Son's gambling addiction

Hi

Have been in the same situation as you. Until they can admit they have a problem and actually want to recover there is no remorse and no compassion for you I am afraid. They are just blinded by the need and the fear of the other people they are in debt to. It can come to a stop but the trick is to get him to face up to the damage and let you take over his finances (which is not an instant cure but certainly a deterrent). Not easy and very frightening for you. You need to be very hard and refuse to bail him whatever threats. If he says people are coming round then get legal advice to protect yourself. I think you need to ring Gamcare for some professional channels to go through and get more support. When it comes to you being so intimidated - and I know what that is like - you need to look after your own well-being and your finances. I know what it is like to stop them ending up in prison. If you withold funds and tell him you will not put up with people coming to the house he may well hit rock bottom and then realise what he is doing. I feel so sorry for you but there are ways and there can be light at the end of the tunnel. He is only young and there is still time to work on him. He is lucky to have you caring for him.

Take care.

hi all

I am still in this horrible position we paid more debts £1800 to dealers which he borrowed for gambling but also C*****e. He went away for 10 days and came back postiitve and said he was going to change his life. But again today I feel he is going back to his old ways. He has been to rehab 3 times over the last two and half years he is seeing a psychiatrist at the moment. I just do not know how much more I can do or take apart from letting him go. I feel this is the only way as I cannot take the pain anymore. My question to anyone out there who would be kind enough to reply. What happens if he stops paying the dealers how do I live with myself if something happens to him .

From a very desperate mother

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Hi Lilly1968. It's such a shame to hear that you are in such a desperate situation and whatever you do seems to never change anything. Did you go to a meeting? No one knows what happens if you don't pay until you stop doing it. I phoned victim support to ask these questions too, just for advice as I have never been in this position. They pointed me towards stepchange 03005552222 . Maybe you can call and talk to someone there. I think that sometimes those individuals rely on you being scared. I also think that addicts will do anything to get you to pay. They are the masters of manipulation. The advice is not to pay. Is he still with his girlfriend? I think the only realistic thing to do is encourage him to attend meetings and hopefully that will continue the recovery that he should have started in rehab. You need to get strong and find some support. Gamanon, coda (codependent) meetings. Keep talking on here. Lots of people read these posts and someone will come along and offer their support too.

Hi Lily,

Your son is continuing to manipulate you….he knows you will give in eventually so he has no reason to stop.

You need to shift your focus on to you. Your son is an adult and he makes his own choices and he will have to deal with the consequences of his actions. A lot of the time what is said will be made up to get what he wants…as I’ve said to you before, I’ve been there and done that.

Scroll down a few pages, of the friends and family section and look for Phoenix67’s threads. I think you might take a bit out of her story.
I really feel for you and I hope you can get the strength to start putting yourself first.

Damo

I did go to three meetings and it did help but they were mainly wifes and girlfriends and they were just saying leave him to the other people. But when you are a mother it is for life, partners can come and go they have a choice not so easy for mothers. We have already arranged step change, but I have been paying the last year, he needs to make himself bankrupt but he won't so I am left with trying to deal with all this too. The people he owes money too are not leading companies these are serious thugs who have made threats against us too. I hate this disease and I hate seeing my son destory himself sometimes I think I would rather die then watch this play out. But you are right when he makes these threats you are not sure to believe him but you get so scared you end up paying. I know I cannot keep paying as I won't have any money left, I just pray that it will be ok . thank you Merry go round

The wives and girlfriends at the meeting aren’t in a better position than you and they don’t lack commitment to their husbands or partners or to their relationships.

However with recovery comes the realisation that to carry on paying for the gambling and to carry on clearing up the gamblers’ mess and to carry on carrying the gamblers’ various burdens simply allows the gambling to continue.

That’s why they told you to let go. Because the alternative is to carry on exactly as you are which will achieve exactly what you have achieved so far.

At the end of the day, your life and how you live it is your business and your responsibility. That applies just as much to parents as to any other relationship.

CW

Hi Lilly you have to persevere with meetings. Initially you won't hear what is being said. As a wife I have not come and gone. I've been married a long time and have children so will always be connected. As Damo says you're being manipulated. Your son knows you will give in. It's tough, it's really hard watching an addict self destruct. But the stepchange debt is his not yours. He should be paying it. Responsibility will never be taken if he constantly relies on you to clear everything up. Unfortunately in trying to help him you are creating a never ending cycle of destructive behaviour. He will bankrupt you, he has no concept of money he is just 'using'. Gambling to him is just another drug. You have to do something, praying it will be ok is not going to help you. If he doesn't have money he can't gamble. If he goes to loan sharks that's his problem. These people know you will pay. You have to stop the cycle. There has to be a consequence to his bad behaviour. You have to change what you are doing because it's not working. I am telling you this to help you. Basic rules are don't pay a gambler's debts, no bailouts. We all want it to get better, wake up and it's over, but that isn't going to happen. You have to do things differently.

Hi Lily,
I totally understand that it feel different with it being a son...but as a mother you want to do whats best for him right? From someone who has been where your son is....I can tell that you are not doing whats best for him (sorry if that sounds harsh).

You say you have suggested that he bankrupts himself...so why do you continue paying stepchange for him? It will head down that path if you step back and let him have to deal with it. I set up a trust deed in 2001 and I paid it for 2 months....was over 10 years before I could get any credit of any sort. That was the only thing that stopped me getting into anymore debt as I continued to gamble.

Damo

Also I spoke to stepchange at length about loan sharks. They can help you. It's not about debt plans. Also if you are threatened by a 'thug' call the police or stepchange.

Thank you all for your support and I am going to really try and not pay anymore . Can I ask another question we often get debt letters saying the bailiffs will be sent . Can they make us pay if it is not our debt ? . Again I do thank you for your kind words and I hope I have the strength to stop enabling him as you are all right this won’t end. I keep you posted

As far as I'm aware if you can prove all possessions are yours with receipts they can't take it. I personally would not answer the door. You should seek advice from citizens advice bureau or debt camel is another website. Someone else will know more than me.

I am the mom of a compulsive gambling son. I know you feel if you just sort this out all will be fine... it won't. Gambling addiction doesn't disappear because the finances have been fixed. Generally that just starts the cycle again as the slate has been cleared. You will in fact bankrupt yourself and still not have solved anything.

I would also suggest calling the police re loan sharks.

Thank you everyone for your advice and I keep you posted and I will stop enabling my son I have to this time.

Hi Lilly,

Very sorry to hear what you are going through, can feel the pain and desperation in your words. He is your son and you are trying to control this situation, but you cannot unfortunalty. Like any addiction tough love is the only cure here, you tell your son no more and cut him loose, you will be there if he needs to talk etc but not one penny more. If you feel intimitaded by thugs call the police.

I am a compulsive gambler and like the majority we only seek help when we hit rock bottom and have no where else to go. Usually this means we have gotten into serious debt and our lives have become unmanagable. In my case I ran out of funds, literally I racked up debt and could not get access to any more funds. If someone had bailed me out I would have swore blind, which I often did to myself, that I would sort out my problem but deep down knowing I would go back to gambling, and once we are back gambling its only a matter of time before we hutle towards oblivion once again.

I ended up going to GA which helped turn my life around. But I had to want to do it, I could go to GA meetings and theraphy seession or whatever else every day of the week it would not make a bit of difference if I did not really want to stop and that is key. You want your son to sort things out but you need to cut the cord here. Once he knows there is not more bail outs he will have to get help, this will take time as he now knows if he makes things tough emotionally for you with blackmail and threats etc you will give in.

Time to stand your ground so your son can grow up and face reality. I know my words are harsh and not what you want to hear but the reality is he wont stop no matter what once he knows his mother is there as a money tree.

Hi Lily,

How are things? Hope you are looking after yourself.

Damo