When I meet my current boyfriend (28), 2 years ago, I was head over heels in love. He was the sweetest, nicest person, I could talk to him for days on end. He has a good job, always the life of the party. Absolute joy to be around.
Not too long in he admitted that he's previously had problems with gambling and has gambled away money he got from his deceased grandparents. It was about 50,000. As it was years before we meet and never had a clue what gambling truly is, I kinda let it slip. All I knew that his parents sorted him out and his now on a debt plan for few more years to repay 80,000 pounds he gambled away.
I never realised the true consequences to his gambling. After a year in the relationship, I started to get suspicious that somethings not right, he was withdrawn and had little desire to do anything ever. As a unconfident woman my first thought was "he's cheating!!" and i confroted him about my suspicions. Only after talking for good few hours he came out that he has gambled away a lot of money. I was relieved, cause i thought its stupid, and easy to overcome, and that time we was living separate and i wasnt concerned about his money as i had a good job and I was taking care of myself. He promised me that he would never gamble again. And I believed him, cause i really wanted that to be true.
We're almost two years in our relationship and we have recently moved in together, which has taken me to move from different city and getting a new job and starting a new life here.
It all started again about six months ago, he was constantly on his phone, someone was always texing and messaging him, anything i was saying went straight over his head, most of the times he didnt even acknowledge i was talking. He was always in a bad mood, and then again in a really good mood. He often got an envelope of cash for me to put in his bank. It was never less then a grand, sometimes even 2,000-3,000 3-4 times a month. I asked where is that money from and he just came up with excuses that its from work and i always took his word for it. I knew in the back of my mind that somethings not right, but i just really didnt want to admit to myself that ive been so naive again and let him pull it over me. I didnt want to admit its a serious ongoing addiction. we had arguments more and more, and it was tiring as much as physically as emotionally. I was constantly worried and exhausted from the stress we was both having.
one day, i saw him on his phone, on a gambling app. and it all made sense to me. its like i could finally put the pieces together. And he admitted it all. He apologised again and again. Saying all the things i wanted to hear, like he will never do it again and it was for a reason. he even admitted that he is addicted to gambling and needs my help to stop. But it wasnt anything i hadnt heard before. i really really tried to be understanding, tried to find a way for us to move from this, and simultaneously i blamed myself for his addiction. But he ended up deleting the app, and for a moment it was all fine. Seemed like we was getting somewhere. There was a potential for future again.
we hadnt really spoke in last two days, so last night i asked whats up, said im fed up with this constant "lack of relationship". And there it was again. He's borrowed money off a mate to pay off his debt and gambled the rest to get a quick return. Obviously it didnt go that way, and he still owes about a grand (as far as I know) and all he could say is that no one understands how it is to be addicted to gambling. That being honest to me about his gambling isnt helping when all he needs is the money to settle his debts.
I dont know what to do anymore, I'm absolutely destruct cause I do love him, but I struggle to see a future for us, and we're way past the point of me threatning to leave him if it dont stop. He's sacrifised more then money for this, theres barely any relationship left.
The money would be the least of the worries, as all hes gambled has been his own, but I just want the person I fell in love back.
Hi Julie,
Thanks for your post and welcome to the forum. Sorry to hear about your situation; it sounds very stressful for you, and not at all the relationship you were hoping for. What do you want to do about things at this point? Does your boyfriend seem to make any efforts to change his behaviour or get actual help for his gambling? Do you get the sense that there's any motivation coming from him to quit gambling and turn his life around? If these answers are no, you might have some hard decisions to make. Remember that this isn't all about him. You have the right to a peaceful relationship, and one that's fulfilling and makes you feel cared about and respected. The person you fell in love with might still be in there somewhere, but if your boyfriend doesn't take active steps to change things, it's not likely you'll see that person anytime soon.
You are your first responsibility. There's only so much you can do for someone else, but there's a lot you can do for yourself. Remember that you're worthy of having a happy, peaceful life, too, and it's okay to do what you need to do to make that happen. If you'd like to chat with us about any of this, we're here for you as well, and we'd be happy to speak with you and give you some support. We're open on the Helpline (0808 8020 133) or the Netline from 8am to midnight every day.
Hope this helps, and hang in there.
Travis
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