HI there,
I'm new to post on here, although I've been around for quite some time.
I'm going to prefix this my saying that I know that my situation is comparitably minor compared to some of the heartache experienced on this forum. I suppose I have no idea where else to turn to.
Background
Approximately 18 months ago, my boyfriends gambelling resulted in him taking all the money we both had to live off (we had just moved in together and had a joint account for our rent money, food money, bills etc as we are both mature students so recieve it in lump sums). I was crushed, never having considered I couldn't trust him, and not seeing the changes in him (I did see them, and when questoned, he explaine dit was because somthing I was doing and I was quick to accept this explanation..which may well be true, however he had been gambelling in secret for many many months). I didn't know what to do, so I pulled my the inheritance money I had been fortunately left to cover what had been lost so we could stay in the flat, and worked as much as I could so we could get by. He promised it would never happen again (and promised very much else, delete accounts etc) and we started to try and make it work again.
I wouldn't say I completely trusted him, but I was well on the way to. That was until about 9 months ago, when he fell asleep and the online betting shop emailed him. It popped up on his phone. I can't totally explain the feeling, but it wasn't good. I tried to talk to him about it, he got angry and eventually I had to leave for a while, as I knew that if he didn't think he had a problem, we coulnd't be together. Two months later, he decided to stop, and took it a little more seriously this time (refused to get professional help, but bought books etc), and he said that his recovery would be dependant on me staying living with him so we stayed together.
Problem
Fastforward until now, I still can't trust him, and it is eating into every facet of our relationship. I wish I could, but I just don't know how. It's getting worse. I second guess what he says if his expression of emotion doesn't match up with how he says he feels, he gets frequently angry and frustrated, and we get stuck in argumentative cycles for days, weeks, months. He has changed a lot over the last 2 years, he's angry a lot, which leads him to be disrespectful and rude and he'll stay angry for days and won't even look at me, he's very serious and stern and iI feel quite nervous around him. He's been studying intensively, which is definitely contributing, but I know that it's my not trusting him still that causes a lot of this and I can't imagine how frustring it is for him and why he wants to get angry at me because it makes him feel like he's not a "bad guy". Trust doens't come easy for me at the best of times, and I don't know what to do.
I know if some of the many promises were to materialise, I might find it easier as this does not help but I don't feel like I can say that because he gets angry that he doesn't think I'm caring about his feelings in this too and care about him too. This results in him not talking to me for days, and i find the way he speaks to me when he's angry for so long pretty upsetting (which probably doens't help the trust stuff). I think it's safe to say, the love we have for eachother has taken a serious beating from this.
Does anyone have any advice on how they began to trust their significant human (partner, wife, child etc) after breaches of trust? Is it possible, what was needed to fascilitate it... or am I flogging a dead horse?
Thanks in advace for your help.
A x
Hi A it's such a shame to read this. It doesn't matter how much heartache or loss their is, the active gambler will treat you badly. You paying for everything is not good either. Regardless of his money dilemma he still should contribute to everyday stuff, bills, rent. Trust yourself, trust your instinct. You think he's gambling? He's not showing you that he isn't. Is he going to GA? Got more money? A gambler will treat you badly if you let them. Why would you trust someone who isn't being part of a relationship, ignoring you, blaming you? All classic signs. So move the focus to yourself. What are you willing to put up with? How many chances? Personally I think significant others need help and support living with a compulsive gambler. Find a gamanon meeting, talk to gamcare. This is a lifelong addiction that is very well hidden and very damaging to all who come into contact with it. what is trust? The only person you can trust is yourself.
Sorry to hear what’s happening.
re trust, the person who you should be trusting in the first instance is yourself. You know that something is not right, your instinct is telling you so and that warning should be taken seriously. You’ve experienced what happens when you don’t.
re trusting your bf, it’s very unwise to trust someone who hasn’t earnt your trust and is unable to demonstrate reliability. Love and trust are not the same thing. I don’t love the bank clerk but I trust him or her to deal with my money correctly. I don’t love my doctor but I operate on the assumption that she has my best interests in mind. I do not trust my husband with the family wealth and won’t again because last time ended badly. However, I do trust him to be faithful to me and I trust him in the context of dealing with the children because he is reliable in these areas.
The other aspect is that trust is not going to influence someone else’s behaviour. It’s not fair to manipulate him by giving him your trust as a gift, wrapped up in expectations about how he’s going to behave with it. Trust is not a reward for good behaviour and taking it away isn’t a punishment for bad behaviour.
Therefore the advice is not to blindly trust again, follow your heart if you must but take your brain with you. Protect yourself and look after your own interests because he can’t do it for you.
You didn’t Cause the gambling, you can’t Control the gambling and you can’t Cure the gambling. Gamblers are master liars and manipulators and it helps no one if you cooperate with their sick agenda. The answers for you about how you live your life lie with you. Educate yourself about addiction and the best help available is at GamAnon meetings.
Focus on you.
CW
Sorry to see this.
First thing to say is his recovery is down to him. Telling you it's dependent on you or anything else is false and manipulative. He's the one who makes the choices and nothing you do or say including living with him influences that.
If he really means what he says about recovery he will understand your lack of trust and he won't pressurise you about it. He lost the right to call the shots when he stole from you and lied to you. I have only relatively recently been able to bring myself to allow Mr L potential access to a limited amount of savings and it's in accounts I look at very regularly. Virtually everything is in my sole name and will remain that way. He can look at the bank accounts any time he likes (never actually asks) but he will never have unscrutinised access to them again.
Your boyfriend hasn't had nearly enough time to prove anything at all about his recovery. Trust your instincts. Protect your finances and put your interests first. Don't be manipulated into anything anything you're not comfortable with.
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