Binge Gambler...relapsed again

Hi, 

Take a look at Gordon Moody, they offer retreats and counselling services and it was the best thing I could have done. I was very much like you, but you have to break the cycle. 

Having accountability for it will be a massive help. Can you talk to someone? It wants you to keep secrets and lie, if you can open up and get it out there, you’ve already won!! Could someone take over financial control? The blocks you put in place are clearly not enough, the doors need to be tripled locked! 

I really wish you all the best and hope you can beat this soon. But please be kind to yourself, as you’re battling with an illness. 

Claire x

I agree with the above , my son had residential help from Gordon Moody and its worth a look. After a 9 year struggle and battle he has not looked back. Reach out for any help you can get and Gamcare are very very good at providing the right support.  I hope you find the right support for you.  Gordon Moody - Tackling Gambling Addiction

Patsy

Online peer supporter

@cpparch Thank you so much Claire...that was a lovely non judgemental response...I honestly feel better already...just reading the way you said...be kind to yourself...you are battling with an illness.. Its so true Unfortunately my approach to all this is to isolate rather than open up.

I will have a look at Gordon Moody as you suggested....And you are correct...the doors need triple locking this time!

Thanks for being so kind In your reply X

@ofb741hvqs Thank you so much X

@gerva19fwn you’re very welcome. For so long I felt like you, I disliked myself, thought I was a bad person, I was worthless. But all this isn’t you, it’s the illness and the addiction. 

I went on the women’s retreat and counselling course - it was 3 nights the first time, then 12 weeks later it was for 2 nights. I learned so much about the addiction and about myself. While I was there I realised I needed to let go of the guilt, it was the biggest boulder in my way. 

The addiction wants you to feel isolated, it wants you to keep secrets and to lie to have you all to itself. 

Today I am one year gamble free, I promise you there is hope. But leaving one door just slightly open will always take you back to gambling as you’ll find a way. I took out tens of thousands of pounds in my husband’s name without him knowing, it was the hardest thing I had to do was to tell him, but also the best thing. 

Remember, you’re not worthless, you are very important and you deserve a happy life. Kick the gambling demons right up in to orbit!!!

P.S No-one would ever judge on here as we all know what it’s like and how it feels. Stay connected to all of us, it really does help. 

Claire xx

Cherry 

Sorry to hear you have relapsed - your mom experience is very close to home for most people on here. The continuous cycle gets exhausting.

definately reach out to Gordon moody but also reach out and attend your local GA meeting locally or online. You have to find a support group to lean on in difficult times . Having someone in your life that knows and maybe able to hold money for you would be very helpful in your recovery. 

i have been gambling for 14 years in the same way you describe. I have really lent on gamblers anonymous, therapy and my loved ones and am currently 76 days GF.  Small progress but for everyone it’s one day at a time. 

All the best 

@cpparch That is fantastic news...I really really appreciate your help.Gordon Moody sounds exactly what I need to help retrain my brain.I was worried when I looked first as there is no way I could check out of life for 12 week residential program.. But to see there is retreat 3 night/2 night option is just wonderful news.

I'm wondering how long did you have to wait to get on the retreat...how much notice do you get of when they accept you?

Really appreciate you...thanks again

@gerva19fwn I contacted them in the November I think and there was a place on the R&C beginning of January. It’s in a lovely place in Bristol, beautiful grounds! 
You’ll have an assessment, and sessions with a counselling while you’re waiting and you’ll also have an assessment with a psychiatrist to make sure it’s the right treatment for you. From the moment you contact them, there is support for you. They’re absolutely brilliant. I met some lovely people on the course, and we all still meet up now. X

Thank you so much...that's music to my ears!I do often wonder about the chicken and egg scenario...am I depressed..anxious because of ruining my life and finances with gambling...or am I gambling because of some other underlying conition???..Million dollar Question!!

I do have a strong family hx of mental illness...I do often wonder if I have unduanosed ADHD...(social media convincing me of it at the moment!!)

My mood is hugely influenced by my diet...when I'm eating well and sleeping well...I'm a completely different person!

I do have addictive tendencies...binge drinking in my 20/30s...not even interested in drink anymore to be honest...don't like the 3 days it would take ne to get back to normal!!Binge eater also...bouts of bulimia...a bit like the gambling...I'm either On or Off...Smoking unfortunately is the other one vice that has been with me since a teen...

I seem unable to moderate...forget having X amount of smokes per day...I'm either smoking or I'm not...Healthy eating...I'm either eating well or I'm completely binging...Gambling...I'm either abstaining or I'm in full blown addiction mode...There seems to be no scale...its On or Off!!!

Sugar...I don't even crave it...but I swear if I have one nibble of something...my brain lights up and it's off...out of control...

That was a rambling rant...!!!

I do think I need a psychiatric assessment...esp considering these other addictive tendencies...Am I self medicating with these...or are these the cause and adding to the dysfunction??...I don't know!!

Hi there,

Myself a problem (compulsive) gambler, 43 this year, was in a really good place financially 20 days ago. Massive gambling winnings in the bank, issue is it was burning a hole.

My husband doesn’t not know I have been gambling again, so even though I won big, I couldn’t tell him, or use it for anything substantial. So in turn I burned it all on the same online casino I won it from within 20days! 

firstly it was fun playing with it, then I started doing bigger bets to try to get a quick big return. This obviously failed. Then borrowed 2k off my brother blew that, then used £200 on my credit card and what ever wages I had left. Nothing would work, constant loss, now I feel like I will never win again and I am now in debt again.

ive been bailed out so many times. I was with stepchange for years and years and managed to pay it off with the help of my husband only this year and I’m already going down that road again.

The devil and angel are constantly fighting on my shoulders.

At the moment the Devil succeeds every time. I used to be a smoker but my husband ( then finance) said he didn’t want to be with a smoker so I had to make a choice.

if I can do that with smoking that I was hooked on why can’t I do that with gambling…

I keep thinking to myself that I know I can save loads of money aside each month from my wages if I didn’t gamble but what the heck do I then do with it as I have no interests other than gambling because I get  enjoyment out of it.

i never really lose hope and I think that’s why I continue to lose more and more as I keep thinking I might just have one lucky day. 

I guess winning on the slots recently may have made it worse.

you dont hold any value of money anymore as it’s all just numbers. 

you are used to being able to deposit big sums each time and now you are scraping the barrel to get the funds to play and they last minutes with no wins.

its just such a rough ride, been here done that so many times….why can’t I learn by it?

to be honest if I stopped now I could recover over the next couple of months but then what do I do for pleasure…how to I beat down the devil when it feels it’s bigger and greedier than the angel.

why do I need to feel the greed with it, I think if I didn’t feel the hunger for more all the time I could play leisurely rather an isolate myself from my husband so that I can play.

at some point I will lose him, there’s only so much loneliness a person can take right before they find happiness elsewhere.

life isn’t really that hard for me, I’ve got it pretty easy but for some reason I want to make it hard for myself almost a bit like a punishment. If I don’t have money worries it feels strange and wrong.

Maybe my brain feels it needs to worry about something all the time.

Any ideas, can you relate? 

I managed to secure a Credit Card  and it has given me breathing space for a few months

It has the gambling block option available which I have already set up.My own bank does not have this facility in place yet. 

I need to put as many blocks in place as is possible...Feeling a little better now for having a few months to sort myself out without incurring extra charges on a maxed out card

@pz4khru5yj  I can totally relate...I feel the same about gambling...I loathe what it's done to my life..my finances and my mental health...but I love doing it...I just hate the consequences.I guess that is the definition of addiction...continuing to do something despite the negative consequences.

If only there was a way to get those dopamine hits from a less damaging pass time...I guess exercise helps...but nothing gives that instant hit like gambling.

Money has lost all value...like you said...its just numbers.When I'm in the gambling zone...I'm like a zombie...totally spaced out...its like a demon has taken over my brain...its a complete frenzy..I would be bursting for the toilet and would nearly wet myself as I wouldn't want to leave the site...A grown adult behaving like this...I can only laugh at myself...Its seriously fkd up!!!

A trigger for me is boredom...Its not like I'm not capable of finding things to do...I have plenty interests...but none will give me the dopamine that gambling does.Thinking about it now...some of my binges have been when I have had loads to do to the point of overwhelm..and instead of starting one task...I avoid everything and go to the slots.

Another aspect I relate to is the self sabotage...Just when things are looking good...that's when I'll go back and ruin everything...Not such what the psychology behind this is...maybe fear of being happy...maybe in some distorted way we feel we don't deserve to be happy..we are not worthy of happiness...

It was just at the start of covid...I was in a great space...or so I thought when I did some serious damage again.. lowest point ever so I reached out for the first time and got some online counselling.I really thought that this was it...I'd get counselling...understand the illness and move on

How I wish I had really drawn a line in the sand in 2020.. how much savings I would have accumulated in the last 4 years.. I would be in good shape now.Instead I have binge gambled everything in several relapses in those years...Build a pot..blow it...build again...blow it...wash rince repeat 

I'm hoping this is the end this time..I can't contine this cycle...Its just too exhausting