Hello all.
I haven't posted for a little while. I have been trying to re-establish a relationship with my cg husband after I left with the children a few weeks ago. He has had one session at aquarius with the next one in the morning. So far, he has done well in terms of not asking me for money, cutting the amount down he's gambling with and also not reacting in the volatile manner in which he was before. The past 2 days though he has been horrible to me and my oldest daughter, who has autism and isn't his. He blames her for everything surrounding me leaving him. Says its coz she can't keep her big mouth shut and she is the cause of 90% of his problems. It's because of her that his name has been run through the mud and he has had everyone at the school make an opinion of him on hers and my word without him being offered a chance at defence. He is going back on what he said in that he knew it had to come out the way it did or things would never have changed and he would have carried on behaving the way he was because it had become the norm. He said he was ashamed and embarrassed to realise that the way he had been treating me was classed as domestic abuse and he had been a terrible husband and wanted me back. He refutes he takes his moods out on my daughter (see above) and says she and I are ganging up against him. He has over the last 2 days told me that if I decide I don't love him and this isn't going to work that I have to leave home with my daughter and leave him and our 2 children in the family home. He said he will fight for custody of our one daughter knowing how much it will kill me. I have spent the evening crying and had to come on here for some support. I've asked him to mention in his session tomorrow about a referral to relate so we can attempt to mend those broken issues between us and attempt to move forward more joined as a couple. He is now refusing to do so, when in his session he said he would be prepared and happy to do that. He is twisting it all back round on me again, like he does, making me out to be a bad mother, bad wife and bad person in general.
I feel like a fool for letting him back in when I had the chance to be free. I did it for the children, coz he bagged me to give him the chance to make it right and it's going wrong. We've argued again, in front of the children again and it's affected them - saying they have tummy ache and misbehaving at bedtime which is something they always have done when things have been unsettled at home.
Where do I go from here? Do I talk to his counsellor and raise it? Do I leave it to him and hope that he brings it up and we can take it from there? Do I leave again but make sure he never finds me? I need help
Sorry to hear it, S&L, but I can only repeat what's been posted to you previously, suggest a re-read. Addicts blame those around them so then it's not their own doing and they're not responsible. They lie and manipulate, say what you want to hear and then carry on unchallenged. In short, he'll dish out what you'll put up with...on behalf of yourself and your daughters. You're really distressed and tolerating under protest - but you're there ...and he's behaving as he is. Your choice as to what you do tolerate but why do you want this for you? You deserve better, so do your children.
Get the help that you need for you to change things for you and your children. Read up on addiction, so that you recognise addict manipulation and abuse for what it is.
re residence of your other daughter, he won't be taken seriously. But if he's abusive, and you keep your children in that environment, child protection might become an issue. One of the teachers phoned me when it was thought necessary and I am only relieved that it didn't escalate into further intervention.
Also, relationships don't repair overnight or with one or two counselling sessions, even when the gambling stops. We had years of gambling, reversing the corrupted mindset will also take ages - recovery is long term and requires daily maintenance. It's only recently that there has been a glimmer of improvement for us.
Keep posting, do what you need to do to be safe.
CW
Sorry to be harsh but don't kid yourself that he's doing well because he's cutting down on how much he gambles (I suspect that this may be as much due to limited funds if you're not bailing him out, as anything else)!
No new advice but just wanted to offer my support & tell you to keep your chin up! He is not behaving well & regardless of who the biological parents are, this is not acceptable in any scenario, least of all in front of the children.
You shouldn't be doing this alone. Please get some proper help & look after yourself - ODAAT
Thank you both. I feel like I've let myself and the children down. A massive part of me allowed him back as I wanted to believe after all this time that this was it, the big change. Never before had he even uttered the words of needing help, let alone sought it. He has changed the goal posts surrounding this already. It began as he was stopping gambling full stop. Then it changed to having a bet was OK as long as he was still in control and he stopped the behaviour that had become unacceptable and began to treat me better. He thinks that because he has kept to the majority of this, apart from arguing with me and making me feel like s**t that he is doing everything he should be so really, the issue isn't with his gambling but with him or us as a whole. The problem is, is that I have been living with him as a gambler for the whole of our relationship, so how do I know who he is now he is getting it under control to the most extent? I am waiting to hear from the family support worker at Aquarius for counselling too. I was trying to be responsible and sensible by suggesting relate as I do think it's needed. There are many issues in this marriage, his gambling the largest, my daughter next then others following on from there that have cropped up over the years. I told him that I knew he was trying to cause a bust up between me and him so that I would retaliate and say I wanted us to split for good, then he could say I had led him a merry dance when I never had any intention of letting him try as he had asked me to. I'm not stupid, I could see what he was doing and told him so. He denys this of course. I'm now fearful of telling him how I really feel at any point as I know he will make this as difficult as it can be for me. I doubt he is thinking of the children in it all, tho I could be wrong. Maybe he does genuinely think he can offer them better than me?! I don't know. I'm doubting everything right now and feeling like I took the steps I did those weeks ago for absolutely nothing. I have no idea where to turn to now.
The same places that you could have & may have turned to weeks ago! Nothing has changed & you are not the cause of this! Of course he's not thinking about the children, all he's worried about is how he can continue to gamble! The steps you took before proved you have it in you! I can say as a outsider you're a fool for letting him back in but I'm childless (unless you count a hyperactive mutt) & I have no idea what your relationship is like! Don't ever beat yourself up for trying to give yourself & your kids the best shot @ life!
I'm sorry but he is not getting it under control, we can't! Us compulsive gamblers cannot win because we cannot stop & the only way for him to fix himself is to commit to recovery! Bad tempers aside, he is not doing that! I've said it before & I'll say it again, no-one deserves to live in fear (I want to say a lot more but I value this site)!
I think it's probably quite natural to think it's your fault but you didn't make him become a compulsive gambler! Forget the guilt & focus on how you can move forwards now - ODAAT
You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, you can't Cure it. It's no good thinking your job is to save him from himself. His behaviour is NOT your fault but you are responsible for what you do and the changes or lack or them that you make to your situation.
You might start from the assumption that what he says is Addict Nonsense instead of believing it.
It's hard to break free of what you've always known, it take several tries. But you'll get there, believe in you.
Look after yourself.
CW
Hi,
I am a recovering compulsive gambler and firstly wish to echo the advice provided above.
None of this is your fault and you have not let anyone down. You have tried hard in difficult circumstances but enough is enough. Deep down you know this cannot go on and you must now put you and the children first.
Us gamblers can be heartless, ignorant and unpleasant individuals who only think of the next punt. When i was gambling i was ecstatic when winning, miserable when losing and a living nightmare when i couldnt gamble.
What i would have expected from him was a head long launch into recovery. Basically trying to get a way out of this hole which isnt happening. There appears little evidence of real attempts to stop.
Now is the time for you to take control but some legal advice is required for you to move forward.
Ideally he should leave but it appears that he thinks he is in control. He may have to hit real rock bottom imo the sooner the better.
Perhaps a call or visit to CAB may help.
Best wishes
Balvaird wrote: Hi, I am a recovering compulsive gambler and firstly wish to echo the advice provided above. None of this is your fault and you have not let anyone down. You have tried hard in difficult circumstances but enough is enough. Deep down you know this cannot go on and you must now put you and the children first. Us gamblers can be heartless, ignorant and unpleasant individuals who only think of the next punt. When i was gambling i was ecstatic when winning, miserable when losing and a living nightmare when i couldnt gamble. What i would have expected from him was a head long launch into recovery. Basically trying to get a way out of this hole which isnt happening. There appears little evidence of real attempts to stop. Now is the time for you to take control but some legal advice is required for you to move forward. Ideally he should leave but it appears that he thinks he is in control. He may have to hit real rock bottom imo the sooner the better. Perhaps a call or visit to CAB may help. Best wishes
Thankyou for posting.
What an honest opinion from a gambler, one in truth I hadn't expected. My husband is as you described yourself to be. Manically happy when winning, or studying for his next bet...yes he takes it that seriously, more than miserable when losing and another different person I don't know when unable to bet. He has attended 2 sessions at counselling. I can tell already he is ready to jack it in completely, especially as at the end of today's session she informed him that social services are to be involved. Whilst he was out I had a telephone call from them and an appointment was made to come and speak to me. He has been very angry, threatening that if anything is unleashed on him or against him, that he will unload the same on me. He is denying flatly that the way he treats me is abusive. He says he can't be a gambler and an abuser so I need to choose which one it is! The thing is, I used to think that it was just his gambling that made him that way towards me but the last 3 days have been horrible again so maybe that is a side of him that is there, gambler or not?! I'm constantly nervous all the time. I am literally shaking when around him. I thought the action taken by going into the school and making someone aware was the rock bottom he needed but all it seems to have done is made him more angry now he's back through the door, with the added anger from not gambling....or rather, not gambling like he used to.
I will take your advice though and contact CAB for legal advice. I know I can get emergency injunctions etc through national domestic violence helpline....I wanted to avoid that if possible because of the children. He may be a S****y husband but he does love HIS kids, not the one thrust upon him by wanting to be with me tho unfortunately. He won't leave voluntarily, he wouldn't give me the satisfaction.....in fact today, he demanded I teach him how to cook so he can take the children from me as one of the reasons I say they must stay with me now is because he can't cook etc so I'm the main caregiver to them.
There is no way forward for me.
I appreciate your time and honest words.
Take care
Hi S&L,
Going back to your opening post, you said your husband was cutting down on his gambling. Okay we all know this will not work. But do you have proof of this? I doubt this very much. Sorry to say but just another lie from a compulsive gambler.
There's been time through my addiction when I thought "I will cut down on my stake levels" or "I'm not going to bet as often", this may have worked for a day or two, then slowly these self promises go out of the window! After a losing bet I had to quickly bet again, probably at increased stakes, when that bet lost, the chase was on.....
No way could I have said to myself or my wife "sorry but I've lost £15K, so I'm going to cut down on my betting".... It just cannot work. Some days I could lose hundreds, so only losing £50 a day would be cutting down, but I cannot afford to lose this much! I'd still have the feelings or winning and losing that is addicts feed from! Recovery for an addict has to mean no bets at all, but there will be no recovery if the GA doesn't want to stop.
Sorry if I've sounded blunt, but your story also brought a tear to my eye, as it's another story of how a gambling addiction has wrecked a marriage and kids life's. If I'd have carried on I'd have been heading for the same.
All the best to you and the kids. X
Hi, S&L,
Active addicts live in a fantasy, in his case with the big win a mere bet away, no social services threatening the family structure, a wife who will teach him to cook (because that's all he needs to look after his favoured children) before removing herself out of sight but within easy reach for bailouts.
He's behaving like a CG, suggest that you treat it as such.
Move the focus over to you and what you need to do for the safety of you and the children. You can do it.
Take care,
CW
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