Enough is Enough

Hi only joined today and at this moment this is the first time I can express how I'm feeling.

Sorry if this is a bit long but if I get it down at least it is out there and it's of my chest.

I don't speak about nothing to my  partner is none the wiser as I keep this dark side a secret from her, think she has a slight inkling something is going on due to my constant use of my phone.. can't show her or let her near my phone for fear something will pop up about loans or casino site offers. She probably thinks I'm messaging other people.

Got that twisted feel in my stomach feeling sick and head racing with like jumbled fuzzy feeling.

Obviously a bad night last night loosing now feeling the pain and guilt, at the time of playing I feel no emotion and feel I'm in the zone and can't snap out even though I see my bank balance taking a hit.

I'm currently in a debt management plan where I'm getting help. I sometimes track through hundreds of casino sites to try and register but I have self excluded from loads and loads. I should be relieved when it says I'm self excluded but I just feel frustration and search harder.

Don't know why I'm the way I am but I'm seriously tired of this behaviour, I actually get the feeling of I'm in pain being alive but not physical if that makes sense.

Don't think I could ever take action on this as it has happened in my partners previous life and can see devastation it caused and wouldn't want to put her through anything,but I know these thoughts are because of sheer guilt and lack of pride and the feel of being worthless.

I'm terrified of telling my partner because I don't think she would completely understand my actions, she comes from a financial background so always very good with money.

I'm 46 and lost my mum couple of years ago and feel she was only person I could trust within family due to younger life issues, I feel it has effected me over the years regarding my up bringing and gambling and at very low point became dependent on alcohol and very rarely drugs. I use to sit and drink to the point where I was merry then sit with headphones on listening to music as i felt it blocks out all  the head  noise i keep suffering, drink I can control because of my job I have to, just don't understand why Gambling as always crept back in and battered me all the time.

Gambling has always been a very bad friend throughout my life but feel I don't want to have any dealings with that friend no more.

I think my behaviour and Gambling addiction does lie a little deeper and feel I need help proffesionaly but at the moment I'm s******g my life up but feel I haven't taken big sfep today and registering on here and other site to ban me from all sites.

Sorry for longish post and if you did make it to the bottom thankyou for persevering.

Wish everyone the best with battling there demons and as I said this me getting it of my chest and already feel very slightly better feeling for doing this.