What do I do for the best..

Hi Jx, welcome to the forum 🙂

Sorry to hear you're in this predicament but she's fooling herself because that's what addiction encourages us to do, justify, justify, justify! Chuck in a huge helping of blame and manipulation & it's very easy to see why no-one can trust an addict, least of all ourselves.

The best thing you can do right now is get educated on this & get yourself some real life support: from loved ones, GamAnon, the helpline, anywhere you can think of because living with an active CG is hell on Earth. In her defence, she may well have meant it when she said she'd stopped & didn't want to do it anymore, there's enough evidence of that all over this site but the harsh reality is we seldom just stop! Gambling isn't a financial problem (albeit it causes them) it is very much a mind problem & her using it to cope with her mother's death is quite likely although clearly to have been gambling for 14 years & using her late mother's account to do so would reek of this being a very small part of her justification. Doubling down (whatever that is) is further evidence of this, like people on their diaries saying they're playing demo games or watching U tube videos & it's helping them but then they go & relapse because actually all that does is fan the flames!

I learned my poor adult behaviours in a household of addiction (dad drank, mum gambled) & I look back on what I consider to be a pretty good childhood...Well, I learned not to drink that's for sure. Looking after your boy has to be a priority because she clearly isn't doing right by any of you @ the minute. Don't rush to trust, let her earn it & don't be hoodwinked into anything that doesn't feel right...We are masters of manipulation & she's had lots of years of practice. I would also say, don't rush to make any decisions & as best you can, look after you - ODAAT

Hi jx it's a big shock and you are stunned. I'm wife of cg and to us it is incomprehensible how you get into such debt. I'm glad your account is separate. I took over all finance when my cg went to GA, his salary paid into my account. He stopped for a year and unknown to me still continued with small change and other money he got his hands on. 12 years later he is back at GA. I go to gamanon. If you can get to a meeting you will be given lots of advice and support. It does help if you can do this together. Debts can be manageable, make it last as long as possible as constant reminder. It's a difficult addiction to beat and my cg doesn't have money anymore, has to show receipts if he goes to get shopping. You can get online blocking software for all pc/phones/tablet. Get credit reports. Gambling feeds on secrets and lies. As odaat says those games just make it worse. Ask questions on here too to help you find out more. Call gamcare. Look after your money, don't pay her debt. Your wife needs to find support and help too, GA, gamcare, agencies that advise on debt and if she wants counselling. I don't think you can do this alone. It's a rocky road. Keep posting

She says she wants to give up. There are things she can do which will eliminate her access to gambling and the cash that feeds it with immediate effect. Has she suggested any of them? Is she planning on getting herself counselling or going to GA meetings?

Harsh truth is if she doesn't want to give up she won't whatever promises she makes. You need to see solid provable action from her starting with seeing her credit reports from all three agencies and her handing over all financial control to you. Put your own and your son's interests first and ringfence your finances. Don't trust a word she says without seeing proof for yourself. Read up on the addiction and decide what you want need and deserve from a life partner.

Dear all

Many thanks for your responses and apologies for the late reply!

Lethe & Merry go round - Once she told me about the gambling she then did 6 sessions/weeks of counselling and since then nothing. She has not attended any meetings and as far as i am aware has not looked into any advice or groups online. She has taken up fishing a couple times a week which she says helps to keep her mind off things but should i believe that 2 days fishing is an instant cure?

As the debt was quite large and 2 years previous she had consolidated cards etc the only option was for her to take out an IVA which has been successfully set up over 5 years and in the mean time she puts a certain amount of money into my account. This started out as all of her wages minus her direct debits. Now i only get a certain amount put into my account and she keeps the rest which other than the direct debits i have no idea what it is being spent on.. This has raised alarm bells in my head.. Should i be concerned? We have always had seperate accounts and that i am glad of!!

ODAAT- So was i right be be concerned about the casino games? Will this eventually lead to a relapse? She seemed very surprised when i mentioned that playing them was not a good idea and has said she will stop... This i am dubious of..

I have lived through addiction before as my mother is a recovering/recovered alcoholic so i know roughly what to expect with the lies and deceit.. Living through the alcoholism has led to me have trust issues which i think are justified and again i am reliving this with the gambling.. My partner has said that im the one who needs to seek counselling for these trust issues and she maybe right but at the same time i wouldnt have these issues if she wasnt lying to me! Am i right to feel like this? My head is in a total spin at the moment. I seem to be feeling guilty for her downfall!

Again any advice gratefully received. Thank you.

Hi jx the money being kept for herself would trigger my suspicions. If you can get to a meeting. Call gamcare. All have sound advice. It's not an instant cure, it's a lifelong battle. My cg has gambled off and on 30 years, we are back to meetings. Just for today is all it can be. You are powerless and she will continue if she wants to regardless of what you do. Best and in my opinion, only way to stop, is give up money. I handle all finance. They also need to find new pastimes, keep busy. Download blocking software if you think she is still playing. You can get counselling through gamcare too.

I don't think it's a question of whether you are right to feel like it, more, how could you not!

Another skill of us addicts is deflecting blame & her pointing out your faults & making you question yourself takes the focus off of her. I'm no expert & to me, your trust issues are totally justified & yet, I wonder why you are putting up with this. I think counselling would be good...Not just because of what you have gone through with your mum but because she is manipulating you into thinking you are somehow @ fault. Gambling is our addiction, we may not choose it but we choose what help to get for it & burying our heads in the sand blaming anyone & everyone we can isn't dealing, it's deflecting.

It's not for me to say playing the games will cause a relapse but I never read it ending well. There are plenty of non casino based games that are equally addictive to us (I know I succumbed to the power of the crush games when I stopped) which in my mind are less of a trigger but my damage wasn't online so although it rings alarm bells, I can't give you stats or proof of why this is bad, only a 6th sense.

6 sessions of counselling & fishing twice a week (if indeed this is even happening) is clearly not enough because you have caught her in action since. It sounds more like lip service until the heat was off & as a lying, manipulative CG myself, I'd be very surprised if you catching her was a one off anyway. I'm guessing you had a hunch this was the case as I'm not sure how else you would have done so?

Agree with MGR about the finances...No money no gamble but managing them is a big deal & you would need full access to credit reports to check you have a grip of them all if you were to undertake this.

Unfortunately, although this is her mess, as a loved one, you are tangled up in it & you should have support around you,especially if you are planning on sticking around. It will sound harsh but from what you said, she's still in denial & that's a dangerous place for all involved. Keep posting & look after you - ODAAT

Hi,

re her emphasis on your trust issues: all active addicts project blame onto those around them. It's part of the manipulation. If it's your fault, it's not hers and if your view are apparently masked by your trust issues, then it's not her being that bad. Therefore it's not her who needs to change. It's best for you not to accept projected blame and to remind her that her concern is to sort out her gambling. It's not her job to sort out your trust issues.

I'm long term married, four children and first time round I accepted his denials and buried my head in the sand at the sight of red flags (continued manipulation, blame, financial secrecy), because the alternative of "breaking up the family" seemed worse. This time round, I got the suppport I needed to cope and his actions say what word can't say because words can't be relied upon. I have full financial control, he goes to meetings as do I, he carries a mobile brick and his desktop is blocked. We have stayed together but nothing's easy, no rides into the sunset. We're both quite damaged by it.

It interesting that you grew up with addiction and ended up marrying an addict. It's a theme that crops up at Gam Anon (and other family Anon groups) and it's worth looking at for your own sake.

It's impossible to go it alone. Call the Helpline and go to GamAnon meetings, keep the focus on you and get help for you to cope with the situation that you're in.

BW,

CW

Hi just wanted to say all of this resonates with me and the overwhelming pressure there undoubtedly is for us and the non Cg to make responsible and optimum decisions for the welfare of children and ourselves. I'm in the same boat and like cw was , perhaps with hindsight, too trusting after the first episodes despite taking measures and getting lots of advice.

I recognise without doubt the question of deflecting the blame and the difficulty ihaving a reasonable and rational discussion without finding yourself justifying yourself or your actions or even perhaps beginning to feel that you are in some way responsible ... I keep pondering what if something' about me was the trigger for his compulsive behaviour to start etc. Even though I know this is the intention... I can't tell whether this is part of the illness/ addiction for which support can be gained by oh and he can overcome this behaviour orwhether this behaviour will never go even if he manages to stop gambling.

he is intolerant of my emotional reaction to the gambling and the debt he had put us both in and the fact that I'm having to call school and say we can't afford, panicking about where can move children to Snd the impact on them of moving. I'm the one seeing that as s result of gambling debts and burying his head he has Rui Ed chances of consolidating debt and can only clear by selling our family home. He is acting as if I'm to blame sbd when given opportunities to be kind to me or even civil, he is rude and has a horrible attitude that seems to just radiate off him which makes me feel both uncomfortable and sonwhiw guilty - all in front of the children. Which seems crazy - you'd think he'd want to try and compensate for danage he's done.

Reading up on here, it seems you have to be prepared to accept this Sbd be able to protect yourself throughout.

It isn't a great comfort but when you wake up in the morning and the ugly reality hits each time, remember there are others out here going the same. I can see how this forum can really help.

Hi,

The advice that I've heard, which makes sense but which I struggle to put into practice, is that there's a person and there's an addiction. At different times and to varying extents, the addiction takes over the person and when it does, you end up trying to have a conversation with an addiction rather than a person and it doesn't work. I keep doing it and I always, always, come off worse and realise afterwards that I've been well and truly manipulated. I end up defending, explaining, even apologising for I know not what but generally seeking reasonable and loving responses where there are simply none to be had. If you find yourself talking to an addiction, the best advice is to immediately step back, terminate the conversation, remove yourself, distract yourself, do what you need to to to protect yourself in financial and emotional terms but don't try to engage at that moment. Leaving the addict alone with the addiction encourages (but doesn't force) change. When I do manage to do this, it works a lot better.

The other thing to bear in mind is that his responses say where he is. They're his responses, his opinions (warped by the addiction) and they do not describe or label you. Hand them back to him, don't internalise or keep them. They're not yours.

CW

Hi look to the future and cw, I remember all of this. I go to a new meeting this time around and a wife said to me 'just start ignoring him, they hate that'. I'd always done a lot of stuff alone as he would make excuses. So this time I went out everyday and didn't tell him, or if I did, didn't ask him to come. By the end if the week he said 'I'm not even invited'. So they do notice especially if they are not gambling. I notice this time he is far more sorry, less accusatory, carries his book everywhere, more talkative, willing to answer questions. Thankfully this time was far less money, but a lesson for him regardless. Before when I first ever found out he wasn't like that, full of anger, bravado, I can do this, and making me feel guilty, depressed. It's you and the kids who suffer, they can't bare to look at what they've done. It's all a game, lies, manipulation. 'You won't let me gamble, so I can't win it back' . I call it 'entering the arena' do you join the behaviour or do you watch it unravel. My kids are older so this time I made him confess to them. That had a massive effect. This time there are no secrets. I can totally agree they turn on the 'poor me, it's all you'. Don't fall for it. Keep yourself busy, you've got a lot of juggling to do. Get help and I know I always say it, but get to a meeting if you can. I have learnt so much, even if it's not for you. Gamcare are great to talk to. I just went back to look at your post, yes behaviour, rudeness, anger, self pity, all things that come when you have found out. Self loathing is another. This will go if he is stopping, remorse later. Is he going to meetings/counselling? Just ignore it if you can. Don't worry about him, look after you. I think it's all part and parcel of the gambler.

Hi, JxB, hope some of this is helping and references to "him" above are simply because it's the male partners gambling. How are you doing?

CW

Hi sorry tohear your situation, i found out 15 years ago and unfortunately still on the same merrygo round. He wont tell me how much the latest bout has cost "cant remember" and iusing this site. All i can say is dont be too hasty to trust again, I was and it just helps them continue, but we want to trust as thats part of a 'normal' relationship . Its not your fault. Good luck

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