I've finally realised I've gave full control of my finances to my gambling addictive wife . we've been together since 16 yr old were now in our late forties with 4 boys nice house car etc .I work a a plant fitter my wife is a bank manager a few years backI took a lesser paid job with less hours to take the burden from grandparents looking after kids after school as my wife just got promoted and was earning better money now she's made her way up to a well paid job say around 50k I'm on 20k quit good I think.well that's the background.we were quite social in our younger days I would go for a pint most nights my wife would go to bingo with her mum then meet up later and go home or stay out .roll forward to 14 years ago my wife was pregnant and didn't want to go play bingo because of her lump and said she would join a online site and play I remember saying not to do it but hay ho.it started of good all controlled then it got more and more.first the holidays abroad stopped because she became frightened of flying after umpteen foreign holidays but still playing online daily then it was the boys wearing shabby clothes because we can't afford it and by now I've stopped going out you guessed we can't afford it .so by now we've all made cutbacks I'm buying cheep cans and smoking roll ups .now this is getting serious all I've been told is we are skint because of bills from years ago .now I say your on that site more than not what's going on.she tells me that she's spent too much .so we sign up for a loan to pay of the cards which some were /are in my name .I won't do it again she says I will go on it once a week a don't go anywhere or do anything well guess how many times I've fallen for those big brown eyes and not realising what's happening to me.so now after this 14years later we've had a remortgage top up for 30k have been paying big bucks on credit card.and numerus loans.i believe she's blown 100 k online using credit cards plus I've got two in my name for 20k plus a loan for 20k and she the same and still in full control of my finances .see when I say anything about it it always ends up screaming at each other and I do say bad things to her.ive tried to get some money from her but she just says I'm a scab and on c**P wages get a better job.i know now that this woman is not my wife but a addict .if I take back my cards that we live on and cut them up we would not be able to live .I've tried to leave but I wouldn't be able to ret a cardboard box with my credit rating.my dad says just take the cards and change your bank account .well that's easy to say so I need a plan I now know it's not my wife but a gambling addict.
Really sorry to hear about this mate i truly am. Your stuck in a serious rut but you need to take control asap. Your wife is in denail and its going to get worse. First thing to do would be possibly open a bank account and get your wages paid in to there and do not let her have any access to it. That will be a good start. Next i would cut up the credit cards, as least with your wages you can buy food and pay bills etc. Im afraid until she realises the damage she has inflicted it will only get worse unless you put these things in place. Perhaps putting a blocker on the computer and her phone would help her going online? You have to stay strong mate, do it for your kids and do what is best.
Hope you can get things sorted.
Hi,
Sorry to hear what's going on. It's rubbish but you're not alone.
re practicalities i.e. how to protect yourself. Echo advice above, also do read the posts in this section, you'll see the standard advice to separate your finances, get credit reports to see the real extent of the debt, to take over financial control.
Except that it's not so simple if you're worried about how she will react to any steps that you do take to protect yourself. If you're caught up in the fog surrounding the gambler.
This is second time round for me. First time round, I got denial ("it's investment not gambling"), lies ("if you really insist, I won't invest again"), blame ("we need the money because you're so extravagant and you're not earning"), manipulation ("my finances are none of your business, you want to interfere in everything, if you invade my privacy again I'm out"). Anything there that you could relate to?
Looking back, I was too scared to hold my ground, to expect respect and his aggression (verbal only) had me afraid of confronting him and doing what needed to be done. The other main factor was that I had no specialist help and support, no idea of what was normal. So I took on the blame, walked on eggshells unsuccessfully and no good came of it. The worst thing about fear is fear itself. This time round, he was exposed, told to get help or get out and he understood that the game was up, that the ultimatum would have been followed through. It's totally different this time.
You didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. You've found this out, there's nothing that you can do or say to stop it. But there's a whole lot that you can do to help yourself and your children. Call the helpline as many times as you need to, make the effort to get to GamAnon meetings, book yourself in for GC counselling, read as much as you can about addiction. That will all give you the strength and support to make changes to your situation.
I'd advise you to open your separate account and get your wages paid in. She won't like it, but just tell her calmly on a broken record basis that you need to do it because she has a gambling problem. Ditto parental blockers, going out to meetings and counselling. By your actions, you'll be indicating the existence of your very real problem rather than helping her to deny hers.
Look after you.
CW
Hi thanks for the advice I guessed that is the only way is to take full control of my bank.ive rang the web site and they told me some truths basically I've left a alcoholic in charge of the beer.im not sure how to make out what's going on does she know that shes s******g me and know what i says is true .last week we wiped the slate clean again this time she gave me access to all the cards except two a Tesco credit card and her old bank account on my cards it's all petrol and shopping every day stuff with the odd T*****a on hers it's much the same but a bit more T*****a but on both I've noticed cash transfer to her old bank account I told her she's cooked the books to cover her self and she said yes. So I've got what she wants me to know she even gave me the bingo account. gutted to look at that I even had a bingo account .I found out that the times she said she had a break from gambling she never she waited for me to go to bed .so she says she's three times a week for two hours and twenty pound a time so sixty quid I says ok but is this going to work it's the first time I've been given access the accounts .she know that if I leave I will have to go bust and I think it will affect her credit rating or something and will lead her to loose her job as a bank manager but I'm not sure about that. Thanks for listening mike
Mike, look after you. I would suggest that you get legal advice about your position, a Solicitor would be best but otherwise a law centre or CAB. Or call StepChange. Again, this is an action that you can be seen to be taking because of the existence of a real problem.
It doesn't sound as if she's told you everything and that's ominous. Half measures don't change anything. A gambler who doesn't want to give up will have secret accounts, credit cards or bank accounts that you don't know about and also gambling accounts. Get a credit report in your name and hers so that you can see what's going on and take any refusal to cooperate as an indication that she intends to carry on. You can't change that decision but you can protect yourself, you can refuse to pay for it, you can change how you respond to the gambling and long term you can decide what you're prepared to put up with.
At one level, she does know what she's doing but don't underestimate the strength of the compulsion to gamble. It's not that she can't stop if she chooses recovery but she needs effective support from GA and/or counselling. GamAnon see it as not a matter of love but of an emotional illness. However, it's never that the gamblers are totally unable to help themselves. They do have the choice between placing a bet and recovery and it's helpful to keep the responsibility for that choice with the gambler. Read the other side of the forum, there are certain diaries where there are half hearted attempts to stop but no real willingness to do what it takes. On the other hand, there are others who do indeed do what it takes and are much more comfortably gamble free.
Keep the focus on your problem i.e. dealing with the effect that she's having on you and your sons.
CW
Mike you've had some great advice I'm sorry your in this situation I can't really add anything to what you have been told other than to say when I was actively gambling I would stoop to some lows to get the next bet on. Setting up accounts and taking out loans in my partner my name. I'm not proud of what I did and it cost me more than money.
yoi have to protect you and your lads and be firm if she is not willing to help herself. Credit reports are a must so you can see what you are dealing with.
Take care KTF
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