Beginning of a new chapter starting today.

So 31 years old, and I’ve not been in a good place the last few years due to leaving my job back in 2024 to care for my mum full time as she’s not well, she also underwent surgery last November in which I nearly lost her! Shes now slowly recovering and I want to try and get back into employment as I can’t live like this any longer and I’ve just lost the last of what I had saved (£2000). The amount isn’t the most it’s a fraction compared to what I’ve lost over the years! Though it meant a lot to me and was the last of what I had which makes it more sickening

I started gambling at age 16 where I was introduced to slot machines and from then it progressed to online slots. I’ve not really paid attention or questioned myself with regards to why I gamble other than now when writing this have I really had the opportunity to try and realise and understand why I do, sometimes it due to being upset , other times I guess it’s because my brain is hardwired to having a rush of gambling and filling in the silence, eg when going to the toilet etc. a lot of the time I realise now that it’s because I may see it as a quick win but it never is!

I’ve noticed that it’s not about winning! Because in reality I’ve never walked away up, yes for a day or two maybe but I always end up giving it back and then some until I have nothing left! Whilst not even being able to spend to treat myself on the occasion that I do win a little (so what’s the point in gambling in the first place).

I’ve come to the realisation that the money in my account means nothing, though I used to lie to myself each and every time by saying ohh it’s just a few 10 or 20 deposits and I’ll stop (as if the gambling was okay to do, due to it only being minimal deposits) - when in reality it never ends up being just that, slowly the chase begins and the deposits become larger and before you know it i end up 100s down left with absolutely nothing in my account.  Though this time it was 1000’s

Quite lucky to see abit of a light in this crazy ordeal as I can’t seem to get any lower than this!So it can only go up from here is what I think. This is the first time I’m writing anything about my problem and already just typing it feels as if I’m beginning to understand myself more and see the bigger picture, it definitely beats bottling it up and hiding my head in the sand, I would recommend anyone to write something similar and question themself whilst writing a journal as it really makes you think deeply about gambling as a whole.

I have a brother who I’ve opened up to about this and he’s been nothing but supportive and I’ve gone to him twice when I lost big due to not being able to face the shame, as when I get to that stage that’s when the adrenaline dies quick and the gut wrenching feeling kicks in, from having funds to which I could of done things with? Or even treated those I cherish and love around me to being left with nothing once again.

I have opened up to my mother also but she has thrown it in my face that I gambled so it’s definitely out of the equation to open up to her about my problem again.

I do now realise looking after her and the countless hospital visits every couple of weeks have been another reason that I gamble, as well as the fact I’ve let my health go the last two years (suffer from high blood pressure recently as well as the start of diabetes) because when I gamble it’s a escape from what my reality is, a escape from accountability or facing what I’ve allowed my life to become. Well I’m done having that life and today marks day 1 of my new life in which I stop gambling and adopt healthier habits!

Sorry for the large post it was more of a way to communicate with myself regarding the issue and if anyone can somewhat relate I urge you to try it as it has made me see hope and determination to get better of this horrid disease which is gambling! Moving forward I am going to utilise all the support I can to finally stop!