Ah Lord where do I start? I'm like a train wreck of an individual, you name it I've done it and I can't stop! Computer games, drink, smoking, s*x, gambling, it does not matter It's impossible for me to stop. Alcohol was bad for me, I can't have one drink like normal people, if I have one I can drink non stop for 3 days straight and I'm talking the hard stuff, and chain smoke 3 decks of cigarettes in one day. Then the guilt and hangover sets in, and I can go 3 months without, It's problem for me and I am learning to try and drink socially.
The biggest problem for me though is that I don't like to be beaten, and I'm a sore loser, I've constantly lied to myself that I can beat the gambling system and that it won't defeat me, and Its cost me 10's of thousands, probably £100,000. Im 34 and I was reeled in on fruit machines, and then everybody's favourite the fobt's which introduced me into real money loss, and then online gambling. Pretty much always roulette. Most the time not being able to withdrawl, then the thrill of the chase, then the suicidal come downs, of which I've had alot. But I'm a manic depressive anyway, and have learnt how to deal with rock bottoms not just in gambling, and I've learned to bounce back. The problem is I keep bouncing back for more in gambling. I've had enough though now, I can't win, I just wanted to go out with a nice £10,000 win, just to stick one finger up the system, but alas I can't do that, and I've lost another 10,000 instead. It's almost like bad comedy, I kind of went all in yesterday win or bust, that was it for me, I lost whether it makes any difference, apart from making me want to shoot myself again. So I drank a bottle of vodka, watched the football with my friend, tried to get rid of the guilt I felt, which is completely engulfing me now. I really don't want to gamble again, I feel like s**m, and I don't want to feel like this again, I've let people down. It's so hard to quit and to admit defeat, but I do accept I've been defeated and I wanna try to move forward, I'm only on day 1. I don't wanna any more of this, I want some sort of salvation, I'm sick of thinking about roulette numbers in my head and what I could win ,that maybe im due a hot streak. Its absolutely diabolical! Im on Zoloft to help keep my compulsive thoughts down, I shouldn't even have drank and Ive got a bad hangover, yesterday I just had to down a bottle of vodka cos I felt so bad. Today I feel really bad, and I feel like it's a mountain to climb. But I just wanna do it now, I never wanted to quit gambling before, now I've given up on it, and it's almost cost me everything, wasted time,a hella lot of money and my sanity.
My name is Paul, and this is my day 1. To all the brothers and sisters sharing the pain with me, and whatever other struggles we may have, I hope you all beat it, and go on to a better life, and me as well hopefully!
Plus I guess I'd just like somebody to talk to about this, and maybe I can help somebody who knows.
Good luck paul, as I've said to others I'm only starting on the road to recovery myself but there's loads of good support and information on here.
Be strong mate and keep us all updated.
I spent the whole of my Day 1 in bed as I drank a whole bottle of vodka the night before. did't even eat yesterday, just wanted to sleep and sink into nothingness. Day 2 and i still feel very ill, but will try and make the gym later on and have something to eat. Need to not have anymore alcohol as well. I'd like to go even one day without thinking about money and what a loser I am. I am a loser though and I've wrecked my life. I hope that with the rest of the time that I'm given I can do more positive things and leave this all behind me. I'm forever scarred though from what I've done to myself, gonna try and concentrate fully on the gym and playing guitar again, things that I neglect due to gambling.
Please focus on yourself and your health. I know I sound like a mother hen (!) but drinking a bottle of vodka and not eating, even if it is to try and numb the awful feelings you are feeling, is not a good idea. Make sure you eat meals and get yourself well again. Try and stop drinking as it will not help in the long run, just make you feel worse.
Great idea to get back into the gym and play guitar again. Remember all the things you used to enjoy and focus on those. Take each day at a time and you will gradually start to feel better.
Good luck.
BowWow
Thanks Guys! Any warm comments are greatly appreciated! Yes BowWow drinking a bottle of vodka is never a good solution, i'm not the brightest spark though when it comes to doing the right thing. Tommorow I must pick myself up again and do some exercise, i'm still feeling nauseous from Saturday night, physically and mentally. I'm on the big come down now, and I've got to deal with a helluva lot of extra anxiety which I self inflicted upon myself!
Hey Paulie,
Just wanted to echo what BowWow said - really great advice. It's so easy to forget the things we enjoy and focus on the little buzz we get gambling.
For me, I love playing golf. Just being out in the open with my mates - can't beat it. If you've got a similar passion, be it music or getting fit then throw yourself into it. You never know what might come of it.
Wish you the best in your recovery
Cheers! I've got back my energy after all that nonsense at the weekend. Gonna smash the gym training today, lift some weights and punch the hell out of a punchbag until I almost faint!
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