Hello,
I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years (he is 27 i am 33), and he is an intermittent gambler. He predominantly uses online roulette platforms.
There have been about 5 occasions during our relationship where he has lost monumentally - for example, a 1,000 in one session.
My boyfriend has had a tumultuous life since I met him. His father died unexpectedly when he was 21 - i met him when he was 22, although his gambling had started before his dad's passing.
I keep on enabling him and I know this is wrong. I do it to keep the peace because if i dont, I just hear him moan, complain and emotionally deplete the hell out of me in phone conversations.
The past 12 months he has personally come on leaps and bounds with - not the gambling issue - but with his life development. He passed an Access course and has now started University.
2 weeks ago he blew 1,000 of his student loan leaving him with absolutely nothing. I felt sick to my stomach. I agreed to pay him 35 per week for 3 months and then he will pay me back - allegedly (never does in the past, but has never had a stable job). I gave him his first 35 3 days ago, it's gone already (he needed stationery etc). I was livid.
His mum knows about his gambling in the past. I have had to come clean to his mum (who has bailed him out many a times), to say 'this is why we have been arguing/falling out'. Then when his mum and stepdad confront him, he's furious because I have told them, and then i get threatened with being dumped because I betrayed his trust.
I am the only one who knows about this recent gambling situation, so I am bearing the brunt of having to hear him moan and complain about not being able to survive on 35pw as a student - it's just never enough and having been a student myself (graduated last year), I know it's doable. He's just awful with managing money. His mum has always paid his rent/food since I have known him, other than the odd 3-6 month stint where he gets a job and even then he cant look after himself (he went to boarding school and has had everything handed to him on a plate all his life). Me? Im a working class workaholic who has to support myself.
Oh yes - I am unemployed too. I was made redundant 5 months ago (no pay off), and have been sleeping on a friend's sofa whilst I struggle to look for work. His problems now exacerbate mine and it's making me feel ill.
I want to tell his mum because I can't do this anymore. I can't do it on my own with no job and home. We have never lived together, which is probably a good thing.
His mum and stepdad are fairly financially secure - (hes a former pilot looking for a new job).
I just know every week that 35 i pay him wont be enough, and he'll complain that he can't socialize with his housemates (he lives in halls), or he needs a 'new' this or that.
Should I share the burden of responsibility? It comes as a risk - if he gets exposed - it's likely I will be dumped or cause additional stress I cant deal with right now.
I appreciate how hard an addiction is and how it is breaking his confidence and trust in himself. I can't be looking after a near 27 yo man, as a 33yo unemployed woman who doesn't have a home of her own - he doesn't seem to realise this.....
Hello 🙂
Thanks for your post - its nice to speak to someone who is going through the same thing.
I think the hardest thing is letting go of them, because that's the only solution - they need to hit rock bottom before they really do realize its a problem that needs sorting. It's not because I don't love him, it's because it's affecting my life massively and I care about loving myself also.
How often does your boyfriend gamble? Do you live together? How does he gamble (shop or online). Do his parents know? I feel like I have to act as a councilor, aswell as an ATM.
Emma x
'it makes me question why he is with me...' - i think the same. Although I do know he loves me, but feel he loves my convenience and generosity more...
Do not, whatever you do, find that 2200 - that is a huge amount of money and I certainly wouldnt go out of my way to cover that. I never bail him out in in large amounts, it's usually, 20 here, 5 there, etc. But it all adds up. How would you even go about finding 2200?!?!
Must be the bookies - them stand alone fixed odds betting machines are like *** C*****e. My boyfriend used to use them alot, but prefers online roulette more for some reason.
What does he do for a job?
My boyfriend is very open and honest about his gambling, and id prefer i knew, than didn't, although i can tell when he has (if he has lost moreso). I am the only one he will tell when he has lost big, or just gambling in general. He hates the shame it brings, so by only telling me, he doesnt have to worry about being ashamed to other people. Problem with that is, I carry the burden, when I want to share it with others. I wont even tell my friends because I am so ashamed.
You see, I dont mind the odd betting, but only if there are no consequences (i.e asking me to cover his losses). For example, if for arguments sake, he gets paid every day, he knows he wont have to suffer for long without money, so wouldnt ask me to cover his losses. But, in this current situation, his next student loan isnt until January, which means I have to support him for the next 3 months. I agreed I would do his CV for him and he would look for a job - too bloody right.
He gets angry/frustrated at me when he thinks I am 'berating him' or 'having a go at him' because im basically pointing out what a failure he is. My argument though, is that if he doesnt burden me with his moaning/complaining about how life is s**t, then i wont react with similar behaviour.
Can you imagine what it would be like living with them? We are planning to next summer, move in together, and only then i could manage the money, but at the same time i think it would be a stupid thing to do.
Can't believe you haven't seen him for 2 weeks - that is very unusual for a serious relationship if you both live in the same town. Does he just go off the radar? Does he phone/text you every other day? Who does he live with?
I am so angry with myself that I dont have the strength to walk away. I find the thought of the pain i'd experience, unbearable to the pain im experiencing dating a gambler.
I suppose one positive thing (if there can be one), is that now he has blown that money, he wont now gamble because he can't. Once he has had a massive fall, it puts him off gambling for a few months. But i suppose thats only because he doesnt have the money to. He gets about 3500 student loans in January, and will pay me back what i have/will loan. I just dread he repeats the same thing when he has that sort of money again. Hopefully this has scared him off, because there is no effing way I can cover his losses again like i am now. I would tell his mum next time in all honesty.
If I were his Mum I’d want to know. I havnt been on this site for years. My son was a gambler, sounds pretty much like your boyfriend. In the end I had to take control of his finances as it all came to a head and that was the only way I’d agree to help him sort his life out after after many failed attempts.  As soon as his wages hit his bank account it was transferred into mine and I gave him an allowance that we agreed together was fine. Yea he has had blips over the years. It’s  9 years ago now. He has changed dramatically. He is now happily married, is the best Daddy to his Child and after wrecking his credit score whilst gambling, was able to build it back up and is now a home owner. It was an extremely difficult fight but he got there in the end. They have to want to do it to make it succeed. He made his then girlfriend aware and she took over the finances after me, now they run them together. I wish you all the luck. It’s so easy to slip into it but so difficult to get out of it.Â
I read your post and felt really worried you may be experiencing emotionally abusive behaviour which is clearly also financially abusive. Look after yourself if you can find the strength! You matter too and you are not the person who betrayed anyone!
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Hello @emma33uk and everyone on this thread,
Just want to offer support as it sounds as though you've all had or are having bad experiences with your loved ones.Â
No one should feel that they have to give someone money to avoid emotional manipulation. This is financial and emotional abuse. You can read more about that at Refuge's website: https://www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/recognising-abuse/
And being put under pressure to keep the gambling secret puts more pressure on you and enables the gambling to continue.Â
The decision about whether to stop financially supporting a loved one who gambles, or stop keeping their gambling a secret from others is a very difficult one, and it sounds as though you have given thought to the pros and cons of this. But you don't have to carry this burden alone. There is support out there. You can contact the GamCare Helpline if you've time, on 0808 8020 133 or by Livechat. We are there 24/7 so you can contact us when it suits you. There are also support groups run by GamAnon UK or GamAnon Scotlandwhich can offer fellowship and perspective from others who have been where you are.Â
You may also want to try our family and friends chatroom on Mondays at 11.30am if the time works for you.
Take care and keep posting,
Deirdre
Forum Admin
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