Told my wife..and it was worst night of my life

Next step is getting the support in place to make sure you keep you and your family safe. Counselling, GA, relationship counselling, understanding addiction, etc. You could start by ringing Gamcare?

triangle wrote:

Next step is getting the support in place to make sure you keep you and your family safe. Counselling, GA, relationship counselling, understanding addiction, etc. You could start by ringing Gamcare?

Thanks. Yeah I've referrred myself to NHS centre. I'm more concerned about my wife. I feel like I basically need to spend all my energy trying to help her. I k ow what she thinks..what kimd of stupid moron gamvles away that much money? Im not sure she'll have much time for me leaving her with the kids to go and get counselling immediately. I probably have to sweep up her telling our froends and family. She evrn said my granddad who died last week now knows what you really are. The fury is intense, the sense of betrayal intense. I think she needs days to cool off then we go to relationship counsellors and let her vent in a controlled environment

Honesty is best. It's unlikely you could have hidden the situation from her for any length of time and even if you could carrying that kind of secret around wouldn't have done you any good healthwise.

What measures have you taken to reassure her you can't create this kind of financial havoc again?

Hi,

The distress is caused by the gambling, not by the telling. In telling, you've done the best possible thing that you can to stop the rot.

It's a chance for you to move forward openly and honestly, to do things differently, to become the best that you can be. If you read round the forum, there's a marked difference between the people who want to overcome the addiction and actually do whatever it takes, however uncomfortable and those who don't want to do things differently and can't understand why the same old produces the same old. IMO, secrets and deceits prevent recovery. Going forward, it's about what you do now to clear up the mess. Try GA meetings, GC counselling, hand over financial control, deal with self exclusion. Contact your creditors or get advice from StepChange or equivalent. These are all practical things that you can do to help yourself.

Your wife has to deal with how the gambling has affected her and you have to deal with how it affects you. You each have to sort yourselves out before thinking about relationship counselling. Healing is a long term process but you have to start somewhere.

Keep with it.

CW

Thanks both. Honesty was best. as humiliating and hurtful it is to reveal. My wife already has my bank log ins and cards.

Hi mate your putting me off the idea of telling the wife ! I owe 20k and can't stop , thankfully my cards are maxed out now so that's it all over ! Seems odd I feel pleased they are ! I'm going to clear as much as I can and then tell her . My wife is struggling with post natal depression last thing she needs is to know I've thrown our lives away !

Hi Pabloc

If its backed up immediately with here are my bank cards and account it can ease the situation. Telling someone has to be backed up with what you are doing about it straight away.

It is the gambling that took your self respect and honesty so your wifes reaction is infact pretty normal and understandable. Ok some people will shout more than others. Some will go into a deep sadness almost immediately and some will be so shocked they have to vent their feelings in various ways.

Gambling was killing you but trying to keep you in a comfort zone of secrecy and lies. Gambling made you a liar and it was taking your life away

The distress and pain were already there pabloc.....This way you are actually hearing it from somebody close. My view is that is best that you face it rather than hide from it. You can make amends and there will be more money. Its a moment of building your pride and self respect back up

A gambling addiction is so dangerous that facing up to a family reaction is for the best. When your family understand it was an illness maybe it will bring you closer together

You have to talk it through. What was worse..all those secretive nights of despair or trying to sort it all out

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

Very well said Joydivider - I agree that the stress of opening up about a serious problem, with the likelihood of anger and resentment from family members, would still be better than continuing to bottle it up. At least there is a real chance of recovery once the dust has settled.

I know it must be the right thing. But it's not good. 5 days ok my wife loved me. She doesn't now. It's real disdain. And my words are worthless. My pride is gone and all the good things I did are forgotten. I bought her a car, wonderful holidays we shared, a holiday apartment...she went from angry to ice cold. It's gonna be hard to keep it together at work to pay back lost savings. But if I don't keep it together I'm lost. She says don't ask her for any support, so it's me.

A few thoughts, not sure you'll like them but anyway...

Money, wealth, gifts and finances are NOT the main issue. The losses only matter to the extent that they threaten security but you can't buy love, affection, happiness or self worth. No good will come of trying to value yourself in financial terms.

What matters is what was going on behind her back, the toxic secret that you knew and she didn't. She loved you five days ago? What was that based on? Not honesty, so what sort of love was it? What matters is the gambling addiction and all that goes with it. The financial losses are just symptomatic of your compulsive need to bet.

IMO you're looking for quick solutions to a long term problem. This didn't happen overnight and it won't sort out overnight. It takes long term commitment and effort all round. You have to start somewhere, aim to fix you and let her fix her because you can't. Start by going to GA meetings, therapy, handing over financial control, setting up habitual barriers. Actions speak a lot louder than the most vocal and repeated intentions not to gamble again.

re her support, she's not the best person to understand. You'll get that at the GA rooms, she has to prop herself up, it's asking too much to think that she can also prop you up. The help's out there for both of you, do take it, regardless of whether she does.

KOKO.

CW

Yeah I know it's about trust. I know it's the gambling not the telling. I know I have to rebuild the trust. I also know my gambling was my way of coping with her unhappiness..a quick fix solution which was stupid and made it worse. Bizarrely in my twisted logic I gambled big to give us options as a couple in a tricky time

Sure but long term the best advice is to step out of your comfort zone and get help to fix you. Not easy but worth it.

Human imperfection, not inhuman perfection.

Stick with it,

CW

Well done for telling the truth pal genuinly I think it's one of hardest things about quitting.

Ideas of bridges etc don't be daft you've DONE the hardest bit now, by sounds of it your not a stupid person. You can't really be if you've got what you've got in life.

Focus on you, anyone who isn't going to back you don't worry about. Get as many blocks and help you can, don't go back to gamberling and your build your self back up. Your also feel a whole lot better as you have no more dirty secrets.

Gamberling has taken down bigger men and women then us.

Think positive think your going to smash this addiction and life and crack on mate

Good luck

Thanks for kind words. I'm getting out of the shadow. I told my mum today as I promised my wife I would. And that made me a lot more sad than telling my wife even. Mum's just think their sons are perfect...and I kmow she'll worry and worry and worry. I know families are the real victims - the gambler just has humiliation and delusion. Noone betrayed us.