First lapse after a recovery via NECA, stole money from partner

It's currently 11:15pm when I'm starting to write this. I don't know what I aim to get out of this but I need to get this off my chest to some people who may have been through the same or similar, and hopefully won't judge me too harshly for my actions, albeit deserving. 

Gambling is something that has been a problem for me for years and years now. To cut a long story somewhat short I've been with my partner 2 years this October coming up and around 4, 4 and a half months ago things all came out in an ugly fashion when I was terminated from work because I'd been stealing to fund my gambling addiction.

(I have mixed feelings about that word when it comes to this problem of mine. Don't get me wrong that absolutely is what it is, it's what I have and I am a gambling addict... but I wish it had the same visible effects as other addictions. Perhaps then I wouldn't have been able to hide things from every single person in my life for so long. But unfortunately it doesn't so I was able to mask it until this happened.) 

It shouldn't have taken it coming to that for me to have realised things had spiralled so long ago, but in a way the very serious potential implications were what I needed to help fuel my recovery, because I'd crossed a line at some point where consequences didn't seem to matter in the moment. It's as if when actually doing the gambling, I'm just a spectator on my life in 3rd person view, doing things I know I shouldn't be for reasons I can't understood. 

Despite it all my partner stuck by me and I began my recovery journey. In the first week, I'd self excluded myself from every avenue it's possible to self exclude from, I'd began looking for new jobs and also applied for income support and most importantly I contacted NECA and then on their advise also, referred myself to talking therapy from the NHS. 

The in person sessions with NECA were one of the most helpful things I have ever done. My partner attended most of them with me and her support during that time of my life is something I will never forget. Then there was the follow up online sessions, which by contrast I personally didn't find beneficial as it felt more like a check box exercise. Recently though I'd been put on to a different peer support online group which I am immensely still looking forward to the first one, to be talking to people who have been through the same things. To know I'm not alone and I'm not the only person who has had this horrible problem. 

In the time since A and B I found a new job (being able to contribute towards the bills evenly again felt immensely satisfying and I was proud of myself) if I'm being completely honest I hadn't even thought about gambling. I felt I had a real drive to focus on my recovery and I was trying to implement everything I'd learned in the talking therapy too about looking towards the future and being less focused on ruminating, which I had been really struggling with in the early days of my recovery.

Lapses and relapses are something of course I covered with NECA and I was confident in myself about being able to deal with any urges. The only problem being that I wouldn't say up until this past Saturday I actually had any urges. For over 4 months.

Then like a car smashing through a wall there it was. I HAD to gamble and seemingly it didn't matter where the money came from and I'm ashamed to say I stole from my partners savings tin and I have lapsed for the first time.

There was no in between from this not being on my mind at all to it being the most intense feeling you could think of. I have such a loving partner AND family AND friends who all would have happily helped talk me out of this urge, but instead I stole from the person I love and I can't comprehend that. I cannot understand why I would do that. I had been doing so well in my recovery and we had been doing so well as a couple and as a family (I'm a step dad to her son who I think of as my own). I've placed all of that in jeopardy now. 

I'm at my parents house while my partner processes this, I know this news will have broken them also. I know I may yet be kicked out and left because of this and honestly who could blame her if that's the decision she makes, absolutely no one.

Which leads me here. I'm going to call NECA in the morning, because I need some kind of system for if this ever happens again and as much as it pains me to think of what may well happen now I still need that system in place whatever my partner decides.

I will not go back to the life of gambling I had. I refuse to. I have come too far in such a (relatively) short space of time for one lapse to destroy everything in my life, even if it turns out it has destroyed my relationship. I'm sorry it wasn't so short after all.