Worried sick

Dear Worriedwife,

Welcome to the Forum!

I have moved your post to the family and friends section of this Forum as you are more likely to receive responses there.

It has been a difficult journey for you and the trust in your relationship has been damaged as you were not aware of your husband´s gambling for a long time. Relationships are build on trust and trust can be repaired. This usually takes everyone involved to make an effort and it also takes time.

Maybe this would be a good time to talk about trust with your husband and about what each of you are doing in order to re-build trust. Your feelings of anxiety make a lot of sense. Trust provides a solid foundation and without that, everything is fluid and uncertain.

I hope this helps.

Kind wishes

Gabriele

Hi worried wife. My husband has gambled for 30 years on and off. He goes to GA now and has been gamble free about 14 months. I go to gamanon for myself. If my husband stopped watching football I would be concerned. He loves football, he watches with our son. The thing I see that he also comments on, is learning to watch without a bet. To enjoy the game. Why don't you want him watching? Because you think he's gambling? What can you do? Nothing. If you are wishing to stop him doing whatever he or you associate with gambling it's going to be impossible. What you need is to see him making positive steps to stop. For example handing over finances, going to meetings, putting blocks in place, changes in behaviour and moods. These are all things he has to do, not you. You have to look after yourself and secure your finances. Learn to live just for today and to let go. It's a hard habit to break and they need support and encouragement. Maybe find a gamanon meeting and get help for yourself.

Has he offered you access to his finances to prove he's not gambling? Reassuring you is the least he can do if he means what he says about making it right. Unfortunately empty promises from a gambler are par for the course.

You can't stop him gambling, you can't stop him watching football. You can take steps to protect your own interests. If he won't comply with everything you ask, be wary. Look after you.

Thank you for your responses they've given me a lot to think about. My husband is an addict, has been all his life. He's a recovering alcoholic who hasn't had a drink for three years. He also used to smoke weed everyday and has calmed that down a lot. I just feel he isn't taking this seriously and I'm scared he's more bothered about the money he's lost than what it's done to our relationship. I have been totally supportive I didn't scream and shout when it all came out, I knew it was a problem that he needed help with like all the other addictions in his past. It's just that I'm really struggling to trust him now the lying has become prolific. I'm struggling to understand what my rights are (do I have a right to be upset, do I have a right to have so much control over his life?) He has given me control of the finances, even though he was reluctant at first. And he has made a few comments since saying he earned that money (his wages are significantly more than mine) I'm struggling with the deceitfulness as all his other addictions he couldn't hide. I'm struggling to make sense of it all and know what my part is in all this.

Hi you are entitled to feel how you feel, feelings are important. My advice is if you really want help find a meeting. He should be finding ways to occupy himself, the gym, reading, running, getting off the gadgets. Remember if he can't access his money he may borrow from other friends and family. All close family should know so they can get offer support and not give him money. Expect anger, resentment, bad behaviour. It will subside but you have to weather it. Don't rise to the bait, I always walk away or go out. The smoking won't help either. They are addicts and get addicted to anything. You need a clear head to recover.

This is exactly what I've said I really don't think he should be smoking it's just one thing for another all the time. He thinks as long as he isn't drinking then he's fine. He says he has to have some sort of realise he can't just care all the time. I also stopped drinking 3 years ago and I stopped smoking weed over a year ago so if anybody knows how hard it is it's me but he doesn't seem to acknowledge that either. Not the fact that I can sympathize with him or.the fact I know it's possible. I try lead by example ive gone back to college I garden, I knit, I read all the time. I tell him he needs to find something for himself something he can get addicted to with out hurt himself or the people around him. I just really hope he does get the help because I know he can do it and I don't know how much more I can take.

As I've said before, find a meeting, get help and support for you. I gave up smoking cigarettes , alcohol and gambling(raffles, lottery) but I'm not an addict.