Son's gambling problem

Welcome to the forum OMM, sorry to see you here under such sad circumstances 🙁

The best thing you can do to help is arm yourself with as much information as you can...Can you get to GamAnon for real life support yourself? If not, the helpline is a good port of call for everyone close to him that needs some guidance.

Unfortunately, no amount of telling us is ever enough, we have to be ready to accept the help that is out there. Given that he has already risked prison for what he has stolen from you, I would say that getting your finances locked down are a priority. Title aside, gentics are proof enough that your mother may need your help with this too. I am a compulsive gambler, as is my mum & the money we have had out of my nan over the years makes my eyes water & yet she continues to feed my mother's addiction despite me being on my knees @ times over it.

If he has admitted all because he needs a bail out, and has had that, chances are he will dig himself deeper, if he has asked for help because he is ready to face his addiction then he will hopefully allow you to support him on.his journey & it's going to be tough @ times. I would also suggest barriers to help break his gambling (Time-Money-Location, remove one & he cannot gamble) triangle...Money being the easiest with downgraded bank accounts, providing receipts for money spent, removing CVV numbers from cards. Location is perhaps removed with self exclusions from shops & websites supported by blocking software (K9 is free) if gambling is done online but getting away from a gambling environment any which way will help. Time could be taking up new hobbies, working more hours (esp where money needs paying back).

Apols for the messy response I'm on a tablet & it hates me so I'll post it now & pop back later.

Hope this is a starter for you. Look after yourself - ODAAT

Hi OMM

Sorry to see what's going on. It's not clear if you and your mother have bailed him out of loans from lenders or lent the money to him after he's lied to you while going on to gamble it.

If it's loans from lenders I would advise letting him do the reseach into organisations who can help him set up repayment plans (Payplan and Stepchange are well regarded and free). If you've lent him the money you may need to be prepared not to get it back but above all do not let him have more.

If he means what he says he will be very willing to put every barrier to gambling he can in place. ODAAT has given some great suggestions. If he's agreeing to things you suggest to get you off his back, be wary. A gambler won't stop until they are ready. Don't take anything he says on trust. You will need to see proof for yourself.

Read up on the addiction and decide where your personal lines in the sand are then stick to them. If he's not ready to stop he will play you without blinking. Protect your own interests and put yourself first.

Hi 🙂 I am the mom of a 28 y/o compulsive gambler. Lots of great advice from Lethe and ODAAT.

I have been dealing with this for 10 years and if I could go back in time I would advise to take a big breath and not rush in to do anything other than protecting yourself financially... no more bailouts etc. From my vantage things only improved when any support I gave was asked for by my son. The more involved I became the more he found ways to manipulate and continue to gamble. When my husband and I backed off and got on with our own lives he finally started trying to change things.

Please see if you can find some support for yourselves and his fiance such as Gamanon or Gamcare. This is a very difficult journey you are on and it doesn't become manageable without a LOT of work on both sides.

Cathyx

I feel for all of you but sometimes it takes that hitting rock bottom to ask for help. It is hard to use tough love but it has to be done. He needs to know you will support him whatever but that is the end of the financial bail outs. I think a lot of us bail them out initially because we are always trying to protect them legally and each time we will always hope that is the end of it but it hardly ever is. Get in touch with the bank, citizens advice, debt counsellors to sort out the money situation. Take him to the doctor who will always listen and not judge. He must be made to see that the money he took off you is for your future. Very often we have talked about the risk of losing the roof over our own head when we have bailed out in the past. You really must look after yourselves as well financially and healthwise. While he is confiding in you now take that opportunity to sit him down and talk about how your are feeling and get him to open up on why he has done this. Try and get him involved in planning ways to recover from this - let him do some research of his own like finding out how to self exclude from sites etc. Get him to start up a diary of free days - anything to give him hope that something can be done and build his self esteem up again. He must be shattered with the worry of it all and so must you. But there can be light at the end of the tunnel if you go through the right channels like talking to Gamcare, action some of above, and maybe controlling his finances from now on. That does make it more difficult for him to gamble and we have proved that. Life is never quite the same after experiencing something like this with your kids but there are ways of making it better and I am really keeping my fingers crossed for you all that this is now a turning point for everyone. Good luck and keep posting to let us know how you are all getting on.