Finally going to tackle this.....

Everyone's circumstances are different but I worry you are going to struggle without telling your wife and letting her help you control the finances.

You have put some blocks in place which might help deal with short term urges to gamble but if tomorrow you decide you want to gamble then what is to stop you taking out another credit card and logging on to a new website?

It is probably going to be a fairly horrific experience telling her but if you don't tell her and get some help to deal with the debt and stop yourself getting in even further the £35-40k may turn into £80k and beyond by which time (unless you are very wealthy) you can probably say goodbye to your house. There is the other argument of course that she deserves to know so she can protect herself financially.

I can't say telling my wife about my admittly much smaller gambling losses has made the world suddenly all ok. She has forgiven the gambling and loss of money but not sure I will ever regain her trust and a marriage without trust is, well, I am not really sure where that is going to go.

You'll make your own decisions but whatever you do, please try and get some help. Not sure willpower on its own is enough.

Good luck.

Hi,

My husband is a CG, he’s been off for over two years but the damage was huge - and made a whole lot worse because I found out, he didn’t tell me. Actually, our son found out, it was in the middle of his public exams, he wanted to apply for finance for uni so he went to the bank, to be told by an indifferent bank clerk that the sum total of his savings amounted to pennies. It didn’t help his results. My husband had actually lost the money some five years earlier and that big win to recoup it with bonuses just never quite materialised....

The brutal fact is that not telling makes it worse. It allows the gambling and the betrayal to continue whereas if you tell, you then become more accountable and it’s a tool towards stopping. And honesty is a tool towards lasting change.

The single theme in the f&f forum is that the lies matter more than the money. They did to us as well. Therefore it’s a fallacy to think that telling your wife at some point in the future that you were gambling and lying for however many years but you stopped x months ago is somehow going to go down any better than just telling her now what she needs to know.

It’s your call. The conversation will be bruising but better had than not.

Wish you well,

CW

Hi Jackson - welcome to the forum and glad to hear that you're feeling empowered by your decision.

I'm new here too and I'm struggling to share my gambling habits with anyone I know. Maybe foolishly, I hope to knock it on the head and bury it for good rather than have it unearthed. I know that's probably not the wisest of moves and, for me, smacks of avoidance and cowardice.

You're right about reading the stories here - they are a massive help, especially when it comes to shattering the delusion that gambling is somehow a solution.

All the best - and hope you get the support and strength to leave the gambling life behind. This really does seem like the placce to start.

hi i am 57 years old and in a lot of debt. i have been gambling for over 20 years. I dont gamble every day. i am in a lot of debt and gamble when everyone wants there money at the same time in hope that i may win enough to pay them all. this never works. Things have now got so bad i even tried to take my own life a week ago. Thankfully i failed i have lost everything that means anything to me my wife children and grandchildren. At long last i have admitted i have a problem and have started to put steps in place to to sort out my life. I know it is not going to be easy and will take time but hopefully i will get there.

its now been a week since i last gambled. i have my first councelling session today, so hopefully today is the day i start to put my life back together. I have lots of other problems to but they all stem from gambling really so the gambling problem is what i need to sort out first.

Hi Andy57

Firstly, I’m very sorry to hear that you tried to take your own life. I hope you have had lots of support from friends and family since then. You said you feel you've lost everything, including your family, and I expect it will take some time to recover from this. Try to take things one step at a time.

It’s good you’ve reached out for some support, and we are all here to support you with turning things around. It sounds like you're doing a good job already but if you haven’t already done so, it may be a good idea to go to GP to discuss how you’re feeling.

You described being under a lot of pressure to pay off debts and it sounds as though it all got too much. It can feel overwhelming when problems start mounting up, but it can be manageable if you tackle them one at a time. There are organisations that can offer expert advice and help you to get back in control of your debts.

Try the National Debtline: https://www.nationaldebtline.org/ or Stepchange: https://www.stepchange.org/

Well done for going along to counselling and I hope you’ve found it a positive experience so far. I think you are right, this could well be a turning point for you. Accessing help can make a big difference. You’re doing really well so keep it going!

I wish you all the best and do stay in touch for support.

Take care

Laura

Hi Laura, thankyou for your kind words and advice. I had my first councelling session yesterday and it felt good to be able to talk about all my problems and the gambling. I have bottled things up for far to long hoping that there would be a quick fix. I have already been to my gp and he has put me on tablets. I have also contacted cab about my debts to see if there is anything they can do to help. I am starting to feel a little better about things but as you say its one day at a time.

Jackson10 how is everything going? I would echo the sentiments above, it's really admirable you are trying to do this on your own but I don't think it is wise for a number of reasons:

- as everyone else has said, for the partner of a compulsove gambler the lies are so much worse than the money (although don't get me wrong, the money is like a kick in the stomach)

- you need a support network around you and someone else to take control of the finances. If you are struggling with the debt yourself the temptation to gamble will be even stronger

- your wife deserves to know, it's not fair for her to be ignorant to this, especially as it always comes out. It will be so much better from her point of view if you own up rather than her having to find out.

You've taken a massive step by coming on here and admitting you have a problem but you will need help outside of your own willpower. Tell your wife, start going to GA and try to get some counselling and I promise you there will be light at the end of the tunnel. It will be a long journey and won't be easy but the more you try to keep up the lies the worse you will feel.

Good luck and keep us posted 🙂

Day 5 GF and feeling ok. Thanks for all the comments and good luck to Andy and everyone else.

Don't want to seem like I'm ignoring advice but I still want to try it this way first. You have certainly convinced me that if I have any relapse at all, however big or small, then I absolutely must come clean.

I have continued gambling against all logic and common sense in the past but I am not prepared to risk losing my house and/or wife. We are not well off but would be comfortable without my stupidity and I have moved money around to take advantage of interest free periods so I can chip away at debts gradually rather than mostly just paying interest.

The stories and advice do help and it is good to know I am far from alone in suffering from this terrible afflication. It is a great support network and it is helping.

Day 20 GF for me. The various stories, problems, success stories and diaries are all great learning experiences and support systems.
I've been a bit apprehensive about posting as I know most do not agree with the way I'm trying to tackle my issues. However, so far so good but I know I will never be 'cured' or ever be able to gamble normally given my long history with gambling and the scale of it.

The debts are always going to be a major worry but my losses have not been sudden over a couple of days despite the scale of them - they've gotten worse over the last 4yrs especially after some personal issues that I'm finally coming to terms with. The losses have accumulated and will diminish gradually over a lot longer period.
Despite this, the thing I have enjoyed the past 3 wks is the sure fire knowledge that I can't make anything worse if I don't gamble. Normally there has always been the hope of winning and clearing some debt. It has been pleasing to remove the sheer fear of making a dire situation even worse.

Good luck to all and well done to those succesfully carrying on the good fight. We all need the support of each other against this horrible habit/addiction.

Hi Jackson

Good to see you back here and really well done on what must be 21 days GF, that is great news.

Please don't be apprehensive about posting just because you are not following every suggestion made on here. We all have to work out what works for us and your method is currently working.

Keep it up and keep posting.

Muststop123

Thanks Muststop123 and will do. I'll keep updating from time to time. Day 22 today - one day at a time I suppose as the past can't be undone no matter how much we wish that we had the benefit of hindsight.

Keep it going Jackson.

Click on my name here and have a read of my recovery thread, it contains some daily things that will make this easier for you.

Day 30 GF today so my first big milestone. Keeping very busy with work and feel ok - no real urges to gamble.

GamblerHelp, thanks for sharing. It is great to see success stories like yours. We are all at different stages of recovery and had different experiences with regards to how far down the rabbit hole we have gone with gambling. It is good to know that there truly is hope for everyone!