Son's gambling addiction

Hi all

Not in a good place tonight fed up with life . My son continues to gamble and continues to blame me . We are ordinary family or so I thought . I just do not understand how this has happened to us. I can’t help but blame myself. I have had enough and sometimes not sure I want to be hear anymore and watch my son destroy his life . I am sorry but feeling very down .

Hi Lilly I'm sorry to be blunt but from what I've read you really need to drastically change your relationship with your son. By bailing him out you and you alone are acting as an enabler to his addiction. As someone mentioned you are his safety net. Sending him away to rehab at a vast expense won't do anything. I dont personally know you or your son so I can only draw conclusions from what I've read. You and your husband have worked hard for what you have so you have obviously tried to give your son the best life he has. Sometimes this can back fire in a relationship. By the sounds of things he has absolutely no respect or remorse for you whatsoever. Without writing out an essay I have a freind in a seemingly similar situation now I'm not Freud reincarnated but it sounds like you desperately need to save your mother son relationship before it's too late. Instead of sending him away to rehab or bailing him out financially try a complete change of scenery ie take a month off or 2 or 3 just you and him traveling somewhere the other side of the world. Just a thought but could change both your perspectives on everything but whatever you do you need to stop enabling your son it's a never ending cycle

Please get some support for yourself Lilly. This addiction is progressive and it is not going to go away. Your only hope for sanity is to do as much as you can to get yourself strong and well.

I know this is extremely difficult but you are stronger than you think. I wish I had more encouraging things to say. I know you just want to hear that this will all be okay but you can't nor ever will be able to control what your son does. You can, however, step away from the chaos and let the consequences fall on his shoulders.

This can and does happen to all sorts of "normal" families... it's just life.

Cathyx

Hi lilly1968 I wish we had that wand that so many of us are looking for when things are really desperate. But that's not reality. I felt like you, I was so depressed and not for the first time. I couldn't get my husband to stop, didn't matter how many loans, promises, he did not want to. He could not face the world without it. It was his daily ritual, fix, whatever! I had to look after me. You have to stop doing what you always do. I went to gamanon for 2 years, I thought I knew how to safeguard myself, he continued in secret. There would be points where he'd find he needed money, lies, and confessions. I stupidly, yes me, I did this, bailed him out, in my head I thought 'it's his money, how can I not pay up'. That's enabling. Giving a clean slate, green light, more access to credit. I finally went back to gamanon, I came on here. I have learnt twice as much this time. How to look after me, how to say no. I asked gamcare for counselling, I was at a point where I just couldn't stop thinking, crying, raging. It had to stop. Instead of saying 'you can't do this anymore ' or 'please stop' or screaming at him, I sorted myself out. I went back to where I knew there was help. It's very scary, it's so hard to admit that what you thought was help was harm. My attitude is take whatever help there is, keep going until you feel better, give everything a chance. Don't just go and think 'what do they know' or 'I'm not doing that'. Just get all the help you can, follow it through. There is nothing better than real life help, real people who become your friends. What have you got to lose, it's got to be better than where you are now. Call gamcare talk to someone, go back to the meeting, get counselling. If you haven't already go to your gp for your mood. Keep talking on here. Just get through today.

Thank you for all your support which really helps keeping me stong. I have stop giving him money it is hard because if u give in you get that peace . But only until the next fix. This is the first time that he has not got his own way . I am worried about him but I know that for his sake and ours we cannot give in . I know this is going to be a long road I hope he will see the light and hope I can keep strong . Thank you for sharing your stories it does help.I Pray for all you in recover keep going you can do it

Lilly remember you need support. Trying to do this by yourselves is tough. You will all be affected by his behaviour. Recovery doesn't happen overnight. This is a destructive relationship and gambling and his other addictions are not just fuelled by money. Seriously get some real help at meetings. We have to face the fact that we cannot do this alone. You have said repeatedly that you will try to be strong and not enable him, but you are still doing that. Honestly there is no shame in getting help.

Lilly

Try and get you son to sign up to GAMSTOP if his problem is predominately online, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done.

I would always self excluded myself from sights once I’d lost (I’d carry on and on waiting for the win when it came I’d lose it then exclude myself)

GAMSTOP stops you from setting up the account in the first place.

Good Luck with everything

Hi Lily

I have read your post with great sadness for so many reasons. I am a cg and reading what your going through makes me think about what my mum went through with me many years ago. I am still battling this horrible addiction but I also after many years acknowledge that it is my responsibility, my actions and my burden to live with. And despite a few set backs I am in a much better place than a few years ago. My mum many years ago bailed me out on a number of occasions and like others have said, like it or not it only enabled me to continue. After a few times of this, my mum then refused to bail me out anymore and quite rightly why should she! Why should she work hard just so I could ***** it up the wall in a few hours. Unfortunately tough love is the only way to get a reality check. She almost disowned me and our relationship was broken but this was my own doing. It wasn't her fault that I made stupid choices and got myself an addiction. I made that choice, just like your son made that choice and just as it wasn't my mum's fault, it isn't yours either. Blaming yourself allows him to use this against you when he messes up and requires your help. To put it into perspective, I am also a parent with an adult daughter and I completely understand the blaming yourself thoughts when it comes to our kids, however everyone is their own person and we can't be accountable for all of their actions. At some point they need to be responsible for the consequences of their actions, which by bailing your son out each time, means he bears no responsibility. Only when he really does will he make serious steps to change.

It won't be easy and will be like ripping off your arm but I can honestly say that the only way you can truly help him after everything you have done is make him face the reality and consequences head on. He needs to be responsible for paying back his debts, he needs to live the consequences of spending his girlfriend's money and the real struggle that leaves her in. At some point you will have to stop bailing him out for your own sanity and also before you are left financially crippled. The damage needs to be limited to him.

The best way you can support him is by saying you will be there for him emotionally if you are strong enough to do so but you will not help him anymore financially. If he lives at home with you then set rules that he needs to abide to on your terms. You need to take control of the situation and not let his situation control you. I hope this doesn't sound harsh or unsupportive as I am genuinely giving you the perspective from being on the other side.

As I mentioned earlier in the post, I am still tackling this addiction and it isn't easy, however if now I have ever messed up, I take responsibility for my actions and I also have to address the consequences. I wouldn't dream of going to my mum for help despite the fact she probably would help now as Ialthough I haven't talked it completely, I am very clear on the fact that it is Moines fault but my own and they are my consequences to fix. This in itself as allowed me to make a huge amount of progress over the last few years to leading a relatively normal life and my family to not carry this burden. This only happened when my mum said no. I made no real progress prior to this.

I hope nothing more than your son to realise the damage he is doing to everyone around him to enable him to stop. I haven't seen anywhere in the posts how he gambles. Have you sat hihim down and gone through all the self-exclusion processes for all online casinos, bookies in your area and bingo halls. There is a really helpful post by mixer that's gives you all the details. I would suggest you get him to do this in your presence, not just for him to tell you he has. Sadly, the addiction allows us to become deceitful, manipulative and the master of liars to get what we want. Actions speak louder than words and unfortunately words of a chance can't be trusted however much we love and want to believe them. Only when the actions can be seen should you trust what he says. As many other people have said, take care of yourself first, whatever that takes. I really hope your son will see what a loving, caring mother he has and how lucky he is with the amount of support you have given him. You are amazing and don't deserve this.

Bex

Please try and take the advice you have been given from the people who have been or are going through what you are.

Hi, I realise I am many years behind this thread, but it came up quite high in a Google search when I was looking for support for my son.

OP - I so desperately understand your situation and I wondered if you have any update many years later?  I hope you’ve found the strength you were looking for and have experienced a positive outcome.

the journey with our 21 yr old son is just starting and I’m looking for any help I can.

xx

Hi 

It's possible you will get a reply from this thread but as you rightly point out it is old and the person who started it may have moved on. Please consider contacting the National Gambling Helpline on 0808 8020 133 for help and support with your situation. An adviser there would be able to talk to you about the support we provide and the help provided by other great organisations. The lines are open 24/7 and we would love to hear from you.

Best wishes

Kevin

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