Gambled after one year in the clear

Hi vulture. Thanks for commenting on my diary. I have just read all your entries this month and so great to see how clear minded and focused you are. It's great that you have felt able to tell your wife. You are really inspiring. Keep going forward.

Day 18

Spent the last two hours reading Matts diary on here around 700+ entries ! Gained a lot from it . My brother who I don’t have much contact with has text me today to see if I will go to a local football match this weekend . It’s a bit lower than conference level but he is a Vice President so gets food and entry included and so will I as another VP can’t attend . Chance for a couple of beers with him . No thoughts of gambling today . Got a big problem with Argos on my credit file so will call them tomorrow to see what I can do. Work is busy , don’t feel as stressed anymore . Payday in a couple of weeks but my outgoings are pretty high so won’t have much left over but I know it’s only short term .

Annie2016 - thank you for reading my diary and taking the time to comment . Wow 7 days that’s a decent effort keep going and I will watch out how your are progressing

Hi Vulture

Thanks for reading my diary and your comments. Hope it wasn't too painful a read.

Pleased to see you are 18 days in, that is great. My battle was really helped by keeping my diary and the support and encouragement I received here was invaluable.

There are a few pieces of advice I can give you, which truly helped me. Get some councelling, there are deep underlying reasons why we gamble, even if we don't know them. 2, forget the fast track route to clearing the debt, what's done is done. Each day we don't gamble we are a day richer. We cannot win EVER when we gamble. The next bet will always lead to a loss eventually. 3 speak about it openly, don't carry any shame, you will be surprised how much easier it is if people close to you and around you know you have this addiction. 4)Keep the faith but realise the demon will always be there but you are in control, not gambling.

I wish you all the very best in your recovery.

Matt

Day 19

Matt24 thanks for your pearls of wisdom . Will definitely consider what you have said except the clearing debts part will explain why in this post

So day 19 pretty uneventful went to work , made some good sales was pretty busy . Took kids to hockey training . It’s their 3rd ever time and they seem to love it . I played for over 20 years but never forced them to go . I haven’t played for 8 years since we had children but if they seriously start playing I could return . Was nice at the start to pick up a stick and knock the ball around with them. I am still trying to sort my long term finances by re mortgaging and freeing up £1k a month so my family can enjoy the benefits of me not gambling on top of the extra money I earn . We can have a great lifestyle. I finished a debt management plan end of last year and seriously don’t want to keep paying a massive amount of my wage each month as I am no better off . Argos card was a very small debt but it’s caused me chaos on my credit file due to their mistakes. Didn’t miss a payment in 6 years but they were applying interest which was hammering my credit score due to arrears . I trusted my DMP to ensure after 6 years I would be normal again . However this problem could stop me doing anything for around 4 years and could cost me dear . So I was on the phone for a while and I have now sent my whole credit file , a letter from the DMP, a covering letter asking them to overturn their errors so that I can move on and lead a normal life . If they have any humanity they will see that what I have done is never missed a payment and cleared the balance . Their computer generated missed payments. As I said before I did the right thing and could have walked away and not paid a penny and my credit file today would be squeaky clean and I could walk into any high street lender . Now it’s uncertain I can get any product which worries me . See what happens over the next few weeks, I have done what I can . Gambling wise no thoughts at all, stressed a bit about my long term but focused totally on the short term

Well done on another day gamble free. Sounds like you are making great strides. Refinding a love of hockey may be a great way of destressing and reconnecting with something you loved and were good at. I feel much the same about tennis and plan to take it up again at some point. When you are wacking a ball with a stick or racket there is a real sense of release and you can't think about gambling or all the stresses it brings. Keep going. You have a great mindset. X

Thanks Annie. I still have hobbies and play pool and snooker weekly but it’s not quite the same as hockey. Also got an electric mountain bike last year which is nice to go out on. Can put the motor on when tired ! Attend the gym and go spinning so plenty to do to keep me occupied . On the surface my life is great but for some reason for around 25 years in fact I always want to self destruct . Not this time . It’s not going to happen again . You should play tennis again , like you said it’s a release and you would probably become obsessive with it which isn’t a bad thing !

Day 20

Bit of a milestone I am just moving into . 20 days . Pay day next week but it’s accounted for so no pressure . Plucked up the courage to put my picture on my profile . Pretty symbolic for me and also progress to show that I am not anonymous.I am not a statistic . I am a real person and I am here to stay . I am not hiding anymore . If you want to chat I’m here . If you comment on my diary I will reply. I am feeling all of the positive energy from your comments and diaries so thank you for being there for me . Will update this diary in the morning when you have all got over the shock of my selfie !

Thank you Vulture for your post in my diary. The support of gamcare friends really keeps me motivated. Congratulations on 20 days gamble free.

Have read through your diary with interest. A fascinating story and perfect example of the damage which can be caused by compulsive gambling. You have in the past had 2 years gamble free. It would be good if you can do that again.

Wishing you well...stephen

Thanks Stephen for taking the time out to write on my diary . I know I have abstained for 2 years in the past but that doesn’t mean 100% I could do it again without any problems . It was 11 years ago and the gambling world has changed . This newest period is the longest I have probably gone without gambling since then . I feel after many more beatings since that time that I have finally evaluated my life and realised that’s it for me

Hello Vulture,

Been following your diary from the start and i see alot of myself in your veiws and attitudes. Love how you have thrown yourself into this so much and are offering support around the boards too. Will keep reading and posting when i have anything useful to add, just a well done keep at it and a hello from me today.

Day 20 Part 2

Hi sjwsjw thank you so much for your kind words and also taking time from your issues to read my diary . I’m an all or nothing person like a lot of compulsive gamblers so the posts that I make on mine and other peoples threads prove that . It’s cathartic and it helps me immense myself into this recovery totally so it becomes ingrained . Only then I feel will the poison start seeping out of me

No one understands a gambler like a gambler .

So on today , it was A nice day . Took kids roller skating in the morning and went to my local football team with my brother and a couple of his friends . Hadn’t really spoken much to my brother in recent times. Navigated the conversation to me stopping gambling and he seemed disappointed when I told him I had stopped for 20 days . He knew I had issues years ago but either didn’t notice or didn’t care. I’m pleased I told him . Anyway the offer of drinking some more beers in town came up and I said I probably would . He was shocked because many a time I had no money but this time I did have £30 at the start of the day . Had £18 left when he asked so could happily go into town for a couple of beers like a normal person . Anyway it was freezing cold and he had further to go and we were walking past my house so at this point I called it a day . He went up town and just text me saying it was nice to see me . Went to Sainsbury’s with my money and treated the wife to a bottle of wine and myself a 6 pack of Heineken ! Small rewards but it was a moral victory for me and proof to my old brother that I had the means to go into town should I have chosen. To anyone reading this that last line is important . “SHOULD I HAVE CHOSEN” . Yes maybe I should maybe I shouldn’t but I had options that 20 days ago I didn’t . Feels really good that . So Saturday possibly the 3rd since I made a pledge to myself and as normal football matches on. I didn’t check my phone for scores . Didn’t see what was happening . Checked my phone at half time away from people to look at this website . No thoughts of gambling whatsoever but that doesn’t mean I’m out of the woods yet . Don’t think the woods are even showing on the map yet for me to drive to, let alone go through them . Introduced the kids to Indiana Jones and they have watched a couple of movies . Nostalgia for me but all new to them . Nice to spend time and doing something together like this rather than being the shell of a person I had been but not realising . I realise now . It’s time I can’t get back but tomorrow is my day. Today is my day . Hope you all have a gamble free weekend .

Day 21

3 weeks gambling free . Making progress with my mindset . I thought briefly about online gambling in the fact that I was a slave to it . Quick mental note that I have self excluded myself and even if I did find a site it would sure be connected to one that I have already self excluded . It was almost like a stress test on my blocks . Was never going to gamble just needed to reinforce to myself that it isn’t an option . I’m sure that’s normal . Today was a good day , took kids to the park on their scooters that they had for Xmas . Fed the ducks . Then as the wife was working today treated the kids to subway sandwiches . All in all spent less that £10 today . Now with the wife working she has been home and gone back for an hour . After working yesterday too it’s the first tine I can ever remember that our family have have earnt more than we have spent at a weekend . I feel guilty for the wife who works part tine and doesn’t earn a great deal . I was gambling my money after paying all the bills consistently month after month that was way above what she was earning . She could have had a couple of years off work and we would still be better off . Surprised she didn’t realise what I was doing but I must have hidden it so well . Moving forward I know that the money she earns could be saved once I get a handle on my short term debts over the next two or three months . Read a few more posts / success stories . Now it’s time to watch Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade with the kids

Hi, I am so pleased that you've taken such a hard line approach in sorting out your life. You're considering every aspect - financial, family, health, work and leisure.

From your diary I can see that your gambling journey has taken over a big chunk of your life so far, but hopefully now that will cease to be the case. Compulsive gambling has given us false promises with only a few highs but many, many lows along the way.

As you say, - we may lose 1k or 50k - and it's all relevant to the individual person. But what makes us susceptible in the first place? Upbringing, influence, insecurity, greed, lack of confidence, boredom? Anyway, we must continue to put it behind us. Draw a line under it. Look to the future.

All the best with your courageous journey and remember to take appreciation of everything good in your life.

Thank you change my life for your appreciated comments and it’s given me a boost . Taking your point on about where it stems from I have given it some thought . Some children aren’t hugged enough and some are hugged too much . With my case my mother lost my middle brother through cot death before I was born . When I came along she was way over protective . On my first post I mentioned going to see my grandparents in Weymouth at the age of 6 and my mother not wanting me to go into arcades . Perhaps it was my way of rebelling against her feeling too smothered ? Who knows but it’s an interesting thought and one I have never had until now . I don’t think it’s 100% nature or nurture . I think reading some of other people’s posts we have similar traits in our character . One mentioned eating and drinking things fast and weirdly I am exactly the same . A lot of the feelings and actually their lives could be a carbon copy of mine although we are all strangers and have never met . Appreciate the encouragement and also thanks for provoking other feelings and thoughts from me

Day 22

All is good . Played a singles match at pool in a pub with a fruit machine in front of me . Lost the match but didn’t even consider the fruit machine . Going to keep it brief as I have been putting long monologues on . No dramas onto tomorrow