- I should respect his right and should not check his personal account: Yes, I agree if it is in a normal relationship. Yet, in this case with longtime suspicion, how can I trust him easily?

- I am the one who pays his private counselling: I asked (actually begged) him to get counselling. He said, "I will do that not because I am a gambler, but because I want you to be relieved." Can you see some similar pattern?

- When I first discovered, he told me that it was one-off and he would never do it again as he can't be an addict by seeing a disaster that an addict can cause to the family (one of his family members was once a drug addict)

- When he began to raise his voice, I said, "You really misunderstand this situation. This is Not about money. I am asking you why you had to lie to me. I don't mind if you have to spend all your salary. I just want you to be honest." Then he shouted back to me that he doesn't want to understand me whatsoever and I am the one who should stop.

- I just lost words by what he shouted at me and said, "You really don't care me." He said, "Yes, I don't care! Go and live your life! Leave me alone!"

For last 5 years of marriage, I worked really hard to support him. When his business was in a mess, I paid big sum from my salary to cover his business expenses. I was the one who gave my small saving when he desperately wanted to open his business. I was the one who all the time tried to check if he was ok or not (his mood swing is unpredictable), and tried to offer things like nice phone or clothes as a present to cheer him up. 

I really tried so hard for many strange behaviours with a naive belief that it could be only depression (not depression by gambling), or business failure, or just whatever excuse I could find...

However, from deep down of my heart, I knew that something wasn't quite right. I knew that his behaviour became more and more abusive (not physically, thank god, but verbally and emotionally.)

This is a really sad ending of 5 years marriage but... I have to protect myself... I can clearly see that he takes advantage of me and cares nothing of me.

Tomorrow, I will attend my first gamanon meeting. Hope I can find people in my shoes and get emotional support. I am not going to be defeated or defined by this unfortunate situation.

Yes, he also paid money to XX, which is I think online betting site?

Other transactions were to XX, XXs, XX. I don't know if those were for their websites or street shops.

The reason of my suspicion about the days before the recent discovery is... I have known that he spends hundreds pounds for nowhere. He always withdraws £X - X, sometimes £XX but seems (almost certain) not for going restaurant or buying goods or anything clear or visible. Money just disappears.

I rather feel sorry for him...

He has no family here in this country to support him but me.

I may pay for his private counselling for a couple of months even if I leave him...

Hi again , I'm sorry to hear things are this bad for you and of course you really have to put yourself first at the moment and more importantly to protect yourself from further financial damage . 

I came clean with my partner before I was found out but carried on for many years , becoming the master of illusion in hiding my debt's and obviously just how much money and time I was spending gambling . 

A Compulsive gambler in action will do everything he or she can to cover their tracks and as your husband is demonstrating to you , that also includes switching the blame and focus on to you , your wrong because your checking up on him ? . If he feels anything for you or his marriage then the least he would offer is total transparency , ie his bank accounts and credit reports ? . You need to see what damage he has really done so be careful of just what he shows you as it may not be the whole picture . 

I have to be honest that unless a Compulsive gambler wants to stop or to seek help for their addiction they won't , at the moment if your fears are founded then his whole aim will be to go into protective mode , he'll want to limit the damage as much as he can and offer something to you in order to continue gambling when this blows over . 

It could be those transactions are to betting shops or they could be sites also , there also could be cash withdrawls on his accounts so those are worth checking too . 

I really can't comment on your marriage nor on what you decide to do going forward but you attending a gamanon meeting will give you some support and away forward that you clearly need . 

As a former gambler and since being on this site I've gained a huge insight from family and friends of gamblers of the damage we cause and I was always suprised by the fact that it was never about the money but the lies that we tell our loved ones that caused the most heartache.

As I said earlier I'm sure others more equipped will be along to support you soon but please until you know for sure what damage he's caused protect yourself at all costs from him being able to access any funds from you . 

Your the priority now not him , you didn't cause this in any way shape or form , I had a choice if I gambled or not and so does your husband . 

x 

I just saw your post about councilling , Why do you need to sort it out and pay for him ? , It's his mess and he need to make the decision for himself to get up of his backside and sort it out , he could go to GA ? it costs nothing so why waste your money on paying for councilling ? , he needs to own his addiction .. 

And please , don't feel sorry for him , it should be the other way around , family here or not !! 

Thank you very much for great insight about CG, Alan.

Really really appreciated.

You are right, he should seek help by himself.
I think I still can't lose my hope so that still tries to think positively like "If he gets counselling, he may recover soon." which is very likely my illusion.

I am crying now (don't get me wrong, it was not because of you!) because I feel sorry for myself - all those emotional hard work and so much effort... It is not easy to let it go but I must admit the reality.

I am also a migrant, no family here in this country or Euroupe. 12 hours flight away.
I haven't told my family as they will gravely worry me. I feel so lonely and so heartbroken but I have friends I met here and support group like here so I am sure I can overcome.

About my finance, all is taken care of - no joint, no connection or access.

It is always sad to see such damage gambling causes and the biggest thing in even trying to rebuild a relationship after this is trust , if he sought help and by that I mean proper help and did everything he needed to do to ensure you had full access to any information you needed at anytime would you ever fully trust him again ? , that's only something you can decide , do you still love him and is the marriage worth saving ? again these are all questions only you can answer . 

Whatever happens over these coming days or weeks/months has to be all about you , what you want and not him , talk to people find out as much as you can about addiction and the way our mind works and maybe here's a good place to start by reading other peoples stories on the family and friends section as theres a great wealth of knowledge on these pages which may offer you some answers ? . 

As I said I can only offer advice from my side of the gambling fence but have spent long enough on these diary's to know that at the moment you need to take care of you because right now your the priority . 

Many things to think about for this time of night eh ? , it's not going to be easy but although you won't see it for a while things will become clearer as the day's unfold and at some point you will begin to reach a decision on a way forward from this .  x   

After reading many posts on this forum and some internet research, I begin to think that I may be in a codependent relationship as a giver. NBC new's article speaks a lot to me. https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/what-codependency-signs-codependent-relationship-ncna940666

However, according to some other sources, the codependency theory has some controversy? I am not an expert to judge here.

One thing I want to point out is I should not be blamed about this situation. It is his mess by his own choice. I got the impression of accusing the giver from some of old posts.

- I didn't bail out him. I never had to do because I had no idea if he was gambling until last Saturday. If I knew about his gambling or if he asked me to pay his gambling debt, well, that is the end.

- I am giving constantly without getting mutual satisfaction. It has drained me so much but still, I have been able to keep achieving personal goals including career success from outside of this relationship.

- His current debt is from his business (IVA), which he pays on his own.

- Once I found out his gambling, I searched information including this site and printed relevant info like GA 20 questionnaires and contact to GameCare, then left where he could find easily. 

- Paying counselling seems not a really good idea. Especially for myself. However, the first counselling, which is already paid, will happen today. So if he doesn't attend, then I will stop unless professionals including counsellors (mine or his) recommend continuing.

- I am going to get counselling for myself very soon. It feels like years to wait for my first session but fingers crossed I can get a strength.

- Today is Gamanon meeting. I am a bit nervous to be there as I don't know what to expect but, again, fingers crossed.

I believe in myself and my history of overcoming many obstacles for myself. So this time will be recorded one of them.

Hi hope hope, this has nothing to do with whether he loves you or not. Codependent is someone who accepts unhealthy behaviour as normal. Enabling is paying for things when someone doesn't have the money, regardless of whether you know about gambling or not. The gamanon meeting will help you. You may not agree or like things you hear but it is all relevant and support when no one else understands. A compulsive gambler in action will not want to stop, they're waiting and chasing the big win. Depression is all part of it. A gambler will not stop until the money runs out. Giving him presents to cheer him up reinforces the bad behaviour. A gambler will also gamble any way they can, online, in betting shops or with friends and colleagues. If you are going to a gamanon meeting there should be a Gambler's anonymous (GA) meeting too. If you tell your husband that's where you are going he may want to go as well. Unfortunately we play a part in this cycle, admitting our faults and changing our behaviour is just as important. 

Hi Merry go round,

Thank you for your insight.

I admit my mistake even though I didn't know what he was up to. As I know now (although I am quite sure this is not the full picture...), I will learn what boundaries I have to set up and how.

I guess he is an active CG at the moment. So what I do would affect him greatly. I hope that my first gamanon meeting begins to teach/show me more.

I am not sure he is ready for change - this morning, he supposed to see counsellor but he skipped. So, I just guess he is not up to. I will mention GA meeting for this evening to him though.

Hi x

I have been in a similar position myself with my partner (ex partner) not too sure yet which it is yet, and i'm almost a year in. 

All the best x

Posted by: Hope_Hope

After reading many posts on this forum and some internet research, I begin to think that I may be in a codependent relationship as a giver. NBC new's article speaks a lot to me. https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/what-codependency-signs-codependent-relationship-ncna940666

However, according to some other sources, the codependency theory has some controversy? I am not an expert to judge here.

 

One thing I want to point out is I should not be blamed about this situation. It is his mess by his own choice. I got the impression of accusing the giver from some of old posts.

- I didn't bail out him. I never had to do because I had no idea if he was gambling until last Saturday. If I knew about his gambling or if he asked me to pay his gambling debt, well, that is the end.

- I am giving constantly without getting mutual satisfaction. It has drained me so much but still, I have been able to keep achieving personal goals including career success from outside of this relationship.

- His current debt is from his business (IVA), which he pays on his own.

- Once I found out his gambling, I searched information including this site and printed relevant info like GA 20 questionnaires and contact to GameCare, then left where he could find easily. 

- Paying counselling seems not a really good idea. Especially for myself. However, the first counselling, which is already paid, will happen today. So if he doesn't attend, then I will stop unless professionals including counsellors (mine or his) recommend continuing.

- I am going to get counselling for myself very soon. It feels like years to wait for my first session but fingers crossed I can get a strength.

- Today is Gamanon meeting. I am a bit nervous to be there as I don't know what to expect but, again, fingers crossed.

 

I believe in myself and my history of overcoming many obstacles for myself. So this time will be recorded one of them.

 

 

I just replied to your other post. It reminded me of this one. Here, you stare yourself that you should not be blamed for this situation. You knew that 10 days ago, so don’t let that feeling slip. 

You are not to blame.