Determined to keep a diary

That amazing fish your on the plus side of life non addict take stuff like this for granted the only good outcome i see me personality as an addict i was use to surviving on little money so if i need to cut down on expenses i just know how i can do it im actually spending more money on myself when i want almost feels like i have had new lifestyle it shows the 18 years i was gambling i wasent actually spending and the rare wins only went back to gambling its funny how life works out im working less then i ever did yet i have savings not borrowing any money and even few people owe me money almost feels like i have come into money even have an expensive hobby which i enjoy it all works out in the end i believe the last time i was gamble free i never really did anything with the money and it all went back when i starter relapsing this time i see the benefits and i want this new life to continue 

Thanks both. Fully agree @tazman, it is like a new life. Funny to think that this is what people who don't gamble experience all the time. We've missed out on years of this! Love the fact you have an expensive hobby. This is honestly what I thought life would be like when that big win came (which it obviously didn't). Turns out we only need to quit gambling to have a good life.

I wonder how much money I could save if I lived like I used to live. Surviving off nothing. I got quite good at it. I'm still quite frugal though. It's just nice to be able to treat myself when I want. I bought a treadmill today. My new place is big enough for one, so this weekend the fitness push begins. Wish I had one when I was at my lowest. Nothing like working up a sweat to take your mind off things. Would have helped with urges.

Back to work. Hopefully get some decent time off soon.

Stay strong 👍 

Day 437

Busy busy busy, but life is good. Lots of work, lots of overtime, but a happy life. Sad to read some people starting out, and I cant help thinking about how I felt during those first few days. It's horrible. It's beyond horrible. The only positive is that if I'm reading about it, someone has made the conscious effort to take back control. That makes me happy. Things only get better when you make it get better and by accepting you have a problem and coming on here you have begun that journey.

Keep reading the diaries and posts and take all the advice given. Read the success stories too. Aim to be one of them. These show that this can be beaten. Never fully, the risk is always there, but people do come through this and go on to be happy people.

Stay strong 👍 

Really thoughtful post Weirdfish. You and your diary are helping so many people (including me).

You have a lot to be proud for☺️

Em x

Day 446

Time flies by now, but I still keep coming back here. I've found myself scrolling on my phone and seeing gambling videos appear. It has seen me tempted. I'm not going to waiver but it sucks how everywhere is a reminder. About time they banned adverts etc for gambling like they did with smoking. Cigarette banners used to be on formula 1 cars and sport shirts. All over the place. This has now been replaced with gambling sponsors. Mad how such an addictive and destructive 'hobby' can be plastered around the place. Anyway, this place keeps me sane and reminds me of the damage it can cause.

Great to see some of the newer members interacting with others. Really does help sharing experiences and having someone comment on your progress is a massive boost. 

In other news, I bought myself some new clothes for my holiday. Just under 3 weeks to go. Can't wait. Been a long year with many hours worked so will be good to get away and chill for a week. Will be so good to have money to spend too. My credit score dropped by 174 points because I moved home, but this report has now gone up 400 points 🤣 . This is the highest its been for a long time. Very happy with that. Hard work is finally paying off. Credit score jumping up, money in the bank and a holiday on the horizon. Life is good!!

Stay strong, and thanks for the lovely comment @Em1978

@p6z38njbqm Hey Fish

God those gambling adverts drive me nuts and the amount of daily text messages I get offering me ridiculous amounts (like £500-£750) of free cash money on what are blatantly scam casinos makes me want to declare war on anything and everything gambling related! 

stay focussed on that holiday Fish, it’s going to be GREAT!

and well done on the improved credit report. You’re definitely winning EVERY. SINGLE. DAY

Em x

@p6z38njbqm . Fabulous news Fish 🐟👌. Such a good feeling and boost when you see your credit score go up 👏👏. Mine has not gone up anywhere near as yours but you know my saying - “slow and steady wins the race”!😊.

Lovely too, when you can treat yourself to some new clothes without worrying about how you are going to afford them.

You thoroughly deserve the holiday and even more so, the break away from your heavy work shifts over the last twelve plus months 💪👏👏👏.

Take care and enjoy the rest of your week.

Your friend Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Well done Fish, it's great to see your in a strong financial place after your journey, it's amazing to see you rebuild now!  I hope that one day I took can be ok this place.  Huge well done mate 

Hi Fish,

I know exactly what you mean about the gambling adverts they are everywhere. I even watched a simple YouTube video the other day and the advert proudly announced that they were and online site not on GAMSTOP. It literally disgusted me.

Glad to see you're doing so well. I took have had my credit score rise to the highest it's been for a very long time (still not great though). We're clearly moving in the right direction.

Enjoy the holiday!

Amazing mate u have come very far so it possible i am on day 711 this time it different had i come on here early i believe things could have been different it going to take me few years to rebuild even 10% off my losses would make a huge difference and these regrets are hard to let go i did go on few trips however it will be next year or year after before i go on a proper hoilday u are doing great mate keep it up👍

Hi Fish.  Good to check in after a long time and see you are still doing ok.  All the best in the world to you 

Fantastic stuff Fish. Absolutely delighted to see you're still staying strong even in the face of temptation.

Gambling adverts are absolutely ridiculous. It seems like every other advert is a gambling one. There's no need for it.

Enjoy your holiday, it's well earned and deserved.

Day 0

i have a story to tell!

So I had the best holiday ever. I felt invincible, money to spend, woman of my dreams, amazing pace to live, not a care in the world. Tonight I had a few drinks. I got an email from a casino I’d closed down. It said my account had been reopened. I didn’t ask for this. A few drinks later I logged in to see if it was true. Suddenly I saw the games I used to love. I turned it off but shortly after I was in again. Small deposit. It can’t hurt. Honestly it was like I was possessed. No major damage, but allot more than I would like to admit. It was like money was not a thing anymore. Luckily, I came to my senses, but I did deposit several times. It was genuinely scary. I wasn’t me. I tried to reason but this power took over. Finally I came to my sense before I ruined everything again. Now I’ll be tight for the month. Not skint. Not in debt; but not where I was. 

I said I’d be honest in here. Maybe my absence has got to me. I thought I’d stay away after my holiday. Life was perfect. Turns out the demon was there waiting. 

im not ashamed to be on zero days. I’m ashamed of my actions, but resetting the clock is a massive wake up call. I’ll never be better. I’ll never be able to play slots. My work phone was my in. That’s getting handed back ASAP! 

To those who have followed me, let this be a lesson. There is no fix. Almost 500 days, like so many others and 1 moment of madness, and the clock is reset. I’ve been fortunate. I had some savings. I still have some but now I’m sitting here imagining what I could have bought with that. 

Honestly I thought I had the dream life. I DID have the dream life, I just couldn’t shake that demon one time. Now the dream life is on hold for a few months to get me back to where I was. 

Hope everyone is well. Hope this hits home with someone. Honesty with yourself is the most important thing. Time to rebuild the clock and the bank balance and realise this doesn’t go away. 

Stay strong 💪 

I am sorry to hear this mate this is exactly what i did previously after being 3 years clean i felt exactly the same like i was possessed unfortunately i had no support and had many relapses due to that relapse this is what the addiction can do get it blocked off and any other websites i realised i can abstain from gambling but never be cured👍

Hey Fish,

I'm sorry to hear this. I know it must be a hard pill to swallow but we're all here because we have this demon. I've been getting tempted recently and I dont know whats happened, I was fine, doing well and then bam, Temptation hits! 

Well done for coming to your senses quickly and not destroying the progress you worked so hard for. I remember when I saw an addiction counsellor years ago, she told me that 1 episode of gambling is not enough to rewire the brain back into its old ways. It takes a complete binge session. Its the stopping thats shows your strength, not the lapse highlighting your weakness.

Don't go too hard on yourself, brush it off and stand taller and stronger for the next round. 

Clover