Feeling desperate

Hi Alli

Well done for admitting you have a problem and finding your way here. Stick with the counselling, I am sure it will help you with the feelings you are having no. You are indeed lucky to have supportive people around you and on a practical note could you not ask one of them to take control of your finances for now. I know it may seem embarrassing but I have found this has helped me a lot. Also, putting a block on your PC or whatever you use will take away the temptation to gamble.

As for strategies for dealing with the anxiety, I cannot advise that but I am sure that alcohol and valium are not the answer. Perhaps you need to see your GP who could recommend something.

On this site you will find you are not alone, we all understand and no-one will judge you. Everyone is supportive and encouraging. Keep reading the posts, diaries etc.

I wish you well in your recovery.

Elfie x

Hi Alli.

I am in no position to give advice on gambling having just joined the site today myself. I really feel your pain, this is the worst feeling in the world. I know it is of no real consolation to know that others are suffering the same, but i hope it reminds you that you are not alone.

I am digressing though. I am replying to your thread specifically to comment on anxiety. Some years ago now I suffered very debilitating anxiety attacks, and frankly this initially scared the hell of out me as I genuinely thought it was something medically far more serious when i began almost passing out, and suffering arrhythmias. I really feel for you, the anxst was as bad as the mental torture you feel about gambling, suffering both at once ... I cant imagine - you must have some mental strength to be be coping enough to come here and verbalise this at all, so there is hope. I also wanted you to know that after suffering anxiety attacks for over a year (not actually that long for some sufferers) I was able to survive, and end the episode. I have not had an attack for nearly 8 years now (although I admit to feeling all the precursors today in the middle of all that has gone on).

The keys for me in beating anxiety were:

1) understand physically what is going on. Read up on how cortisol production, adrenalin and messages from the hypothalamus affect the human body. Once i knew (and had accepted) that I actually wasnt going to die whenever an attack came on, began to allow me to turn down my responses to those triggers when i felt them.

2) understand the cause of your anxiety and take steps to remove it. In your case I think we can pretty well guess what a lot of the cause is - and you have come here, which is something you should see as helping to address your personal triggers.

3) Whenever you feel precursors of an attack, do something, anything (not gambling obviously), different. Immediately stop what you are doing and go for a brisk walk, listen to very loud music, .. have s*x ... whatever. Try to divert your mind from the oncoming angst.

4) Talk to like minded people who understand what anxiety really is. There are two sides to this - a) before i experienced it I would have told you I thought that anxiety was something suffered by weaker poeple or was "all in the head" ... its really not, and you need to understand as with gambling, you are not alone in this and you are not broken because of it. b) there are many many people in my experience that quoted "anxiety attacks" for days off work, when in actual fact they were just a bit worried about something and wanted an excuse to take a sick day - there are of course many genuine anxiety sufferers as well - and you need to talk to the latter group, not the former to understand what it is you are going through and get supportive advice.

5) Find what works for you. Along with understanding the physiological affects of stress and anxiety I worked with a trainer who understood nutritional supplements, and stress. He put me on a plan involving supplemental vitamins, and also abstinence from all stimulants for 3 months - no caffeine, tobacco, sugar or alcohol. I cannot say whether this was genuinely the *cause* of my beating anxiety, or just the convenient placebo that i needed at the time. I dont much care either way it worked, you need to find something that works for you.

5) speak to your GP, but be careful there. Stress and Anxiety are very specific conditions that not all doctors have had a lot of experience with (i mean no detriment to GPs, its just a very small niche area of medicinal education and in todays climate of 15 minutes per patient, one symptom per visit etc etc I am not sure GPs always have the tools at their disposal to resolve the situation). In speaking to a large number of people the stock response of GPs seemed to be to offer SSRI's or valium. Many of those that i spoke to that took SSRIs found they helped but that they became dependent on them, and the anxiety was not as bad, but did still persist. I think mentally beating it without chemical assistance is a better long term solution, but this doesnt work for everyone - some I spoke to managed to use valium as a crutch to break the cycle of attacks until such time as they could deal with it. Either way "knocking yourself out" with valium (or particularly) alcohol is not the answer - alcohol in particular will make you more susceptible to an anxiety attack the next day whilst you are dehydrated, and hungover (i speak from experience on this). Some GPs *will* offer CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) I have heard good things about this, but never tried it myself so cannot comment - google it and ask your GP about it if you feel this might work for you.

6) It sounds like you have a good support network, and that would have been my last point. You need to be able to lean on others around you when the anxiety hits.

I really feel for you and I hope you can dig deep and find that bit of extra strength to work through both the anxiety as well as the gambling addiction.

Best Regards,

FM.

I am so grateful for the replies - thank you. I went to bed last night feeling pretty hopeless/helpless about things. We're on holiday at the moment and every day is an ordeal for me. I did manage to sleep and for the first time in a few nights didn't have nightmares, which have been plaguing me for a while. I've vowed to my family that today is the day I stop gambling - I don't think they believe I will but I so desperately want to prove them wrong. Of course all I can think about is getting my next gambling fix, I'm so preoccupied with it. I can't seem to engage with anyone or anything fully. I hate what this addiction has done to me - I've sold virtually everything of value in the house to fund the gambling. I've become deceitful and dishonest, things I never was previously. My GamCare counsellor said that many people go to counselling thinking gambling is the problem, when really it's a symptom. I believe this is very true for me - over the past few years I have used spending/gambling and food as a way of trying to cope with a major trauma back in 2007. The result is that I now have an eating disorder, massively high cholesterol and other health problems and have lost us our house into the bargain. I have taken out numerous mobile phone contracts - I was running 9 at one time - it's non-sensical I know. Somehow the spending and gambling gave me a feeling of control over my life. I am so angry and bitter about the past. My mental health problems stem from my teens and ruined any chance of me having a career, so in a sense I feel I have less independence than the average 12 year old. That is why for me, giving up control of my very limited finances is so difficult as it leaves me feeling totally disempowered and I just become angrier and more depressed. Coupled with the anxiety it is not a good mix. I also have Crohns disease which can make managing activities day to day pretty difficult. The Crohns developed in the aftermath of 2007 and I am certain it was my body's reaction to the trauma. I spent a year in hospital in 2004 following the birth of my second child as I suffered a pueperal psychosis and due to this and the trauma, haven't been well enough to work since which is another major source of frustration. I'm pumped full of so many pills which cause unpleasant side effects. I know this is a gambling forum so apologies for digressing but for me, as I'm sure for many others, it is not straightforward. Even if nobody reads this I feel a bit better for writing it down. I think the gambling has become such an urgent issue because it is having such a negative impact on everything, literally ripping the family to pieces. I adore my children and so want to be a good role model but just feel I'm letting them down all the time. People say you have to want to stop gambling, my psychologist says you have to want to want to stop, which is different altogether. I want a life free of gambling but I need something to fill the void it will leave behind. At the moment I feel totally overwhelmed by life and can't see a way forward. I feel like I'm slowly eating myself to death. Life is hard. Thank you once again for replying, much food for thought. I am truly grateful.