Trust

Hi Leanne

I'm also the partner of a gambler. Are you sure he is ready to regain control of his finances? I understand you need to be able to trust him and want to give him the opportunity to prove himself but I would proceed with caution. Could you have online access to his account so you can check it together once a week? He sounds like he is trying to beat it so hopefully that wouldn't be a problem for him. I wish you all the best moving forward.

Hi,

Well I gave him back his card on Friday after he had been paid and after getting some money out for rent for his place, I thought it would be okay. I had an email come through yesterday saying his statement was ready to be viewed and I got the biggest shock when I did. He had gambled nearly £400 yesterday morning! We had been to betting shops on Friday to ban himself and I genuinely thought he was serious about me and about quitting gambling but clearly not. I told him we were finished and he admitted he needed help. I said I had given him so many chances to sort himself out, advised to speak to professionals and attend meetings and to ban himself and it took him months to ban himself with my help of course and he still gambled. I am absolutely devastated and completely broken but I knew I couldn't keep giving him chances. I wish you all the best with you partner and hopefully they will be able to turn their life around for you.

So sorry Leanne, I understand how you feel and why you have finsihed things, it is heartbreaking to read someone describing something i have been through too.

When you get to the point where it doesnt hurt too much to think about it all, keep in mind that he was serious about you, as much as you were about him, but the gambling addiction takes over everything, even love.Your emotional investment wasnt wasted, you did nothing wrong, quite the opposite, you tried to help, but you cant help those who cant help themselves. Keep your chin up as you go forward, dont let this stop you loving in the future. Break ups always feel like set backs, but whatever happens between the two of you in the future, this was a step forward.

Hi,

Thank you so much for your comment. Unfortunately I am really struggling at the moment with what he has done and the realisation that he is over. I think it's more sadness and relief as I have been dealing with this for a year now and I really thought things would be different but it clearly wasn't the case. Even his family are extremely angry with what he has done and for what he had put me through.

It wasnt your fault, youve done what a normal loving person does. I've seen that family anger too, they're stuck with him and he's burnt all his bridges! Gamblers make it impossible for everyone around them, be kind to yourself, you deserve some pampering and a new start.

Thank you, I hope in time I can get through this. I think it was just the final straw and he even after I said we were over, he has still been out gambling and confessed that he used some of his rent money to go out clubbing and to gamble. I just completely lost it and knew then that there was no going back.

Please help me guys! This week has been so hard without my partner and he has just told me that he has been trying to find the words to say to me for 2 days and they are that he doesn't want me to feel like he doesn't care about me anymore, he is so sorry and he knows he has blown it but he still has feelings for me and that he misses me. Truth is, I'm really struggling without him and I know he has done wrong and lied to me so many times but I don't know what to do. I've told him if things were to change he would need to do x,y and z but I don't want to risk it all and then he does it again! Is there anyone that has been in the same situation and gone back to their partner? Please help me, I'm so upset, I don't know what to do!

Take your time, slow down, tell him you need time, he will give you that if he cares.

Living with an addict is hard, even if they are in recovery. You need to know you are financially safe and you need some emotional armour too really, all those things we grew up believing relationships were aren't true anyway, but they really get shaken up in a relationship where addiction is a factor, get lots of advice, take your time.

It is possible to have a relationship with a CG but it's going to be different to what it was before, that wasn't working. this one painful episode won't change him, he needs time committed to a programme such as the one GA will offer and your well within your rights to want to wait and see how committed to that he is. You have time.

Take your time, slow down, tell him you need time, he will give you that if he cares.

Living with an addict is hard, even if they are in recovery. You need to know you are financially safe and you need some emotional armour too really, all those things we grew up believing relationships were aren't true anyway, but they really get shaken up in a relationship where addiction is a factor, get lots of advice, take your time.

It is possible to have a relationship with a CG but it's going to be different to what it was before, that wasn't working. this one painful episode won't change him, he needs time committed to a programme such as the one GA will offer and your well within your rights to want to wait and see how committed to that he is. You have time.

Hi Pangolin,

Thank you for your comment. Luckily while I was single, I was saving up as much money as I could just for safety in the future, luckily my ex-partner doesn't know how much I have in there as I didn't want him to take advantage of me and just want me for my money. I spoke to my mum about how I was feeling but unfortunately, she has told me that if i were to get back with him that the family will turn their back on me. She said we wouldn't cut you off completely, but we would have to leave you to it. It was incredibly hard and emotional hearing those words but it has put me in a very awkward and emotional situation as I am now battling with my feelings for both my family and my ex-partner.

I have spoken to my ex-partner about what would need to change if things were to change but as per usual, he just reads my texts and then doesn't reply making me question what his true intentions are.

its going to be really hard if he cant commit to a conselling or a GA programme. I think your family's fears are understandable, but it's your life and your decisions, no rush. no one here will judge you whatever you decide to do, takesome time for yourself to relax too, the strain of all this is alot to put up with. i recommend chocolate.

Hi Leanne,

I think panogin is right - take your time. I just want to say that on your other post you said 'deep down I know I've made the right decision'. I understand the dilemma- my heart tells me- I must help him, he's ill, he would do the same for me etc. but my sensible head says- really? I can't trust him, he's a liar, he can't stop etc. What are your latest thoughts?

Hi thank you for your comments, I really do appreciate them. I forgot to say earlier that I am still living at home with my family so I would have to move out if I were to go back to him. It would be a massive decision. Katiecola, I feel exactly that at the moment. I'm chatting to him now and he can't see what a negative impact 2 of his closest friends are. He never let me meet them so I had only had his and his mum's words to go by. I told him that he would need to get rid of them to make a positive change to his life but he won't do it. He said he would always put me first and he never did because he would put clubbing and drinking with his 'friends' above spending decent amounts of time with me. He's now asking me what do I want to do, he has really confused me. Earlier I knew that it was the right decision to leave him and then he played with my emotions and I feel like I'm back at square one again but he is a liar and I don't think he has made any attempt to get himself some help by the sounds of things, even though he said he will.

Hi Leanne

I'm gonna be really honest here. From what you are saying the signs don't look too positive. If I wasn't married with 2 children and the wrong side of 40 I'm not sure I would be hanging in like I am. Having said that only you know if you think he's worth it. It's a big decision so take your time. I think your family obviously feel really strongly about it and they only have your best interest at heart.

I am still in a complete quandary about my relationship so I'm not really in a position to give advise!

I still change my mind all the time. Just messes with your head doesn't it?