This week is another slip back

Hi S&L, it is such a shame that they just can't see what hurt and suffering they are causing us? It is too hard to bear all the pain alone, do you have anyone close you can confide in? I am going to follow your lead and not retaliate with any of my husbands outbursts either ! I love to go out walking, so have decided that when he kicks off I shall go out so I don't have to listen to it ! I have read about 6 books from Amazon since realisation set in with me, earlier this year and have found them really helpful. From gambling addictions, to narcissistic behaviour, emotional abuse, verbal abuse and now the latest one - "men who hate women" which is a real eye opener! My CG fits into all the labels. I Have been waiting since middle of March to get some counselling but due to holiday at Easter had to wait until return, then last weeks session got cancelled. finally going next week. I avoid him as much as possible, can't bear to even look him in the face sometimes. He has made me despise and hate everything I used to love about him! I haven't given him any ultimatums or anything, he spends his entire time sat in the chair watching racing ! I go out to work, cook tea, clean up, etc, etc and he still sits.

We are all here for you to vent your frustration, I do feel for you, and it is so hard to stay strong, but you will do it, you have such strength to be on here and realising what's happening to you, and to be talking about it. It's small steps to a new you. Keep going, you and your kids deserve it, sending hugs xXx

Hi, S&L,

Sorry to hear it but no, when actively gambling and in denial about it, they don't care about their family and they can't see past their next bet. They are addicted to the process of gambling, they behave accordingly. It's no good expecting logical and loving responses from an addict in denial, it's like asking a colour blind person to distinguish colours. Agree with KitKat about the books, there's a good range from that on line River of retailers, they're not expensive and worth a read.

Change is going to have to come from you, you are strong enough and you can do it. But without suggesting that any of this is your fault, I do suggest that you're honest with him. Tell him that there is no such thing as a "saver" outside a gambling fantasy, it doesn't exist. Tell him that the gambling and associated behaviour repel you. Tell him you can't live like this. Tell him it's making you unhappy. Say it's not good enough for you and the children. Don't accept blame, his gambling is his responsibility. Insist that he respects you. Ultimatums ("if you don't stop by next Tuesday I'm going") are to be avoided but unsettling him is fine. It may not directly change things but it helps to make reality clear to him. re timescale, have one in mind if it helps but don't communicate it to him.

Also, addictive thinking takes years to develop and it doesn't melt away overnight. I personally don't buy into certain posts on the other side of the fence to the effect that the gambling's stopped, immediately everything's great and job done, it'll never happen again. I think that's just deceptive and unrealistic all round, also manipulative if he thinks you'll respond to what you want to hear. What's needed is hard work and effort to change the corrupted addictive thought processes as well as stopping gambling and it's a permanent project.

When my husband was behaving badly, someone suggested that it was no good seeking marriage counselling whilst he was in denial. For him, the problems would be all mine and what did he need to do anything for? We started counselling after six months abstaining, he's only just about showing signs possibly of starting to realise where I'm coming from and unexpectedly there has been some improvement. But on this side of the fence it's our own decision for each of us what to tolerate and how long to wait for progress that is not guaranteed, no right and wrong answers. No need to be pressured into doing what we're not comfortable with.

Focus on you, take care,

CW

Hi S&L

When we llive with an addict we are always trying to change them when in reality it is us that must change. You are never going to find the words to make him see anything... he can't hear you. What he is doing is working for him and he will keep going until it doesn't.

For your own sanity set some personal boundaries. It's time to get the focus off him and onto looking after yourself and your kids. He's a big boy ... let him look after himself.

Hi S&L

It is really sad to find that you are still being treated like this. It's good that you have counselling tomorrow. It sounds like you really need that time and space for you to work out what you really want to do. Remember, above all, to keep yourself safe. Not just physically but emotionally. You know you can ask for help, you've done it before. And you can call the GamCare helpline or chat to us on the Netline. We're here till midnight every day.

Take care,

Forum Admin.

Today has been hard.

He has had a go at me for practically everything.

He went out to visit a family member in hospital. I took the children outside for some fresh air to play whilst I did some gardening. Just as he returned home one of our children slipped and fell sideways onto one of the pots I was planting. I ran to her, as mums do, my protecting instinct came in as it does with us mums and he had a go at me, saying I was trying to push him out of dealing with anything to do with the children and he knew what I was upto. He threw his paper on the floor and stormed upstairs and went to bed. What on earth did I do wrong? All I wanted to do was comfort and see my child had not hurt themselves. He made it into something else entirely. Then he said it was my fault it happened coz I had the pots out on the patio where they were playing with their balls. They didn't actually trip over the pots, they slipped and happened to land on it.....but again, it was my fault. I took them out for a bike ride, I'm manopolising them and not letting him have time with them. I do homework and reading and spellings but I'm trying to stop him being involved. To him anyway. I'm just doing my job as a parent. No ulterior motive. Bedtime is another bone of contention. He has done bedtime with our middle child since I fell pregnant with our youngest. It made me sick bending over and I had back troubles so he took over, which was lovely. This continued up until about 18mths ago, when they decided that they wanted me and only me, so he was pushed out. He did it occasionally but it was me they wanted in with them. In his words now, I do nothing to stamp it out, I revel in the fact that they don't want him and it's all part of my plan against him. He will not take us to school now tomorrow....we have to go by car as it is an hours walk or by bus, which is our mode of transport for tomorrow. He says he will not pick them up either, which means I may have to reschedule my counselling, as i will never make it back to pick my youngest up from nursery on time. I know he is doing this to stop me from going. I'm not stupid. Is this control and manipulation? He has been brewing for a row all weekend and I haven't given it to him. I've said a few words but not given him the satisfaction of it. I'm better than that.

I feel deflated completely. Tired emotionally again. Stressed....and I know I'm stressed coz I keep forgetting things and struggle to make sense when I talk, I get all muddled and my words don't come out right.

I hope I get to make it to counselling tomorrow

Yes, more of the same manipulation, he's picking a fight and punishing you. Making it harder, sapping your energy.

Do what you have to do to make it to counselling. Get help, ask another parent to collect your little ones? Tell the school you'll be late collecting? Or take a taxi and worry about the cost later, perhaps let him go short on something he needs to recoup the money? But go. It would be a huge mistake on your part to let him stop you.

Do you drive? At some point, consider learning if not. If you do, why is he having the car when you need it? Does that have to be the way?

Look after you.

CW

Hi Sad and Lonely

A compulsive gambler has no conscience and certainly no morals, and it is very shocking the level they can stoop to.

It does not matter who we are to them, and in their head they can justify anything. You can not reason with them, he's not listening to anything you say anyway. While your husband gambles he will contiune to behave badly and will get worse, they all do.

You cannot make him stop, its up to him if he wants recovery and its very obvious hes in complete denial.

We live in hope that they will choose recovery , give them many chances, ultimatums you name it but unless they want recovery it wont make a bit a difference.

Only you can decide how much of this you take, but Im afraid to say if you're waiting for your husband to change you could be in for a very long wait, if not forever.

You must think of yourself and its vital you get to your counselling come hell or high water, dont let him stop you going.

Take care

Hi S&L, I know labels don't help & statistics mean nothing because we are all unique but domesticabuseshelter.org states that on average, a domestic violence victim will leave their 'attacker' 7 times before they leave for good! Just because you took him back once doesn't mean you have to stick to your guns & just because there is no physical violence, does not mean that this is not abuse. Even the law now recognises that psychological damage is harmful & the UK is still using legislation that is hundreds of years old!

I so hope you have figured out how to get your counselling in today! You are a fighter & you will figure this out! Stay strong - ODAAT

Hi everyone,

I got my counselling session today. He woke up like nothing had happened, took the children to school and even drove me to my appointment! He does this, says things and then does the opposite, I never quite know where I stand. I don't drive and we have no family or friends close by that can have the children so I do rely on him for at least childcare every now and again. In the past I have put things off or missed things as he has refused to have the children as a way of manipulating and controlling me and what I do. It's also been a way of hurting me. He knows I like and need to be around people and out and about so he takes that away when he can. I know that's not good but I have no way around it.

My session went well. More a fact finding session about me, what lead me to seek help, what I want from it and I have my next three sessions already booked and on the calendar. I look forward to them. I need that safe place to offload, validate my thoughts and feelings. I cried today. My counsellor sensed my desperation and despair and said its very clear my impetuous is holding my family together for them and my thoughts, wants and feelings don't seem to matter so much, even to me. I've been advised to attend a mindfulness matters group to help with my anxiety and to calm me during the stressful times at home, as it has a profound effect on my body in respect of the retching/dry heaving,headaches, shaky hands etc. If I can arrange for childcare I will go to that too.

We discussed the future sessions and I'm glad I went. I need this. I think it's a shame though that as f&f we are offered 12 sessions but the CG themselves are only offered 4 sessions initially then if they want more they can but it will be with someone different and there could be a waiting time in between. It's my husbands last session next week and he has been advised there will be a long wait for another appointment if he wants to continue.

He won't go back after that.

He will say there is no point. He is doing fine.

I know what is coming and it makes me anxious.

Only time will tell. I will keep posting on here for advice and support. You have all helped me so much and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for reading my rantings and bestowing your wisdom. I only hope I have made a difference to someone else too

Sad x

Hi, S&L,

So pleased to hear that you went to the counselling and it was what you needed.

re being dependent on him to drive you, do keep the phone numbers of a couple of Minicab firms handy, not for daily chauffeuring but handy when you're stuck. May make you stuck less often? And perhaps consider driving lessons as a longer term goal.

We had a so called "family car" and he needed it because his work wasn't accessible by public transport. So I used public transport - it is possible to get around but it takes a lot longer and I didn't work locally, either. If I wanted to use the car or asked him for a lift on his days off, he would make out that I was being incredibly demanding and unreasonable. And when I suggested getting my own car, he discouraged it, too expensive, double insurance, we don't need two cars. For a few years I went along with this nonsense and looking back, I can't think why!!!! Eventually I did buy a little runaround for myself and I should have done it a whole lot sooner. Now my older teenagers are talking about driving lessons...oh, well.

Also, re him blowing hot and cold, my husband did that and I gather from GamAnon literature that keeping you off balance by doing that is a recognised CG form of controlling the nearest and dearest.

Take care,

CW

You are right CW.

I have my provisional in my maiden name so am planning on getting it changed and learning how to drive. I pay for our car right now so I will d**n well use it if I need to once I have past my test. It is my last bit of independence to fully achieve and I will do it. I live in the countryside and it's hard to get taxi firms to drop out to here, plus it makes using them very expensive....I will start to build up a fund and use it incase of emergencies. Thanks for the advice there!

Will GamAnon post out literature to me do you think? I have read a lot of stuff online but can't recall if it was GamAnon?! My brain feels so puddled half the time I don't know how I get through the days in one piece.

You take care too,

Sad

re driving, go for it!!

re GamAnon, the info is on the GamAnon UK website, they've recently started on line meetings on Sunday's and I'm sure that would give you access to the literature, otherwise Forum Admin have acted as a postbox when I sent a few leaflets to Phoenix. Try the website first?

Take care,

CW

How are you?

Hi CW,

Things have been relatively calm as I have been painting the garden fences and shed due the glorious weather we've had this week! My mind is rested when occupied with tasks such as this and I enjoy being outside in the sunshine, even when working! As the weekend is fast approaching I am dreading what's to come. It's always the weekend. He has gone back on things set up to help him during his counselling session and also said that he won't be returning after his last one, as I predicted he wouldn't.

He told me the other day that as social services are close to discharging us, the minute they are gone he will go back to how he was before as he knows no one will be watching!! I have no doubt that this will happen. As I said in the original post, I can see it all slipping back. He has told me if I don't want him then I must go and leave the children with him as he is most definitely not going anywhere this time round. He knows I have no legal standing to remove him from the property and the police won't become involved unless he has been violent or threatening towards me, both of which he never does. That feeling of being trapped is slowly creeping back in. I have ignored it as I've been busy but I know it's there lurking.

I hope things are good with you CW?