Hi all, I am new here and I'm looking for some advice. I have a brother who is a CG and we have bailed him out of his debts about 3 times now, but I think my Mum has probably bailed him out more!
At the beginning of the week he picked himself up and checked himself into the hospital saying he felt like he wanted to kill himself. He does have health issues as well, but I actually beleive that his health is made worse by his gambling. Once he was checked into the hospital he then told us he had been gambling again and owed people money.
While he's tucked up in hospital his wife is having to deal with people knocking at her door asking for money.
My question is should we bail him out again? Part of me feels that if we do he's just going to do it again once he's out.....or am I being too cynical?
Any advice would be really appreciated.
Hello Iamfedup
I am sorry to hear that you and your family are experiencing such a difficult time at the moment.
It is a tough decision to make, we try to encourage recovering gamblers to take responsibility for their gambling and recovery process. However I can see this is a very emotional and stressful time. Why dont you call the free helpline 0808 8020 133 and speak to one of our advisers.
There is also our free confidential counselling service where you can discuss this in more depth. http://www.gamcare.org.uk/support-and-counselling/free-counselling
Kind regards
Cade
Forum admin
Hi there - I'm the recovering gambler in my family and I'm sorry to say this but I would say no and I think you have every right to be cynical. Everytime you bail him out he's not learning anything about taking responsibility for the mess he got himself into. I'm fortunate that I never borrowed money off family members I accumulated debts in other ways which I have to take responsibility for and pay back. You clearly care about him as you have helped him three times but I think it's time he starts to realise he can't keep expecting you to bail him out. Best wishes and good luck with whatever you decide, Phil.
Addiction isn't a simple solution and often needs a lot of support and planning in place with a co-ordinated approach. Is he willing to consider counselling via Gamcare or other help like GA?
Thank you Phil. I have been really worryied that I'm being too harsh on him. I know you are right and I just hope I can help my Mum to understand the situation, as all she wants to do is help him financially. I think I need to try and persuade her to get some advice and support.
Hi Triangle he is on a mental health ward at the minute and we have told the doctors that he is gambling and I hope that they get him the help he needs. He is depressed which has either caused his gambling or the gambling has caused the depression, can't quite figure that out.
The gambler will play as long as someone else pays.
It isn't advisable to pay the debts. Partly because the responsibility of making restitution and of clearing up their own mess is the gambler's. Partly because paying the debts doesn't in itself do anything to address the issue of the gambling.
re depression, if it's caused by a medical condition such as a chemical imbalance, there's a medical solution. If it's caused by addiction, the solution is by counselling, GA etc. He might need both.
I would advise you to go to GamAnon meetings or seek counselling so that you can address your own problem: the effect that all this is having on you.
Take care of you.
CW
This post is about making a decision about bailing someone out in the short-term - GA, whatever is another issue later on? Or am I wrong? I still say no and I say that on the basis of the initial post. Just my view as always. If I'd been bailed out I'm sure I would still be on the merry go round. As far as your mum is concerned - there is plenty of advice available and I DO sympathise if he is in hospital for other issues but gambling won't give anything but temporary relief from his health or mental problems if that is the case and believe me as someone with a history of anxiety and panic attacks I know that for a fact which I rarely say. He has to make that decision - no-one can do it for him and I believe you or your mum bailing him out would be a really bad move. I hope this doesn't sound unsupportive - I'm thinking of you not the gambler. When we are in the grips of it we will do anything to get money, lie, cheat, steal etc. He has choices to make and all you can do is support him but you have to think about your own life and your mum's. All the best, Phil.
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