Why does it feel I am to blame for his gambling

Hi Lou

It must be so painful, seeing him in the control of a compulsion that's harming himself and you, especially since you fought your own demons and by the sounds of it, involved him in your recovery more than he's involving you in his. Maybe you were ready to commit to recovery and maybe he isn't in that place yet?

One thing to hold on to is that you aren't to blame for his gambling. If you've fought an addiction yourself you've probably discovered that no one could fight your fight for you, you had to do it yourself. And you can't change his behaviour, only he can. But you can change how you react to it. Until he is ready to face his problems, what boundaries can you put in place to protect yourself financially and emotionally?

In the meantime, have a read through the posts on the forum, particularly in the friends and family section, where you may gain some insight into his behaviour and your response, by reading the experiences of people who have been through similar.

The GamCare freephone helpline is here for you on 0808 8020 133, 8am to midnight every day. We're also here for your partner. The service is completely confidential and you can each use the service without the other finding out. It's free from most mobiles too. If you prefer online chat there's also our Netline which is also open 8am-midnight every day.

Take care,

GamCare Forum Admin

Yes it is painful to watch. He wasn't with me when I was recovering to stability and yes I was totally focused and still am on my addiction recovery, but I also know that probably one day the demon will get me and off we got again down the bottom of a gin bottle. The difference being when I have those thoughts I tell him straight away, no secrets, so its not the money or what he is addicted to its the fact he couldn't just say hey im struggling come find me. Even by that point if he had gambled everything away the hurt I feel wouldn't have been as bad. If that makes any sense. I said to him today I don't think the word is trust to use but its the only word I can associate with how I feel. I do trust him in millions of ways but this has really tested us and still is. Being a fellow addict I don't live with rose coloured spectacles thinking this is it, it will never happen again but all I ask of him is just say he is struggling come find me that's . What I am going to do is get a few notes together of things I am feeling and need help with dealing with him then I will ring. On a good note we have had a brill weekend and talked a lot and are strong together to help him through this. Thanks for the help

Hi Lou

I have thought hard and long about responding to your post because as you may have seen I have been supportive of your partner in other sections of this site. So I hope that you won't see this as one-sided in his favour; I hope I can be objective about both of you, but of course I will admit that as a recovering compulsive gambler I can understand a lot of his thoughts and feelings.

Well here goes - first of all, I am so glad that you are both so much happier in your relationship and had a good Easter. However, this issue of trust that is so important to you has to be settled, otherwise I can see that it will always be 'the elephant in the room' which will prevent your relationship from growing in a healthy way. I can perfectly see your point of view, and that you liken it to your battle with alcoholism, but would say that for a gambler it is so much harder to 'come clean' to a loved one. If you struggle with alcoholism and feel that you need a drink, you can tell someone and they usually respond in a positive, understanding way. For a gambler, by the time they are ready to confess it is usually too late - they have succumbed and lost a lot of money. That is the secretive nature of gambling; yes, you can drink in secret, but it is very hard to disguise when you come into contact with other people - even if you act sober your breath gives you away! A gambler is an expert at deception, both for himself and other people - it is a dirty secret that becomes harder and harder to reveal. I also think that the general perception of alcoholism is one of a disease which needs to be treated; most people do not understand gamblers and see them simply as weak-willed, irresponsible and stupid (which is often as we see ourselves for the most part!) I am not for one moment implying that this is what you think - I can see that you are very understanding and supportive, but although alcohol can damage health and the family, for the most part it is a self-damaging addiction. Gamblers can ruin the futures of family and friends, perhaps for generations to come.

That is why it is so hard for us to admit our addiction - the fear of rejection by loved ones for our failure.

I consider myself to be an intelligent, well-educated person, but after my husband had bailed me out once by paying off my overdraft, I cannot face telling him that I continued to gamble. I do not want him to think badly of me. I also want to deal with this by myself - it is important to my self-esteem that I do this alone.

Although addictions of every shape and form have many similarities, those suffering from them are all different and must deal with recovery in individual ways. You are glad that your boyfriend told you, even after the event of losing so much - perhaps that is as much as you (and he) can ask for. Just as with taking that first drink, the time between the thought and the action can be a nano-second, so perhaps 'trust' just does not get a look-in in such situations. If you ever (God forbid!) feel tempted to hit the bottle, can you be sure that you will have an hour, a day, a week in which to warn him of your urges?

I hope this ramble of mine has not upset you as I think you are a good person, trying to rebuild your relationship with courage and understanding. I just hope that my words have helped you understand your boyfriend a bit more.

Best wishes to you both,

Joanna