first post

Hi 2122

I joined just this minute and havent decided what to write for my first post yet but to say you are a mirror of my issue is an understatement. Except my husband has regressed and gone back to gamling, I found out last week, it knocked me off my feet as I only found out he was a gambler last year, we have been together seven. I need some serious support and plan to get some counselling, I would suggest you do the same and do what ever you need to do to protect yourself and your children. One this is certain in my mind, your husband will put his needs before yours but what do I know...I am just feeling bitter and angry right now.

Take care

Hi 2122 and Nicole, welcome to the Forum.

Sorry to hear you are both having such a tough time at the moment.

It sounds like your husband is in denial. As you say this is something that he is also going to have to work on everyday, a few support sessions isn't going to magically cure him.

I think first and foremost you need to make sure you and your children are protected as much as possible. As you have probably realised us CG's when were focused on gambling can be oblivious to everything and everyone around us. Making sure you and your kids are protected at this stage should be your number 1 priority.

If your partner is serious about quitting gambling then he needs to prove it. He should look at going back to counselling and GA meetings for start. He should also look at handing over his finances to yourself, perhaps this would help build some trust again? If he hasn't got access to money to bet with this will help keeping him from gambling.

Lastly there is a friends and family section on the forum that might be able to offer more help and insight then I can.

I wish you both the best.

Silver

Hi 2122 & Nicole welcome to the forum 🙂

GamCare can provide free counselling for you & a GamAnon meetings can provide support. I'm sure other loved ones will be along soon but the best advice is to arm yourself with as much information as you can about this vile disease because whilst they are still active, you're very much on your own & nothing you can say or do will stop them! Your emotions are going to be all over the place (as are your partners but they've known about this for a long time & have chosen not to accept the help that it out there) so you have to figure out how to put yourselves 1st.

I am a CG that grew up with a CG who still gambles...I live in hope that she will 'find recovery' but I didn't start getting help until my 40's & she's long since retired & showing no signs of improvement. It really doesn't go away & you both need to decide what you are prepared to put up with then make sure you don't move the goalposts!

Don't be afraid to post or call the helpline as often as you like, there are people here for you so you don't feel so alone as you try & piece together how to move forwards - ODAAT

Hi,

The three Cs: you didn't Cause the gambling, you can't Control the gambling and you can't Cure the gambling. You're in this nightmare situation of finding that you're in a relationship with a CG and instead of getting tied in knots over what the gambler is or isn't doing, keep the focus on dealing with your own situation, in emotional and practical terms. The key thing is for you to keep doing what you've started: to get advice, information and support so that you can cope. The forum is a good start, the helpline is a phone call away and if you can get to a GamAnon meeting to meet other people in the same position, it's well worth the effort.

As HL says, you can't rely on what the gambler says about anything financial. Rely only on bank or credit card statements or credit reports, protect yourself financially, take any legal advice you may need. The don't is to bail out (the gambler will play as long as someone else pays) and the other don't is to rescue or otherwise clear up the mess. That's taking on a problem that isn't yours and it cushions the gambler from consequences, which perpetuates the gambling. The gambler has hurt you and done damage to the relationship, it's one of the said consequences, no need for you to apologise or appease for having been hurt. It didn't happen overnight and it won't improve overnight. So don't let everything be about how the gambler feels, keep the focus on you and what you need to feel reassured.

Hope this helps, look after you.

CW

thank you so much everyone , i am shocked by how many people are stuck in this nightmare to. i took ur advice and did some digging last night and yes the bank statements show he is still doing it. he says he is going back to GA this week so i guess thats a start. problem is i am so angry that i just dont feel supportive to him at the minute. not sure if i will ever stop taking it so personally , i find that whilst in understand the theory behind the addiction from educating myself i cannot get past the fact that he has stolen from our kids and chooses the addiction over us every time. there is no trust and feeling so low in myself and know i need to access some counselling but feel bitter that these feelings arnt my doing. maybe i need to just pluck up the courage and arrange something - just not sure im ready yet ;-/ thank you so mnuch , i didnt think this would really help but feeling not quite so alone already

Hi 2122, SL, ODAAT, HL, CW

Thanks for your responses, they have helped me too.

2122 - your last post hit the nail on the head, part of me just wants to walk away. What is there in it for us? I thought I was with someone who was going to take care of me not abuse me with his addiction. I am only just learning what this means for me and for us. My mind is in an internal termoil as to what to do for the best. Its bleak.

On a practical note, I have control of the money, the cards etc and access to all accounts and one credit rating company, (Half-Life you mentioned all three agencies, what did you mean please). I suspect there may be something else, perhaps a personal family loan but that will be hard to investigate or prove. I am having to track everything inlcuding his movements via GPRS, how very boring and tiresome and all consuming!

What do these men possibly think they bring to our lives that make up for this..... are we not better off without them.... these are the questions I am asking myself.

He attend GA last nigh and I know that is helping him, he gave me a book and said we can attend an open session together next month..... oh lovely, what a lovely social occassion that will be!

I am seeking to write my Will and obtain some legal agreement to ensure our finances are separated.

I plan to get counselling and will investigate that here or thru Game Anon.

As you can see from the above, my brain is bouncing all over the place... I hope to find peace of mind.

Thanks again everyone, I know you have stories similar if not worse than mine and I am very happy that you are corresponding with me with your words of wisdom and support

2122 wrote:

thank you so much everyone , i am shocked by how many people are stuck in this nightmare to. i took ur advice and did some digging last night and yes the bank statements show he is still doing it. he says he is going back to GA this week so i guess thats a start. problem is i am so angry that i just dont feel supportive to him at the minute. not sure if i will ever stop taking it so personally , i find that whilst in understand the theory behind the addiction from educating myself i cannot get past the fact that he has stolen from our kids and chooses the addiction over us every time. there is no trust and feeling so low in myself and know i need to access some counselling but feel bitter that these feelings arnt my doing. maybe i need to just pluck up the courage and arrange something - just not sure im ready yet ;-/ thank you so mnuch , i didnt think this would really help but feeling not quite so alone already

Hi 2122,

Sorry you're going through it. Its not your fault, but with addiction and illness, its complicated as to who if anyone takes the blame.

There is a responsibility though. I am responsible for getting help and attending my GA meetings regularly and working the GA recovery program.

Hang on in there. You're no alone in this. tri

Sorry Tri but I slightly disagree...I am to blame for my addiction just like I am responsible for my recovery!

I often wonder what I have to offer my husband but better for me is the real me in recovery than the fakes smiles I wore before & he is able to handle that (thank goodness)!

Get some support ladies & put yourselves 1st - ODAAT

Hi 2122,

You say your husband stopped gambling for 12 months, then you say you found he's been back gambling for several months? So does this mean you thought he'd been clean for 12months? Sport to ask!

However a compulsive gambler stopping for 1 week is a struggle. I gambled everyday for over three years! I'm now 8 months without a bet, but reading threads like yours brings it home that I am and always will be vulnerable to gambling again. I know I just couldn't have one bet! And I suppose that's what scares me from doing so. I have a wife and 3 young children under 13. The kids don't know about my addiction but the wife knows everything about me now! Suppose I'm lucky she's still with me. I made a promise to her to stop gambling and attend GA as my therapy which so far I have done. I do worry about the day the debts are paid off and a so called "clean slate" is available. However it remains a distant thought in my one day at a time approach.

I know my wife finds it difficult even to ask me "have you felt like betting" which I asked her to do everyday if she wished. I suppose if I did return to betting she would notice the change in me that gambling addiction brings with it! So I hope you can speak with your husband without the need to scream and shout to find out why he returned to gambling. Stopping GA is stupid. You are never cured, you only arrest this addiction. If you stop meetings the chances of returning to gambling are very high!! I've witnessed this many times in my 8months. If he has already offered to attend again that's great and probably worth a little thanks, but you must make sure he attends the meetings.

After each meeting on my hours drive back from GA I always speak with the wife regarding what I took from the meeting and things I didn't relate to. I think this puts her mind at rest that firstly I've attended and secondly I'm paying attention and learning from the biggest mistake I made in my life! I'd hate to know what would happen to my life if I ever returned to gambling but what I do know is life is so much better without it.

Wishing you all the best in your struggle. Please remember your the innocent victim in all of this.

Shep.

Thanks again everyone , been checking in on here and reading then re reading all the messages . Had a very tricky few days . Appears he's back to being in complete denial there's even a problem - he's comparing it to me going for a coffee with friend being my pleasure and him being able to access gambling is the same . Is there ever a time when people with addictions ever truly see the seriousness of it . Found a large amount of debt that u didn't know about and he's still lying about it even though I have it in black and white. He had 12 months of attending counselling , GA , regular gym sessions ( as this seemed to help) . Feel like it was all a wast of time even though I put my entire life on hold to support him through it . sorry to come on here and just be so needy and miserable just haven't yet told anyone other than his mum where we're at . Sorry and thanks again for taking the time to respond x

Hi,

"You begrudge me my little hobby" is a classic CG manipulation line. It's nonsense. He's feeding an addiction, he's lying to you about what he's doing, he's dissipating money he can't afford, it's anti social and the very opposite of harmless. You meeting a friend for coffee is very nice for you but it doesn't involve feeding an addiction, presumably if it got delayed or cancelled it's not going to nag at you until you give in to the urge and meet a friend for coffee whilst lying to everyone about what you're doing and what you're spending.

It's back to the standard advice about getting as much info and support as possible so that you can make the best decisions for you. If you read round the forum, there's quite a few beleaguered gamblers out there who have managed to convince themselves that it's their spouses and families who make them place the bet. An active gambler is always going to try to manipulate but it's a whole lot better for you to recognise it as such and respond accordingly.

It's no good entering into futile arguments with him. State the truth as you see it and keep the responsibility for the gambling with him, where it belongs.

Take care of you, protect yourself financially and emotionally as best you can. It's a nightmare but your final choice is about what you tolerate. For what it's worth you're not alone.

CW