Will I hinder his recovery?

You know the counselling Gamcare offers is for affected parties not just the gambler. If not that how about couples counselling with someone that has a specialism in addiction?

Hi Katie,

It's great that your husband is taking steps to help himself. I am too in the same position as you. When my husband comes to see the kids I still can't look at him. Sometimes I am so angry and others im happy that he's got in touch with a councillor. It doesn't make it any easier that we are separated and he isn't here, I still have all those emotions. I just try not to speak my mind as I too don't want to hinder his recovery. I do however remind him how much he has hurt me when he's telling me he loves me and telling me to "cheer up". It's so sad when the one person you want to talk to is the one who's hurt you so much. We are trapped in grief for the person we loved so much. I wish I had all the answers for you and I wish someone had them for me but we know in our hearts we are the only ones who can decide which direction our lives go. This thought fills me with dread especially if my husband sorts himself out, will I ever trust him again? Would our relationship even work? He said to me yesterday that he wishes we could go back to when I didn't know about his gambling because we were happy! This made me think, all I've ever known is a liar. It made me feel sick and angry.

It's tough and him accepting help is a start but you need to get help for yourself too. Maybe go back to 1 on 1 councilling, it's helping me a lot more than it would if I had to speak while my husband was there.

Gem xx

Hi Gem,

Thanks for your post. I've been wondering how you've been getting on. Having spoken to my counsellor again, he has told me to finish my sessions before proceeding with the joint ones. I just don't find them that helpful. Feel like I just go round in circles. Need the couples ones to get answers because he always shuts down at home.

I know I wouldn't ever trust him again but like you can't say how the relationship would work. Right now everything seems to remind me of it all. I can't even invite my parents round because he doesn't like seeing them despite them being very sympathetic towards him. I am just going to try not to decide my future right now. Take a day at a time. Wishing you all the best. X

Hello to both you lovely ladies,

I am too in the same predicament. He Receives cocounselling and says he's doing great. I'm glad about that but can't help feeling left behind. I am waiting for 4 months now for a spot with the local councillors, but im not sure if this will ease the pain. Im so frustrated because I was lied to for so long and now it seems I drew the short straw again. I am so angry Iinside. I have booked 2 holidays on my own for this year so I have the feeling that my life still continues and I am not getting bitter about it. But somehow I start to question whether we are able to return to the good times ever again??

I haven't got the answers either but it helps to know I'm not alone...

Carla

Hi Carla,

I've just had a quick read through your earlier posts. So you've known about your partners secret life for about the same time as me. It doesn't seem to get any easier does it? I think it's great you have your holidays to look forward to- I can't see a time when we can ever go on a family holiday again due to his actions. That really angers me. I'm not talking 2 weeks in Florida - I'd be happy with a caravan in Skegness ( no offence to anyone who lives there!)

That is a very long wait for counselling for you- but it helps a lot of people so hopefully it will be worth it. This forum has really helped me from feeling so isolated. Keep posting and I wish you all the best.

Hey,

Yes I thought the same: it would get easier after a while, but I feel I lost out on my life... I am 33 and have no kids. Before I found out we wanted to start trying this year, but I feel this is impossible. He already has 2 kids from a previous marriage and to be taking on that baggage without being able to have a family on my own plus getting over the lies and deception makes me wonder: is it worth it? I feel so dissappointed that I have invested 5 years of my life for possibly nothing. Oh well I guess I am the only person who can change the way my life goes and maybe I need to start taking control and be more selfish. I am not frkm the uk and have no family here which makes me feel very exposed... I hope there are better times coming... what are your plans katiecola? What are you going to do? How are you dealing with your feelings?

Tabea

I can really relate to the feeling you have lost out on life. I feel I have had my secure and stable future pulled from beneath me. It's very unsettling. But as I have been reminded on here and as you yourself say- it is our future, we can decide from any point what we do with it. You are obviously a strong, courageous person to be living here with no family to support you through this time. I am very lucky in that respect that mine are near by. The near impossible bit is deciding what is the best course of action. How do we know if things are going to work out or if we are going to still be posting on this forum a year down the line feeling every bit as miserable as now?

I don't think I am dealing with my feelings very well but I haven't cried infront of him for 2 weeks now so I guess that's something! I think when you eventually get the counselling ( might be worth chasing it up) you will find that you can get your thoughts out and discuss how to move forward. My plan is to not actually make any! Which is totally foreign to me because I love a good plan! My husband is extremely difficult to live with at the moment and I do try to keep reminding myself that he is ill. However he has self referred to this clinic so I am willingly to wait to see how that works for him. Unfortunately there is a 15 week waiting list which is going to feel like a very long time. But I have promised myself that I won't live like this forever.

I have to say that if I knew my husband had this problem before I married him I would have thought long and hard about continuing the relationship. This addiction doesn't go away. They can learn to control it if they are 100% committed. My worry is that I never be able to let my guard down. Never fully relax no matter how much control I have over finances. If he wants to gamble he'll find a way.

I think we have to believe there will be better times ahead- can't get much worse can it?! I hope you are able to share this problem with friends? I find talking really helps me. Keep posting so hopefully you won't feel so isolated. Happy Easter! X

You cant hinder his recovery any more than you can help it unfortunately, how often I wished I oculd sort it all out for him, but for me its all in the past now and I'm enjoying a very happy time in our lives. A much loved aunt has just been diagnosed with terminl cancer, my grandparents have just tipped over into being unable to cope at home anymore and are quite difficult to manage, I see some tough times ahead, so I am making the most of now. Life is full of things I cant control and i am much happier in myself since i stopped looking for answers and solutions to anything other than my own feelings. Mr P sorted himself out and became someone I could love again while I wasnt looking, I gave up on him, I got on with my own life, he happened to still be living in the house as I had control of all the finances and I decided we couldnt afford for him to live anywhere else until he had payed me back.

Going in circles.... been there, in hindsight, it is a necessary stage, you have to keep going round until somehow one day you slingshot out of it, a real lightbulb moment where the route ahead suddenly becomes obvious. Recovery for us partners is not gradual, it is frustratingly slow and then sudden burst of progress are made. It's tough going. I couldnt and didnt want to manage Mr Ps recovery, that was up to him, but I'm glad I dragged myself through my recovery, the early stages were hard.

As the lovely saying goes, "Everything is always alright in the end, if it isn't alright, it isn't the end"

Hi,

thanks for your post Pangolin. I'm sorry to hear your sad news- it's great that Mr P is in recovery so he can support you in these tricky times ahead.

Its really interesting to read about your recovery. I wrongly presume that when he recovers I will naturally get over it but maybe not.

I know he is still gambling. He has told me- but only the odd tenner!! I'm no further along than I was back in November. Yes we have the clinic eventually but that's ages away. He has his own debit card which I have no access to and he refuses to allow me to see it. Still bashing head on the brick wall. He just wants to leave that door of opportunity open. Going round in circles again....

I read back through some of my own posts and the wise replies I've received-thank you. It made me realise that nothing has moved on really. He still hasn't given me proper financial control, he is still betting, he's still hiding in his room. I'm still really hurt, making all the effort, repeating myself on here, not sleeping, working myself into the ground. My girls are suffering too.

I really don't know what to do. I keep telling myself I'll give him till he's been to the clinic but I'm in a living hell. My counsellor spends just as much time talking about his family than my situation. Other than being able to rant for a hour I get nothing from it. If I'd had to pay I'd have stopped after week 2.

I'm so worn down-I can't even be bothered to tell him to get the hell out of the bedroom because I don't want another fight. I don't want to feel such anger build in me that my heart literally feels like it will explode. Whilst he'll sit there calmly still watching the TV, not even looking me.

He claims to still love me- how can he when he treats me like this? I want to hear him promise that he'll do everything he can to change. He says he can't make empty promises- but of course it was fine to live a lie for years.

I don't even know why I'm writing all this now - it's the same stuff I've been spouting for months.

Every time you say things and go over them again, they get a bit clearer, a few more knots get unpicked, and this is such a bit tangly mess its no wonder it takes alot of going over, I have endless patience for people like you who are tackling a problem like this and battling through it, I know its worth it.

Katiecola, don't give up on you! Nothing's changed with him, he's still doing what he wants whilst you try & carry on around him! Gambling has taken his soul & until he gets off his r*e & into recovery you are going to continue to carry this pain unless you find the energy to make things happen! If his promise to change is an empty one, then you must make the changes you can make to protect you & your girls!

I know it's easy for me to sit here & spout advice but until he realises you're not going to be there to pick up the pieces, he's not going to change! People in recovery are fighting for their lives, he's not there yet I'm afraid!

Come here & rant & rave if it helps! Maybe not too many swear words or the forum admin won't be happy but you can get stuff off your chest if you think it may help!

Keep fighting, you & your girls need you to be strong - ODAAT

Hi Katiecola

I found that we just went round and round in circles with our son, and in the end we had to say enough is enough. He made promises he never kept, stayed in his room most of the time like your husband, and when he did speak to us it was abusive, and it had to stop.

He was not showing any signs of wanting to stop infact his gambling was getting worse, and we just couldnt live like that any more so we gave him no choice but to leave.

Ive no idea what the future holds for him or us but I can tell you its a relief not to live the way we were. Ive just started counselling and it is helping along with all the advise Ive had form everyone here. We will try and move forward and desperatley want our son back in our lives, not the gambler, but it will be on our terms not his I wont ever go back to living with him while hes gambling.

Yes we miss him very much but living the way we were was unbearable and having some peace in lives, instead of the chaos and upset is far far better. I know this is torture for you but at some point you will have to start thinking of yourself, because sadly your husband wont while hes gambling even if he says its just a few £'s here and there.

I was told to get on with my life and leave him to it, at first I was quite shocked, how on earth could I do that, but I see that now. It took a long time for me to realise that we couldnt help our son no matter how hard we tried and unfortunately you cant help your husband, we have to wait until they want to get well.

I was as low as you, couldnt see an end to the misery until I started to put myself first. Its very hard at first to say enough is enough and stand up for yourself but with time it becomes easier and now I wont ever go back to living with him while he gambles.

You and your children deserve a happy life it doesnt have to be like this but its up to you when you say enough is enough, I wish Id say enough a long time ago.

Hi Katiecola

I've been keeping clear of this thread because I couldn't offer any worthwhile advice. You have had plenty I see! One thing caught my eye and that was the odd tenner spent on gambling and the fact that he has a debit card which you aren't allowed to see. I think we both know that the "odd tenner" is a bit more than that, and I do worry why he isn't forthcoming with the details of his debit card.

I have to ask why he has a debit card? It seems to me that is like putting the cheese out for the mice without a trap. The temptation is there and he will, and obviously is grabbing the bait.

I assume that he is not attending GA? I can't remember from your earlier threads. It seems to me that he feels as though he has performed "his duty" by signing up for counselling and is now resting on his backside. Surely he could try GA for at least that 15 weeks and see how he feels about it?

I do wonder how seriously he is taking this. A gambler in recovery can not have a bet. The "odd tenner" just doesn't cut it. All he is doing is fooling himself that he has some control, and minimising the importance of his gambling.

Take care