Understanding

I felt a huge sense of relief when I came clean. I wouldn’t say I was happy, I was in huge amounts of debt but knowing I didn’t have to burdon the gambling in my own head was a massive release. 

How is your daughter dealing with the debt? I would say that if you have sorted that out for her, and I don’t blame you if you have, every parent would want to do this, she will have no accountability for her actions and you are essentially enabling her to return to gambling. She will feel happy that’s she’s essentially got away with her actions simply by telling you about it. If she has no debt I doubt she is done with gambling. It’s been a free ride up until now and she’s got away with it. It will only continue unless she takes positive steps. Have a good chat with her and allow her to be angry but see if she really understands how her life could turn out if she continues to gamble and if she really understands that this is a lifelong challenge.

I don’t know the full story in your situation but accountability and owning your actions and the consequences where a huge part of my recovery (83 days gamble free) and I’ll be living with those consequences for the rest of my life. 

I hope this helps a little, and please let us know how you get on.

Hi I put daughter as was concerned my son may see this but it is actually my son, I don’t know why I put daughter I worried. Anyway he has no debt but has lost 15k in savings. He cried and said he has been so anxious. I have not given any money he now has little to survive on for rest of month but I said he needs to manage it and make it last until end of month and that his actions have put him in this position. I will not give him money. I will support him to get better . He said yesterday he wants to be happy to feel happy and he cried again but said talking about it reminds him of what he has done. We agreed to talk once a week. I said I don’t care if he hates me but I will be monitoring him and his bank account every week now. I guess I just don’t understand how he can feel happier , relief I am assuming. 

Hi, 

For me it was a HUGE relief to open up. I felt so exhausted physically and mentally with all the lies I told and for keeping this massive secret. 

He has lost a lot of money, but it has gone now. The only way for him to move forward is to forget about it. This means you will have to as well! The more he thinks about it, the likelihood is he’ll want to go back to gambling to try and get it back.

I took out a huge amount of debt in my husband’s name without him knowing, but both of us have had to let that go. I wouldn’t be where I am today if we hadn’t. Currently 330 days gamble free.

He needs to take one day at a time and with your help and support, it will be a lot easier, but he has to be completely transparent! If he has nothing to hide anymore, he’ll answer all your questions and will show you his account. 

Claire x

I think you have a sensible plan moving forward, as long as he accepts your help. He will get angry with you checking his account. It will feel like he has no control, but he has to understand that its for his benefit. It will be tough for both of you in the coming days and weeks but if you both want to be happy you can get through this.

It's hard to understand the burden being a gambler puts on you. I've never felt a release like it when I came clean and begged for help. My whole world was destroyed from that moment on, and I knew it, but I slept like a baby that night. I was happier than I'd been in a long time. Strange thing to try and understand if you've not experienced it. Your son may just be relieved that he thinks its over and he can try and live a normal life again. As long as he realises it's not quite as easy as that and he will have to put the work in. My concern is that you are on here and he's not. I hope he does take this seriously and accepts the help that is available to him, and you.

Good luck

Thank you all for your replies they have really helped me to understand. My son is having 1-1 therapy and group therapy sessions. I will do my upmost to support him and he understands for me to support I need honesty from him and I will be checking his bank account every week. He has also agreed to give me his monthly savings to put away. I just hope and pray he can overcome this terrible thing, thanks everyone for chatting x

Hi

I was not able to abstain from gambling but was told that when I felt emotionally vulnerable go to more meetings.

My emotional triggers were my anger and pains I could not heal.

My emotional triggers were my fears that I could not face or reduce.

My emotional triggers were due my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations and I use to hurt my self.

My emotional triggers were due to my boredom because I was not being productive in healthy ways.

My emotional triggers were my loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy and my hurt inner child protecting him self.

I am a non religious person yet the recovery program helped me became a much healthier person.

Gambling was a way of me escaping when I felt emotionally vulnerable.

Gambling was an unhealthy self destructive habit and very painful stressful life..

Just for today I do not want to gamble.

Just for today I do not need to gamble.

Gambling is not for me in any way.

I want to live a much healthier life today with out any gambling what so ever.

For me recovery means healing and becoming healthy.

No one could stop me gambling that was going to be my own choice.

I have beeen in recovery over 50 years which is about a third of my life.

The addictions and obsesssions were just the symptoms that I was emorionaly vulnerable.

By going to meetings lead to healthy emotional intimacy with my self   and then with other people.

Only when I loved my self could I love other people.

Only when I respected my self could I respect other people.

During my addiction money was just  the fuel for my addiction.

Money had no value.

I had no value in my self.

Dave L