Unreasonable?

From this individual gambler in recovery's perspective, i'm not going to say your being unreasonable. Seperating the human being from the addiction and its actions isn't easy - for the gambler or their family. Be kind to yourself and perhaps give yourself a bit of time to work through all this. Have you and your husband sought counselling support? Has your husband sought extra help for this gambling recovery? Sure some of the family members will be on soon but i wanted to say hi and reassure you your not alone. Tri x

Hi, Kat,

Are you quite sure that he has stopped? It's easy enough to make promises to get you off his back but actions speak louder than words. I found that out the hard way first time round. You should have full financial control and drip feed him minimal cash, he should be attending GA meetings, have blocking software, be self excluded etc. If these measures are not in place, beware. Also it's recommended to get credit reports in your name and his so that the debt is ascertained. If he doesn't cooperate, tells you it's not necessary, you should trust him etc, it's ominous.

My CG husband stopped gambling about nine months ago after some fifteen to twenty years of lies, manipulation and deceit. He had cleared out the children's savings, and when it finally came to light, he was told to get help or get out. We now have high barriers (self exclusion, blocks on computers, non internet mobile, I have full financial control, I do regular credit checks) and he goes to regular GA meetings. But our relationship is fraught, not surprisingly. He wants to focus on moving forward and I want him to clear up the emotional mess first. Also, in our case, he stopped last summer but his addict thinking is only just about starting to possibly change (ie it is improving but our relationship is so fraught that I don't trust him to maintain the improvements).

re the four pints, I'm not saying that four pints equals alcoholism but cross addiction does happen. It is possible for an addict to abstain but not change the addict thinking and when this happens, the type of addiction changes eg from drinking to gambling or drugs. If he has or is developing a drinking addiction, he'll tell you that you're nagging about nothing, you begrudge him his social life etc.

Active CGs do blame you, manipulate you, tell you that the problem lies with you...because then it doesn't lie with them. In your case, he should understand that your issue is with him going back on his word and not having the courtesy to tell you his plans. Addicts are immature and selfish. The question for you is whether or not to tolerate it, he will dish out what you will take.

I would advise you to read the forum and if you can, go to GamAnon meetings. Then you will be better equipped to recognise the manipulation and to make what decisions you need to.

Also, put yourself first, look after yourself, otherwise you'll end up overwhelmed by it all.

Take care,

CW

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Hey love...sorry you find yourself in this position....I'm the compulsive gambler in my marraige....and yes my addiction is immature and selfish...but me as a person...am most deffinatley not....i think you have to separate the two....I never set out to become a compulsive gambler....my hubby and family are supporting me ...all blocks are in place so I can't gamble...and finances are transparent....yes I do make sure I do as I say I will...I totally respect hubbies feelings and do everything I can to reasure him of my on going recovery....but I want to be free of this vile addiction....and it's support us compulsive gamblers need...not punishment...or judgement....my marraige ..strangley enough is now better than its been in 25 years....and that's because we have left the past in the past and moved on.....please ring gamcare love....they are the professional's and talking to them will help you understand the addiction....as gamblers we are told we have to let go of our losses before we can begin recovery....I think the same stands for f/f...you have to let go of the pain..lies...deceit....before you can move on with the relationship....like us gamblers...if you can't let go...how do you move on....I really wish you and your hubby well...take one day at a time....maybe try to get him on here...good luck love x

Hi Katb I'm sorry your having such a hard time. It's still early days for you and yes it will be taking up your every thought because that's what this addiction does to the cg and the families, it takes over everyone's lives. Have a read around the forum there really are relationships that do move on, your husband has not gambled for two months which is really positive. It is not going to be easy to trust him for a while. Try and sit down and make a plan together. It is my 25 year old son who is the cg so slightly different for me. When I found out about it in November i joined here to find out as much information as I could in order to help him. Believe me, some of the replies terrified me, I didn't think my son even had a future! But he has! And slowly things have improved. I don't like having to follow his every move but I am prepared to do it. You have to ask yourself if you love this man and if you are prepared to put the work in to save and move forward with your future with him. He has to work hard to show you he is dedicated to overcoming his addiction by putting in as many blocks possible. The 'other side' of the forum have helped me to understand this addiction, we all work together on this forum. I wish you both well x wcid

Hello KatB

Even when the gambling stops in a relationship, the problems don't go away overnight. It sounds painful and frustrating what you're going through. Have you considered getting some free counselling for yourself? Or just letting off steam by calling an Advisor on the GamCare Helpline? We're here 8am til middnight every day.

I hope you're having a better day today, and please, keep posting.

Best wishes

Forum Admin