our son, aged 35 has been living with us for six months as his marriage broke up. He has two children who we still see and they stay with us 6 days/nights out of 14. He has not admitted to us the reason was gambling and lying. I opened his daughters savings account statement yesterday as I was worried. He has emptied it again. My husband has now come onboard with me and we are going to talk to our son about it.
I feel guilty for opening the statement and was really hoping I would not discover what I did. Any advice? Scared fir the future
Hi...I hear your thoughts. I am a compulsive gambler and have been for many years. I am now middle aged. I have been through long periods of time when i haven't gambled and actually worked with other addicted gamblers and those affected ie partners family and friends. Unfortunately I have gone full circle and am back struggling again and just beginning to work recovery once more. In light this I think that the point I want to make is this...
If your son has crossed the line into irresponsible gambling, which it sounds like he has (emptying daughters saving account) then there is no going back. he's got this problem for life. He's not able to control his gambling and therefore the only solution is not to gamble.
Now if every gambler who got burnt by gambling came to this realisation straight away and stopped then the world would be a better place. But as we all know this isn't the case and this wasn't the case with me.
For me I actually played the blame game when I reached my first rock bottom... blaming my gambling on my mother and certain events in my childhood. I cringe when I think about it now, but that's what I did. Playing the blame game absolved me of my poor choices ie deciding to put my life into slot machines.
To be honest I don't know whether you should challenge your son. I imagine that it is much more complicated because children are a part of the picture. I'd imagine that if you do challnege your son you will get one of the following reactions (depending upon your son's personality), either... 1. denial, defensiveness and anger or 2. an admission of what he has done with all the emotions that might follow from that. The second scenario is clearly the better reaction... cos then you can work with that... openness and honesty. Atleast you then know where things stand and you can start to formulate a plan going forward. In my opinion part of the plan should involve practical things like self-exclusion from local bookmakers (I am excluded from 88... there is a national scheme).... if the bookies is the problem. If its online then signing up to Gamstop is a must... it will stop online gambling in its tracks and of course restricted access to money. Money is the drug that fuels the addiction.
Anyway, I have to go out. I will leave it there. But just as a last point. Helping others actually helps my own recovery so that's what am getting back to do.
All the best with whatever you decide to do
As a gambling addict myself I feel for you. But if his marriage has already ended due to his gambling and it didn't make him stop then you will have a hard battle ahead of you. I would confront him but try not to be too judgemental. He has to admit he has a problem and want to change that. The worse thing you could do is lend him money to replace what he has gambled. It's his choices that have caused this and it should be his choice to sort it out. Support him but make him responsible for his actions.
Hi, reading your post I was thinking you were talking about me sounds just the same.
You will need the support of your husband but sadly you can’t stop him but offer the support. Show him the different support out there but unless he wants to stop he won’t.
I always got upset when I got found out many times but I was not ready to stop.
You will not be able to work out how telling him will “pan out” but remember that you are trying to do the best for him and will support him
wish you all the best and the first days are so hard
please remember there is lots of support for you and your husband as well
Hi I'm a wife of a compulsive gambler. The first most important thing is do not pay his debt, do not give him money. You know he's gambling. There is no point in confronting him, offer emotional support. You should call gamcare for advice. He can sign up to gamstop, self exclude from bookies, download software to gadgets if he's online gambling. Stepchange will help with debt advice. If he's living in your house there are rules and this is not acceptable. Find your nearest gamanon meeting. Don't think this will get better on its own or with willpower. This is a serious addiction and should not be ignored. If he's already emptied his daughter's savings things are beyond his financial capacity. He may have loans and other debt. If you help him financially this will continue. It will enable him not only to gamble but also get more credit. Ask questions here , you can also look on gamanon website, there is online meeting on Sunday 8-9pm.
Hi cmiller,
Feel free to contact us on our helpline 0808 8020 133 or via our Netline to talk through your situation regarding with your son. We advise not to bail him out. We are here to support your son, whenever he feels ready, and we support you and anyone else affected by your son's gambling.
Take care of yourself,
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