Suddenly come to my senses

Hi Jojojo, welcome to the forum 🙂

You're not being unfair writing this @ all but I think perhaps you are doing yourself a disservice by turning a blind eye to it. I can't say why he gambles (I'm still trying to figure out after 3 years of being here why I did) but I can say for certainty that it's not because you make him! Us gamblers are pretty delusional whilst in action, dreaming of vast fortunes (in my case so I could continue to gamble 24/7 without worrying how to find the money) to bring about a fairytale life...When bizarrely enough, many of us have it pretty good already but are oblivious to!

I wonder if maybe he wouldn't need to work quite so hard if he wasn't spending every spare penny & also whether this is abstracting from his quality family time which may also be where some of your resentment comes from?

Sadly gambling is a progressive illness & he sounds pretty full on 🙁 Your instincts have bought you here & they are a vital tool when living with an active gambler. I would suggest you have a read round the site & weight up your options as to how to move forwards. Can you get to a GamAnon meeting by any chance? We are good here in cyberspace but this is something where real life support is invaluable - ODAAT

Thanks for your reply ODAAT - it's really helped me. I've spent the last few weeks reading information on this site trying to work out what to do. It's good to realise there are others in the same circumstances and I don't feel so alone. To my knowledge, none of our family or friends are aware of the extent of his gambling and I don't feel I can talk to anyone. I think counselling is therefore a great idea. There are sessions fairly local to me.

My husband does work very hard and I genuinely believe he thinks he's doing it for me and the children. However the reality is the more money he earns, the less we have! You've hit the nail on the head when you say he's 'dreaming of vast fortunes'. I don't think he's living in the real world. His vision of the future is retiring early and visiting all the places we've ever dreamed of going. My vision is that he's going to wake up one day in old age totally broke and regret all the money he's thrown away over the years on gambling but then it will be too late. I just need to know how to get hims to see this!

It frustrates me so much that an intelligent man can't see that we wouldn't have any money problems if he didn't gamble. He sees his wins as a way of treating himself and us and thinks we should be grateful; the reality is he could have just gone and bought the thing outright and still have money left over. This seems to be his way of justifying the gambling.

The overwhelming knowledge I've taken from this site is that the problem is his and he needs to want to deal with it. Unfortunately I think he considers his behaviour normal and don't think he would even acknowledge he has a problem!

Is that the GamCare counselling that is close by because if not, it may be worth speaking to the helpline as counselling is funded for users of this site & wont cost you!

Everything you say about your husband is in the GA literature for a reason...Us gamblers are a deluded bunch & no amount of intelligence is a match for addiction. I'm not as green as I am cabbage looking & for way too long, the only way I could see out of the horrible financial mess I had gotten into was to continue the same crazy thing that had gotten me into it. Then, when bank of Nan straightened me out, I continued the same crazy, not to get straight anymore but to get richer & by richer in my gambler's dreamworld, I obviously mean poorer in real life. I too spent many a deluded year convincing myself I was normal because addicts lost everything like my mum whilst I was a wily old fox, still had my job & was somehow managing to wangle money out of Nan and rob Peter to pay Paul. At the time time I was shovelling paper money into machines, in volumes far greater than the maximum payout, I was busy comparing supermarket prices to save pennies. There are plenty of people here who decided to win the money for a haircut/pint of milk only to discover hundreds of pounds later that gambling doesn't work that way. What we genuinely believe and what we tell ourselves to justify why we continue in such a harmful way appears to become blurry after a while.

I know you don't want to but I think you need to confront him about what clearly is a major concern for you & maybe, if you have access to his financial, put together some cold hard facts so that he can see for himself the damage he is doing. I would also take steps to separate your finances (have no idea how you could do this & you may need legal advice) because he may not be in debt @ the minute but this is a progressive disease & you need to be protected if he does spiral out of control like so many people do. This is his problem & it won't go away so you have to get the support you need to figure out how you move forwards because despondent isn't what a healthy relationship is all about.

Look after you - ODAAT

Hi jojojo my husband never missed a mortgage payment, I paid the bills. We had separate accounts we both worked, I knew he gambled didn't see it as problem. Little did I know he had loans to gamble, borrowed from his father to repay wedding savings that he gambled. Roll on 20 years, we are back to meetings. We first went to GA maybe 12 years ago. He admitted handed over finance. All good, after a year he didn't go anymore I carried on gamanon for year. He continued with whatever extra he got, lunch money, etc. So a small bet became a huge debt! It grows, it pulls them in, they lose they put bigger bets to win bigger. Get a loan to cover their loss, gamble that. So for now you can cope but in my experience it will get progressively worse. Someone in here wrote down all the money gambled and showed it to their cg, just to show them how much money they'd lost. But it isn't about the money, it's about the distraction from real life. All the time he doesn't spend with you, is moody, solitary, absent. You can't stop him but you can tell him how it affects you. The counselling will help but you also need to face him. Separate your finances if you can. No joint accounts, safeguard your money. Credit reports will show you if there is debt that you don't know about. Be proactive and take control if you can.

Thank you ODAAT and Merry go round for your wise words. It's so interesting to hear stories from both sides.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm using these forums to make me feel like I'm being proactive but in reality it's probably a way of putting off the confrontation. However I'm scared that if I do confront him, I might make the problem worse (we are up to date with bills and the mortgage). I'm also worried that I'm so angry right now that I can't act rational. I want to take a pile of money and set fire to it in front of his eyes as that's what it feels like he's doing to me.

All of our income goes into a joint account which I check every single day. The problem is we run out of money by the end of the month so have been eating into savings to prevent going overdrawn. Anyway the savings have now all gone so if we run out of money this month, we will be forced to address the problem. I think printing out a copy of the bank statement and highlighting money spent by me, him and bills separately is a great idea. I really think he has no idea how much he spends as he never actually looks at the statements. I have done this before but never showed him in the end as he was doing lots of overtime so I felt guilty.

Thanks for the advice on credit reports and finances; I will do some research. He isn't gambling huge amounts (maybe £70 a week) but this is a lot of money to us and I can't help wondering how much it would amount to over the years. I've read so many stories on here that have horrified me where people have lost thousands of pounds in a few minutes; it shouldn't be possible 🙁 This situation has been going on for years so he does have a degree of control but he needs to know how it's affecting me.

ODAAT - I did find the counselling through this website and definitely think it would help me to talk to others. I'm going to try and instigate a conversation to start with though and see how he reacts. Thank you x

Here I am 16 months later, never had the conversation and never did anything about the counselling. I'm feeling particularly down at the moment and it's taking longer than usual to get out of this mood. He's started blaming me for our money problems, hinting it's my fault because I work part time. When I told him I'd ordered a new coat recently, his response was 'haven't you got enough already'. When I told him about a school trip our daughter was really excited to go on, he said to me in front of our daughter 'are you paying for it?'

He works very hard and often 7 days a week but the more money he earns, the less we have. Our joint income is £3,132 a month and after bills and living expenses we should have £1,200 left over. Over the past 31 days, I've spent £86 on myself, he's spent £900. Not all of it goes on gambling, he's bought Playstation credit, beer, concert tickets and treated friends on a night out. I'm sat worrying about providing a happy Christmas to our children.

I'm depressed, shouting at my children all the time, crying myself to sleep and hate my life. I'm not looking for help or advice. I know what I need to do, just need to be brave enough to do it. Just thought putting down my thoughts and feelings into words might give me some space in my head for happier thoughts. My thoughts to anyone else who is suffering too x

Being married to a compulsive gambler affects your mental health too. If you don't get some help and support the problem will just get bigger. Ignoring it will not help. It isn't the end of anything, it could be the start of a healthy way to live.

Maybe show him this months transaction s and Sa we save 600 a month for retirement and 600 a month for socialising. I have 150a month after bills to live off and mabafe 1200 is loads.

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Last time u said he spent 70 a week so its definitely escalating. On the plus side ur not in debt, u pay all ur bills and mortgage so he seems to only spend what he earns, maybe say its a raing day fund as u never know what could happen.

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Thank you for all your comments. I’ve been trying to work out why I’m finding it so hard to initiate a conversation. Deep down I think I’m scared that he loves gambling so much he won’t be prepared to give it up. However I know he’s being very unfair and I deserve better. I am going to speak to him next time the children aren’t around and I feel less angry. Thanks for the support x

It's normally far worse than they say or you think. They don't love gambling, they are addicted to it. If you don't act it will get worse. He's not going to stop whilst he's got money and the unsaid green light from you. Get some support, can you find a gamanon meeting?

Thanks for the replies. I don’t think there’s any debt just from the way we handle our finances. All money goes in and out of a joint account so I know what every transaction is. Nothing has happened to make me think he’s borrowing money from elsewhere or got any debt.

I’ve just had a long chat with a lady from the helpline which was so helpful. I’ve been referred for counselling to get support for me. Thank you for all the advice.